


boy you have me hypnotized (under your spell)

by Fuckmeupbuttercup



Series: flowers bloom under sunlight [1]
Category: NCT (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Injuries, Minor Violence, Oh, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, a lot of idols make cameos, i love jeongin i promise, i think thats it, it's cute but it also hurts im sorry, it's kinda cliche, lapslock, u know what it is, yoooo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-01-10 20:48:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 57,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18415568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuckmeupbuttercup/pseuds/Fuckmeupbuttercup
Summary: “yeah, sure, whatever. can someone hit up the group chat and let the hyungs know?” it’s almost a relief, knowing that he’s not gonna be left alone with the love of his life.it takes him a second to realize that’s what he addressed hyunjin as in his head. when he catches it, he stumbles, and the aforementioned boy grabs him quickly. jeongin can’t even look at him, his cheeks flushed.or, jeongin is in love with his straight best friend.





	1. rude awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ight, here we go:)

 

 

“i think you’re most like… yoongi!” 

 

“hey, you’re only sayin’ that cuz i’m shorter than you!”

 

“no!” 

 

“yes!” 

 

hyunjin pats jeongin’s head fondly, giggling at his pout. 

 

“i’m  _ saying _ it,” hyunjin begins, turning his scrutinizing gaze back on the picture of the entirety of BTS, “because not  _ only  _ are you both adorable and snarky, but he’s my  _ bias _ .” the older turns and smiles playfully at jeongin.

 

_ thump. _

 

_ no- no, oh GOD no,  _ jeongin thinks in panic, whipping his head around and staring at the computer screen with far too much intensity.

 

“uh, hyung, why is that even  _ important _ ,” jeongin manages, trying to make his cheeks cool.

 

“cuz you’re my favorite, innie,” hyunjin replies, leaning into his lap and stretching languidly.

 

_ fuck me, _ jeongin thinks. outwardly, he just smiles down at his best friend, before clicking into the next group to change the flow of conversation _. _

 

and that’s how it all started. well, no, actually; that’s nowhere near how it started. that’s just how it seemed to come  _ back _ from whatever hiatus jeongin’s feelings had been taking.

 

last year (his sophomore year), jeongin had met hyunjin through chan (as well as the rest of the group), and had immediately developed a crush on him. he fell so hard so fast that, despite his hatred for love, he felt as if maybe his mind could be changed about it. 

 

hyunjin had always been touchy, and since the group of friends consisted of almost all LGBTQ+ people, jeongin figured that maybe he had some semblance of a chance. just in case, he turned to seungmin, hyunjin’s oldest friend.

 

_ “do you, um…” jeongin had looked down at his nail beds and squeezed his eyes shut, before trying again. seungmin couldn’t  _ see  _ him, of course, because they were on a call, but it was more for his own assurance. _

 

_ “do i, um, what?” he teased in his Annoy Jeongin™ voice. _

 

_ “hyung, this is serious.” jeongin sounded nervous, even to himself. there was some ruffling on the other end of the phone, and when the older spoke again he sounded much more sincere. _

 

_ “what’s up?” _

 

_ “is there, uh, any way that hyunjin… isn’t straight?” there was silence on the other end for a couple of long seconds. _

 

_ “well,” seungmin contemplated. “he  _ says _ he’s straight, but we used to have this one friend back in middle school that was gay, and they were super close, though they’re not now. anyways, back then, everyone always assumed they were a couple. and hyunjin never really denied it, he would just sorta… smile and let jimin -his friend- explain that they weren’t together. so... maybe? why?”  _

 

_ “oh, i was just wondering, because yanno, everyone in our friend group except him are sorta gay in some way, right? So-” _

 

_ “jeongin.” seungmin sounded shocked. “did you just come out to me?” _

 

_ “uhhh.” well, at least the topic of hyunjin was over, jeongin thought. _

 

so that night, jeongin hit up hyunjin in a fit of courage.

  
  


**private chat with handsomjin**

 

**11:58 PM**

 

**innie:** hey hyung

**innie:** when did u change ur name in my phone lol

 

**handsomjin:** what never did that lmaooooo

**handsomjin:** but wassup

 

**innie:** i was just wondering

**innie:** cuz ya kno evry1 in our friend group is bi or gay or sumn

**innie:** r you?

 

**handsomjin:** nah

**handsomjin:** straighter than the ruler you use for your honors alg 2 hw LOL

 

**innie:** lol hyung think ur thinkin bout geo

 

**handsomjin:** the DISRESPECT

**handsomjin:** IM YOUR HYUNG BRAT

 

**innie:** ur bareLY OLDER THAN ME

 

**handsomjin:** shush

  
  


_ and jeongin couldn’t help the sinking of his heart, feeling it hit the bottom of his stomach like a coin in a fountain. he knew, he  _ knew _ that the other was straight,  _ and _ religious, but he got his hopes up, and for that, he hated himself. he wasn’t gonna let it show, though, so he just left his best friend on seen and curled up in bed, trying in vain to fall asleep. _

  
  


after that, he buried the crush he had and went on living, thinking naively that he was over it. he dated a couple of boys, a girl, even, and that was that.

  
  


but now here he is, staring down at his hands after his friend had left, hating the way the butterflies in his stomach are climbing into his throat. he likes hyunjin. again. He was so  _ stupid _ to think that he could get over it, so  _ stupid  _ to believe that it would be so easy, especially since he spends most of his time  _ with _ the other boy, or at least texting him.

 

_ i don’t like him _ . it’s not convincing at all, and he groans in frustration.

 

“i really don’t,” he tells his ceiling. it doesn’t seem to care. his phone starts ringing. The caller id says  **handsomjin** , and really, he shouldn’t be surprised as he picks up.

 

“hey, what’s up?” jeongin says, glaring at his fingernails.

 

“nothin’, just missed talking to you.” 

 

_ thump.  _ fuck.

 

“um, okay,  _ sure _ . you sound like you have tea, hyung.” 

 

“okay, maybe i do. guess.” 

 

“another girl?” it sounds bitter, even to him, and he cringes. there’s nothing he can do about it though, so he just awaits hyunjin’s answer.

 

“aw,” hyunjin says teasingly. “plenty of people like you, innie. don’t be jealous.”

 

_ i’m not jealous of  _ you _ , dimwit _ , jeongin thinks, but stays silent.

 

“but yeah, a chick just hit me up and sent like three paragraphs. which, yanno, i would find sweet if i had even ever talked to her. but literally i have no idea who she is?? and she knows all this shit about me, and i’m thinking, how the fu-”

 

“hyung,” jeongin interrupts. “you’re the prince of our high school. everyone knows a lot about you.”

 

“i guess,” hyunjin sighs. “but anyways, i’m not interested in girls.” 

 

_ WHAT???? _

 

“ _ what!? _ ” jeongin chokes out, his heart beating erratically. 

 

“yeah, i know,” hyunjin snorts. “but like mom said, if you’re not emotionally open for a relationship, then don’t get in one. then again, it’s not like i’m  _ not _ ,” jeongin holds his breath, waiting for a possible confession that could change his world. “it’s just that none of the girls at the school are my type. i like those girls that love god.” he snickers, and the younger boy’s chest crumbles. 

 

“yeah, i understand.”

 

“jeongin, you’re gay.”

 

“i’m bi!” jeongin retorts. “and anyways, if you’re so religious, why do you hang out with a bunch of gay people?”

 

“i…” hyunjin hesitates. “i guess it’s not my life, so i’m not bothered by it, right? that’s their quarrel with god, and i’m not one to interfere. people can make their own choices.”

 

“ah,” jeongin says. “well, i’ll be dancing in hell for you.”

 

“that’s not what i meant.”

 

“i know, hyung.”

 

silence hovers over them.

 

finally, jeongin breaks it. “i’m tired, let’s go to bed.”

 

“innie-”

 

“goodnight, hyung.”

 

hyunjin sounds confused when he returns the sentiment. jeongin hangs up.

  
  


_ well, _ he thinks, lying down and closing his eyes.  _ at least i didn’t confess or anything.  _

 

when he sleeps that night, he has dreams of thick lips and happy giggling.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, ima be postin p regularly  
> kudos and comments are suuuuper appreciated!!!!  
> <3


	2. change of routine

the group of nine meets at a coffee shop where woojin works as a barista, in the shift before school started for the college students (him, chan, changbin, and minho). it’s a ritual that’s done almost every day, and it’s odd when one of them  _ doesn’t  _ show up.

 

“hey guys.” jeongin plops down next to chan in the left booth, looking over the other five boys. changbin and felix are missing because they’re late (as usual), and woojin is still behind the counter. 

 

“hey innie,” minho says sleepily, his head resting on jisung’s shoulder. hyunjin is watching him strangely. jeongin can’t look at him.

 

“in,” seungmin calls. the youngest glances up.

 

“why aren’t you sitting in your regular seat?”  _ shit. _

 

“ah, just miss channie-hyung,” he lies (well, he  _ does  _ miss chris, but it’s just not the real reason). chan hums and brings him closer.

 

when it’s finally time to walk to school, hyunjin falls into step with jeongin.

 

“hey,” he says softy.

 

“hi.”

 

“look, i’m really sorry about what i said last night.”

 

“hyunjin hyung.” jeongin stops walking and grabs onto the other’s arm. he tilts his head up to gaze directly into hyunjin’s eyes, even though it makes the butterflies flutter their wings violently. “it’s okay. i’m not mad at you for having beliefs.”

 

“well, yeah, but they’re- they’re kind of bigoted, and-” hyunjin starts, sounding so guilty that it bruises jeongin’s heart.

 

“hyung, i’m  _ proud  _ of you for not letting them change you as a person. the center of your beliefs may be kind of messed up, but you’re not letting it influence the way you think about or treat others. that’s all i can ask for.”  _ i also want to ask if you would just let them go and fall in love with me _ , jeongin thinks, but he knows that even if hyunjin  _ was _ gay, he wouldn’t have a chance.

 

meanwhile, he starts walking, only pausing to look back at his friend, who’s frozen in place. hyunjin shakes off his daze and catches up with the younger, and his eyes are shining with... _ tears? _

 

“hyung-” 

 

hyunjin intertwines his fingers with jeongin’s, and the younger feels his cheeks warm.

 

“thank you,” he whispers.

 

_ thump _ .

 

“you’re welcome.”

  
  


the rest of the school day goes by normally, the overcast skies reflecting the mood of the students who are so close to winter break but are  _ still  _ being forced to work (it’s almost as if they’re at  _ school  _ or something). lunch is the same, and the group is still primarily loud, but by his spot in between hyunjin and seungmin, jeongin is staring out the window silently. his phone buzzes against his thigh, and he opens his messages under the table.

 

**private conversation with minnie**

 

**11:28 AM**

 

**minnie:** what’s bothering you bud

 

**in:** wut r u on about lol

 

**minnie:** you’re being uncharacteristically quiet

**minnie:** are you anxious or sumn?

 

**in:** im just tired no worries

 

**minnie:** literally every1 @ the table is worried kid

**minnie:** they all keep glancing @ you

**minnie:** especially jinnie

**minnie:** sumthin happen?

 

**in:** we got in a ltl argumnt but its resloved

 

**minnie:** u sure you’re just tired?????

 

rather than answering, jeongin just looks up at the other and nods. seungmin’s eyes narrow, but that’s the end of the conversation for now. when the youngest looks across the table, he notices the entire group of high school friends are watching the exchange.

 

☾

 

finally, they all go back to their own conversations, and eventually the bell rings. the rest of the school day passes by normally, and jeongin is walking out the front gate. 

 

soon enough, the others are catching up to him, all caught up in their own conversations about their boyfriends (felix and jisung) and lack thereof (seungmin). hyunjin is walking next to jeongin, babbling about the amount of times he got the questions right in math ( _ i was doing sooooo good, innie! _ ). the youngest nods and adds his own input where it’s due, but he’s not really paying attention. his mind is more focused on the proximity of the other, and what they’re going to do when they get to jeongin’s house, and how jeongin is going to handle his feelings when they get more evident every day, and how his chest has begun to tighten every time he looks at the other-

 

“jeongin,” hyunjin says suddenly, wrapping his fingers around jeongin’s wrist. tingles shoot up his arm, but the youngest doesn’t say anything, just hums in question. “you’re not listening, like, at all.”

 

“sorry hyung.” jeongin tries to make his voice sound breezy, and it actually works, to an extent. “all the talk about math just kinda made me think about my own grade.”

 

“is it bad?” hyunjin asks, his voice rising anxiously. “do you need help with anything? i can ask chan-hyung to help you-”

 

“no, it’s fine,” the younger stutters out. “i just meant- that, i don’t know-” jeongin searches his mind frantically for a lie. “ i just can’t wait for the end of the year.” he finishes lamely.

 

“oof,” hyunjin says in agreement. it’s left at that. “i’m coming to your house today, right innie?”

 

“yup.” 

 

“no fair,” felix whines suddenly. “we haven’t all hung out in forever!” 

 

“to be truthfully,” jisung agrees, swinging his arm over felix’s shoulders.

 

“okay, never say that again.” seungmin shivers. “but they’re right.”

 

jeongin thinks about it. his parents won’t be home (as usual), and the college students- specifically chan- can cook. plus, he wouldn’t be left alone with hyunjin. 

 

speaking of  _ him _ , he looks a little… upset? jeongin can’t imagine why. maybe it’s because the youngest is thinking about it and not automatically saying yes to their other friends. that’s gotta be it, right?

 

_ right. _

 

“yeah, sure, whatever. can someone hit up the group chat and let the hyungs know?” it’s almost a relief, knowing that he’s not gonna be left alone with the love of his life. 

 

it takes him a second to realize that’s what he addressed hyunjin as in his head. when he catches it, he stumbles, and the aforementioned boy grabs him quickly. jeongin can’t even look at him, his cheeks flushed.

 

_ i don’t love him, i don’t love him, i don’t love him- _

 

“you alright there, innie?” jisung asks, and the rest of the group has paused, too. seungmin is studying him with a sharp look in his eyes.

 

“haha, yeah, just tripped,” he says weakly.

 

“hmm, sus.” felix steps closer, his eyes narrowed, all up in jeongin’s face. hyunjin jerks the small boy back into his chest and  _ away _ from felix, but the freckled kid doesn’t even mind. he smiles.

 

“you like someone.” it’s said with so much finality that jeongin thinks felix may not be so stupid after all.

 

“no.” jeongin shakes his head vehemently. hyunjin’s face is blank for once.

 

“yes!” jisung grabs felix’s shoulder and shakes him around a bit. “oh my god, innie has a crush for the first time since, like, we met him!”  _ wrong, _ jeongin thinks.

 

“who is it!?” the freckled boy is beaming, and so is jisung, but both seungmin and hyunjin are have different expressions on their faces- seungmin with contemplation and concern, and hyunjin’s  _ still  _ unreadable.

 

“no one!” jeongin insists. jisung opens his mouth again, but-

 

“okay, you can tell us later,” seungmin interjects, and jeongin smiles at him gratefully.

  
  


when they get to the house, chris, woojin and minho are all inside, and changbin is parking the car. they all get inside and play hours of mario kart on the tv, and then after dinner (courtesy of chan and woojin) they switch to smash bros.

 

it’s completely dark in the room save for the glow of the television screen, and seven of them (they all brought their switches) are playing. hyunjin, jeongin and woojin are all waiting for their turns, watching and laughing as the others attempt to take down felix (who currently keeps winning every time). the three non-participants are all seated on the couch, and jeongin’s eyes are heavy because he hadn’t slept well the previous night. he sags against woojin, who pets his head distractedly. there’s suddenly a lot of shouting, and woojin shushes them.

 

“the baby is sleeping,” he says quietly.

 

“‘m not a baby, hyung,” he mumbles almost incoherently. “an’ i’m not asleep.” everyone cooes, and then jeongin feels arms wrap around him and tug them away from woojin. he whines about the loss of warmth (eliciting another whole round of aweing) until he’s lying down against hyunjin’s chest. he snuggles closer unconsciously, the smell lulling him asleep. some part of him can distantly hear the other’s talking, but he doesn’t register their words.

 

“he likes someone,” felix whispers to the others quietly. “but he seems pretty bummed about them, whoever they are. he wouldn’t tell us.”

 

“he’s been distant all day, too,” jisung continues. everyone’s eyes are on the sleeping maknae. 

 

“i don’t think he’s been sleeping very well.” it’s hyunjin’s observation that makes all of the other boys feel the biggest concern. they all think about a time last year when the youngest had been zombie-like, his depression and, mainly, his anxiety, keeping him awake until one day he hadn’t come to school or contacted any of them. woojin went to his house to find him passed out on the living room floor, backpack on the couch and school uniform on. since then, the other boys have always monitored his sleep. “and he won’t tell me what’s wrong.” 

 

“he hasn’t mentioned anything to me, either.” chan sounds miffed. 

 

his words strike everyone as wrong because chris, being almost a father figure and the most trusted friend to jeongin,  _ always  _ is told what’s wrong. they all observe him sleeping quietly.

 

“maybe it has something to do with his parents,” seungmin says quietly.

 

“no,” hyunjin denies quickly. “not a word from them, and he hasn’t even had a reaction to me bringing them up.” he stops talking (as well as everyone else) when jeongin makes a small noise of discontentment and buries his face in hyunjin’s neck. no one really thinks much of it, and they all clean the room and pack up (save for hyunjin, who is staying the night). 

 

well, almost no one thought much of it. chan and seungmin’s eyebrows are furrowed as they leave the house with the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, second chapter down. ima be real wit u chief, i've written an actual 50 pages of this god forsaken story on google docs, and i want to DIE  
> kudos and comments are always appreciated!!!!


	3. it begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> group chat names:  
> itsjasonbourne/dad(dy)- chan  
> bear- woojin  
> minnow- minho  
> rawrXD/pinkie pie- changbin  
> fuckix- felix (im so sorry lmao)  
> cheeks/rodent- jisung  
> satan- seungmin  
> twinkle toes- hyunjin  
> b a b e y- jeongin

it’s around three am when jeongin wakes up. he’s so warm, even though there’s only a thin blanket on him and by the looks of the ceiling, he’s in his living room. when he moves to get up, arms tighten around his middle and an annoyed breath tickles his neck.

 

it makes his heart leap in his throat, and he’s frozen against hyunjin’s chest. he _knows_ it’s the other boy because the smell of his shampoo floods jeongin’s senses. he wants to sit and revel in his touch, but he hates the fact that he’s taking advantage of hyunjin, so he pulls out of his grip and walks into the kitchen tiredly. he makes himself coffee and opens his phone up (which one of his friends had plugged in the previous night, bless them). he looks at the last few messages sent to the group chat a couple of hours previous.

 

**fortnite lobby 1**

 

**1: 48 AM**

 

 **Itsjasonbourne:** my sons (and woojin)

 **Itsjasonbourne:** you should all go to sleep

 

 **bear:** oKaY cHriS

 **bear:** Sorry, Minho stole my phone.

 

 **minnow:** maybe so

 **minnow:** but you and bin should come back from the studio first

 

 **rawrXD:** im home you squid

 **rawrXD:** im in my room already

 

 **bear:** And to think we thought the four of us rooming together would help with organization...

 

 **fuckix:** hyungs would you please

 

 **cheeks** : shut the FUCK up

 

 **satan:** ^

 

 **twinkle toes:** pls innie is sleeping and his phone is vibrating from the other room

  


that was the last message sent. jeongin sighs fondly. _hyunjin is such a good friend_ , he thinks. _too bad he’d be a better boyfrie-_ jeongin stops that thought in its tracks, creeping into the living room to grab hyunjin’s phone and plug it in.

  


he’s on his phone (he’s rereading the divergent series on his kindle app) when hyunjin rushes into the kitchen. when the older boy sees him, he lets out a breath of relief- and then proceeds to run at him. jeongin yelps as hyunjin’s lanky arms and broad chest envelope him.

 

“i was a _little_ worried when you weren’t on the couch,” hyunjin admits as he pulls away. he fixes jeongin’s hair- the younger boy is already ready for school, even though it just turned 6 o’clock- and then smiles at the sight of his phone plugged in.

 

“thanks, bub,” he singsongs. jeongin blushes and stares at his phone hard enough to shatter the screen. “i’m gonna take a shower. are my spare school clothes clean or do i have to go home?”

 

“they’re clean.” the younger is careful as he rubs his eyes, avoiding to bring awareness to the concealer coating his dark circles.

 

“thanks!” and then hyunjin is walking towards the bathroom to shower and brush his teeth (with the spare that jeongin put there a year prior).

  
  


when they enter the coffee shop, the other seven boy are at their normal table, talking loudly (as per usual) and going into hysterics at something jisung had done (in this case, hit himself in the face). the other two slide into the booth. chris’ eyes are locked on jeongin, and seungmin’s are flicking between the latter and hyunjin. jeongin ignores it, but obviously hyunjin doesn’t.

 

“why are y’all staring at innie? is he just too cute for you this morning? cuz me too.” it’s the worst thing to say, because jeongin flinches -so microscopically that no one notices (except chris).

 

“thanks, hyung.”

 

they all continue teasing and talking to each other, and the rest of the day goes by. clouds are gathering by the time jeongin gets home (with hyunjin hot on his heels).

 

“the humidity is messing with my hair,” he whines petulantly, tugging on jeongin’s arm as the latter sets his things down on the couch.

 

“maybe you should cut the mullet off, then,” jeongin snarks, and laughs at the pout hyunjin dons.

 

“do you not like it?” he asks, pouting. “i thought you liked it, innie.”

 

“i- i mean, it’s uh, i-” jeongin swallows. “it’s cute, hyung, i was just messing with you.” hyunjin beams at him, eyes glittering with mirth.

 

“you think it’s cute? well then, i guess i’ll keep it.” jeongin’s heart is going crazy now, because there’s no _way_ that hyunjin isn’t flirting with him.

 

“ah, you’re _so_ cute when you’re flustered. i’d kill to have a girl like you when i start dating again.” there it is. jeongin tries not to let the painful jerk of his heart be visible as he flicks through changbin’s netflix account. they settle on the umbrella academy.

 

about halfway through the 5th episode, hyunjin turns towards jeongin.

 

“when did you wake up this morning?”

 

jeongin freezes, feeling his blood go cold, before smiling at the other easily.

 

“ah, around 5:30. nothing too early.”

 

“did you sleep well?” hyunjin asking questions is suspicious, because he usually was oblivious to these things (or so jeongin thought).

 

“oh, yeah, why?” the older just shakes his head.

 

they sit there in silence (save for the show) until around 9 o’clock, when the series is over. jeongin switches the tv off, and shakes hyunjin (who had been dozing).

 

“time for you to go home,” jeongin smiles at him, but it melts off in awe as hyunjin licks his lips and rubs his eyes, looking hot yet also _unbelievably cute_.

 

 _he’s so fucking cute i’m gonna dieeeeee_.

 

“mmmmmm,” hyunjin replies intelligently. jeongin continues to bother him until he finally gets up and leaves.

 

“innie,” he murmurs right before he walks through the door.

 

“yeah?”

 

“i love you.”

 

jeongin swallows the painful lump in his throat. “i love you too.” and then the other is gone.

 

afterwards, jeongin goes to his room and sinks onto his bed, trying to sleep.

 

☾

 

he really _does_ try, but now it’s past 3 in the morning, and he’s still staring at the ceiling. his phone continues to vibrate with messages from the group chat, keeping him awake- though his thoughts are far more persistent and irritating.

 

 _i don’t love him_ , he tells himself resolutely, standing and glaring at the glow of his phone in the late hours of the night (early hours of the day?). he opens the chat with more force than necessary.

  


**fortnite lobby 1**

 

**3:27 AM**

 

 **fuckix:** k but honestly you can’t lie woojin hyung

 **fuckix:** minho is better at dancing than most of us

 

 **rodent:** WHO CHANGED MY NAME

 **rodent:** also yes my bb is very talented

 

 **twinkle toes:** aw dont put us down like that lix

 

 **minnow:** HYUNJIN

 **minnow:** and babe :”((

 

 **satan:** hey

 **satan:** im the moderator

 **satan:** frankly i'm disappointed you didn't immediately think it was me who changed it

 **satan:** also lol where's jeongin he's usually awake

 

 **bear:** Felix,

 **bear:** You, Hyunjin and Minho are all the most incredible dancers:^).

 

 **fuckix:** awwww thanks hyung

 

 **twinkle toes:** ^

 

 **minnow:** ^

 

 **dad(dy):** who changed my name

 

 **satan:** damn it people who else

 

 **pinkie pie:** firstly fuck you seungmin

 **pinkie pie:** secondly felix baby can you please go to sleep

 **pinkie pie:** thirdly yeah where is innie

 

 **dad(dy):** indeed where's my favorite child

 **dad(dy):** wait maybe he's getting sleep for once

 

 **b a b e y:** hey guys

 

 **dad(dy):** spoke too soon

 

 **b a b e y:** i appreciate yall noticing that ive not been online

 **b a b e y:** but its literally 3:30

 **b a b e y:** we have class tomorrow

 

 **satan:** k seriously what's wrong

 

 **b a b e y:** wut

 

 **satan:** you're never responsible unless you're upset

 **satan:** what's wrong

  


jeongin puts his phone to sleep and stares at the dark screen, feeling his eyes well with tears. fuck seungmin for being such a good friend. _seriously_. he reopens the group chat and considers his response.

  


**fortnite lobby 1**

 

**3:32 AM**

 

 **b a b e y:** sksksk nothin im just tired haha

 

 **twinkle toes:** you werent when i left tho???

 **twinkle toes:** and youre always awake at this time?????

 

 **b a b e y:** well now i am lol

 **b a b e y:** no worries hyungs

 

 **minnow:** hyungs? you must be reeeeaally tired

 

 **fuckix:** will yall lay off him jesus christ

 **fuckix:** if he's upset he’ll tell us, right innie?

 

 **b a b e y:** thanks lix hyung

 **b a b e y:** yeah

 

following felix’s outbursts and jeongin’s reply was a chorus of apologies. jeongin doesn’t bother reopening his phone. he silences it, plugs it in, and then lays down.

 

 _please, god, let me fall asleep tonight_ , he begs his ceiling silently. his tears create a wavy pattern over it, and he forces his eyes closed, even though it burns. _tomorrow is friday_ , he assures himself. _then the weekend._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awooumf this is the start to a shit ton of problems


	4. struggling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!!!!!!! anxiety attack its a big boii pls be careful :((

the boy finally falls into a restless, fitful sleep around 5 in the morning, and then wakes up to the sound of his alarm ringing at 6. rather than blaring conan gray or the strokes like usual, he gets ready in silence. when he finally turns on the light to check his appearance in the mirror, he sighs, reaching for an (admittedly old) tube of concealer for his dark circles (again). it doesn’t really work well, but it’s good enough that (hopefully) no one will ask. he makes his way to the kitchen, looking around for someone ( _anyone_ ), before realizing that he’s, as usual, completely alone.

 

of course, his parents aren’t home. they’re never home, but jeongin had, for some reason, wished he had someone else in the house.

 

jeongin is about halfway to school when his phone buzzes a different pattern than the group chat’s notification.

 

**private chat with minnie**

 

**6:54 AM**

 

 **minnie:** hey where are you??

 

he curses softly, avoiding an old woman’s offended look in his direction. jeongin had accidentally walked right past the coffee shop, probably due to the clouds in his head and the predawn and overcast darkness that cloaks the world.

 

 **innie:** omg im sorry i completely forgot this mornin

 **innie:** im sorry

 **innie:** shit

 

 **minnie:** woah its okay

 **minnie:** innie what's wrong you've been off these past few days

 

 **innie:** really nothin hyung

 **innie:** just been tired

 **innie:** didnt sleep well last night

 

it isn’t the whole truth, and it definitely won’t get him off the hook, but jeongin leaves it at that, choosing instead to focus his gaze on the sidewalk in front of him and tucks his phone away. his anxiety creeps back, colder than the winter air that he inhales. his friends would know. _seungmin_ would find out, and then he’d tell hyunjin.

 

 _no he wouldn’t,_ jeongin immediately scolds himself. _he’s my friend_.

 

 _he was hyunjin’s friend first,_ the nasty voice hisses, curling around his organs and tightening painfully. he ignores it, walking a little faster.

 

the entire first half of the school day goes by fine, until the class before lunch, when there’s a crash of thunder, and, as if it was a cue, rain begins pouring down in waves. the other kids in the class become too distracted for the class to continue, and the teacher sighs, throwing on a disney movie. jeongin takes the opportunity to put his head down, hoping to get some benefits from the off day.

 

he’s able to drift off into a twilight rest for about half an hour before the other students become too loud for him to even think, let alone sleep. the rain has quickly evolved into hail, and it’s coming down in sheets. of course, their school is an outdoor campus. of course jeongin hadn’t checked the weather forecast, and of _course_ it’s one of the days he’s wearing concealer. he takes out a tissue and wets it with his water bottle, scrubbing the makeup away. it’s pointless to have it drip down his face later anyways.

 

 _i don’t love him,_ he repeats to himself as the bell rings, and he waits for the other students to leave the classroom before staring through the doorway with uncertainty. he has to go sit with his friends in the expectedly too-cramped cafeteria again, and that means facing hyunjin; but it looks too crowded in there, and he’s already anxious. he whips out his phone and shoots off a text to his best friend.

 

**private conversation with handsomjin**

 

**11:31 AM**

 

 **bub:** hey hyung i dont think im gonna go in the cta today

 

 **handsomjin:** why not? is everything okay??

 

 **bub:** im kinda anxious today theres too many ppl in there

 

 **handsomjin:** aw okay bub:( do you want me to call any of the hyungs?

 **handsomjin:** do you want me to meet you anywhere?

 

 **bub:** no its okay i need some alone time

 **bub:** pls just let the others know?

 

 **handsomjin:** ngl minnie looks a lil upset

 **handsomjin:** lix looks a lil sad too

 **handsomjin:** and sung

 **handsomjin:** and me if it means anything

 **handsomjin:** did you say anything to minnie or anything

 **handsomjin:**  he looks like hes got some puzzle to solve

 

 **bub:** ah thats nothing i just didnt get very much sleep is all

 

 **handsomjin:** huh okay

 **handsomjin:** feel better:( <3

 

jeongin looks fixedly at the heart the other sent, and feels a solid rock form in his throat. he wants to curl up, right where he is under a small overhang. he feels lightheaded.

 

“excuse me, young man,” a woman says. when jeongin looks up, he meets the eyes of the vice principal in one of the infamous golf carts the staff circled around in. “can you please hand your phone over?” he tries not to cry as she (at least) makes sure not to get it wet.

 

“you can get it in the office after school- are you okay?” jeongin realizes he’s shaking, and it isn’t from the decreasing temperature.

 

“yuh-yes ma’am, j-just cold.” he can’t look away from his hands, which have the telltale buzz of an anxiety attack.

 

“how about you call your parents? you look sick, and i don’t think you should go back to class.”

 

and so jeongin finds himself trying desperately not to tip over the edge of panic while taking a ride on a golf cart. his phone was promptly returned to him so that he could call. rather than dialing his actual parent’s numbers, he fumbles for chan’s contact.

 

on the fourth ring, chan picks up, sounding out of breath.

 

“sorry, innie, just had to get out of class. what’s up?”

 

“can you pick me up?” jeongin whispers, his voice shaking.

 

“sorry, what was that? are you okay?”

 

“can yuh-you come ge’ me?” he repeats louder beginning to slur. not good. _no_. he’s at school, and what do the people in the office think? why is he bothering chan with his problems? he stumbles to his feet and out the front office’s door, making it to the curb of the parking lot. the hail is relentless, slamming down on him without mercy.

 

“jeongin, where are you? go inside-”

 

“nevermind, h-hyung,” he cuts chan off suddenly, his muscles beginning to cramp up. his legs crumble, his knees hit the ground, and he can’t even hear the hail anymore. he can’t hear his own breathing, or chan repeatedly calling his name. “g’bye,” he chokes out, jerking his almost- frozen arm away from his cheek and hanging up on the third try. he can’t even sob, struggling to stand and stagger away from the office. _no,_ he thinks, desperation filling him up and making him cold with horror when his legs fold from under him again.

 

_nononononono-_

 

he gasps for air, trying to regain control. he manages two steps before he lists to the side and rolls over on his back. his whole body is soaked, hail falling into his eyes, but he can’t feel anything, too lightheaded. nothing matters anymore when he can’t even breathe, his nails ripping into his palm. he screams through his teeth (it comes out whistle-ly and weak), because his eyes won’t shut and _my arms won’t move and i’m shaking and i can’t get any oxygen_ _in_ and suddenly he’s choking and fear envelops him and- his mind is no help, chanting _breathebreathebreathe_ but he _can’t_ and oh god he’s going to pass out.  he lays there for what must be at least twenty minutes before he hears splashing and footsteps as the world is throbbing in and out of darkness.

 

“ _jeongin!”_ it’s a yell filled with fear, but jeongin is too busy suffocating on his own panic to pay it any attention.

 

suddenly his eyes aren’t stinging in pain, and it’s all dark, but his face is warmer. it smells familiar, and it would comfort him if he could _just fucking breathe-_

 

“felix, help me!” jeongin can feel the voice vibrate against his face, but he can’t even draw any conclusions, his brain going too fast yet far too slow.

 

_breathepleasenopleasehelp-_

 

“let him go, seungmin,” another voice says urgently. then, “jeongin, you’re gonna feel me breathe, and i want you to copy me, okay? can you do that, buddy?” he tries to nod, but he can’t, and then his back is pressed against a chest. he feels the person inhale, and he tries _so fucking hard,_ but he _can’t_ and it _hurts-_

 

“c’mon, innie, you can do it,” the voice says soothingly. he tries again, and he gets a fraction of a breath in before he’s choking again, and he dry heaves over air that barely even made it to his lungs.

 

“ _oh, bub,”_ he hears, and _that_ voice brings _so much fear_ because it’s what got him here in the first place yet _so much relief_ that he draws in enough air for his eyesight to fail momentarily. “there you go.” the other voice returns, and jeongin is sane enough to recognize it now. it’s felix. felix is here. and seungmin. and-

 

“you’re doing good, bub,” hyunjin says. jeongin is so relieved that he can breathe that everything else starts to work, too. he sobs brutally; it rips at his throat and he starts coughing, but he can breathe. he’s okay. he’s shaking, and the panic is still there, but it’s sort of eased up and he’s _okay_. hyunjin eases the youngest from felix’s arms and cradles him to his chest (jeongin’s eyes are squeezed shut, but hyunjin smells like home).

 

“chan-hyung’s car is just over there,” jisung’s voice suddenly pitches in out of nowhere. “c’mon, we’re gonna bring him to their apartment.” chan. oh god, chan. he feels panic well up in him again.

 

“no, don’t worry lovely,” hyunjin murmurs to jeongin, holding him tighter. “it’s okay, he’s not mad.” that starts him crying all over again, and he barely registers being carried to the car. then it’s warm and there are familiar bodies all around him and his eyes won’t open, and-

 

jeongin is _tired_ . he’s in love with his best friend, he’s _still_ thrumming with anxiety, he’s running on an hour of shitty sleep, and he’s _so fucking tired._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a shit storm im sorry  
> kudos and comments are appreciated!!! <3


	5. shock!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> group chat names-
> 
> mommy/Mom- woojin  
> shekshee- minho  
> santa- seungmin  
> freakles- felix  
> [s]he bel[i]eved- jisung  
> uglee- hyunjin  
> triangle- changbin  
> sweetpea- jeongin  
> insomnidad- chan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for now and future reference, italicized AND bolded text (simultaneously) is in english- UNLESS it's in a text, and in that case it's just italicized (sorry it's kinda complicated:( )

when the car stops in front of the apartment complex, chris is the one to pull him away from hyunjin and carry him up the stairs (the elevator is down) and into the room. woojin immediately steps away from the door, and minho has already made a nest for the youngest on the couch. changbin is holding gyu, and when chan puts jeongin down on the couch and settles next to him protectively, changbin hands the stuffed pokémon to him and then sits on the floor. the others all gather around in the living room, and jeongin buries his face in chris’ chest. he’s still trembling like a leaf, but he’s not crying anymore.

 

hyunjin comes in last and makes to sit next to the poor boy, but seungmin grabs his arm and pulls him away from the couch. chan nods at the former, and hyunjin looks a little upset and _more_ than a little confused. it’s completely silent in the apartment.

 

“hey, innie.” minho speaks first, his eyes filled with concern. “how are you feeling?”

 

“i-” the boy doesn’t pull away from chan’s chest, and the elder feels tears soak through his shirt. he wraps his arms more securely around him. “you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” chris assures him.

 

“can i go to your room?” jeongin sounds so small in the moment that everyone flinches. chan helps him stand from the couch, minho on his other side, and with that he’s whisked into chan and woojin’s room and wrapped in blankets. woojin stands at the door, and chan leaves jeongin’s side to drag him, minho, and seungmin into minho’s room.

 

“he’s suffering really badly from anxiety right now,” seungmin begins, “because of hyu- the person he likes. it’s killing him. his depression is worsening, and i’ve just been _watching it happen-_ ”

 

“please don’t blame it on yourself,” chris says tiredly, landing a hand on the other’s shoulder and squeezing gently. “it’s on all of us for not doing or saying anything sooner. but i’m pretty sure you and i are the only ones aware of the situation.”

 

“what? what’s the situation?” minho asks, looking between them. woojin sighs.

 

“make that three of us. i know, too.” chris nods, because he’d figured as much. minho vibrates in place.

 

“he likes hyunjin.” seungmin whispers to him so quietly that he almost doesn’t hear it. he blinks rapidly, but makes a noise of understanding.

 

“correction,” chris interjects. “he’s _liked_ him. he talked to me about it last year-”

 

“me, too, sort of-” seungmin adds.

 

“and i think it never really went away.”

 

“i think it’s far past like, at this point.” woojin sounds so sad on jeongin’s behalf. the others wince.

 

“there’s no way hyunjin isn’t at least bi, though,” minho protests, his eyes calculating. “i mean, he’s really gay for innie-”

 

“he hasn’t come to terms with it if he _does_ like jeongin,” the eldest interrupts swiftly. “and there’s the possibility that he’s completely unaware of how he’s acting. but he really is leading innie on with all of his flirting and possessiveness. it’s hurting him pretty bad.”

 

chris nods. “and there’s the whole home situation. jeongin is so afraid to go home alone, you know?” the others stare at him, shocked. the younger has always acted nonchalant at being the only one in his house all the time. “yeah. and he can’t say no to hyunjin, mostly cuz he can’t say no in _general_ , but also because hyunjin’s the only one who really forces himself to go with him. he hates asking for things.”

 

everyone sit in silence to process it.

 

“i could, um. i’ll start trying to go home with innie? i think if we lessen the time hyunjin can hurt him, then he’ll be a little more relieved.” the others nod.

 

when chris and seungmin return to jeongin, minho and woojin leave to make dinner. footsteps sound down the hall, coming closer. jeongin could recognize them anywhere.

 

“hyung-” he starts, his voice wobbly with panic, staring at chris.

 

“i know,” chris says softly. “seungmin and i are gonna keep you safe from everything, okay?” jeongin doesn’t really get it.

 

until he does.

 

it _really_ hits him when seungmin stands in the doorway, blocking hyunjin from coming in.

 

“yah,” hyunjin says, his voice irritated and worried. “let me in, what are you doing?”

 

“he needs to just be with chan-hyung right now,” seungmin replies evenly.

 

“but i need to-”

 

“you’ve done enough,” seungmin hisses, and hyunjin is hurt, and surprised, and _confused_ , because his oldest and best friend is yelling at him for something- he doesn’t even know what- he did to his _other_ best friend. it clicks for the youngest- they _know_. chris and seungmin know, and hyunjin _still_ _doesn’t get it_ , and _fuck_ , he’s crying again. hyunjin looks stricken, trying to push past seungmin, but then chris stands up, his face blank.

 

it’s hard to tell, if you were to look at the group of friends, who’s the most terrifying and intimidating. at first, everyone would assume it to be changbin, or minho, or even hyunjin; but the answer would surprise anyone, because the answer is _chris_ . easy-going, all around friendly and fatherly chris. it’s so obvious to see at the moment, as he walks towards hyunjin, that even seungmin flinches back and moves out of his way. his eyes aren’t cold, but they yell _take caution_ , and his face is made of stone.

 

“i think it’s time for the lot of you to go home,” he says firmly. it’s not even loud, but the others hear it from the living room- not just because the apartment is small, but because it’s such a rare thing, hearing chris be even close to threatening, and it’s outright _scary_. he walks out, seungmin trailing behind him. hyunjin backs into the room with the other boys, eyes nervous. the high schooler’s (and even the college group’s) faces all matched the agitated and tense expression on hyunjin’s.

 

“hyung,” felix breaks the silence, voice shaking. “ **_is everything okay?_ **” the older nods.

 

“go on home. changbin can drive you.” and that’s that. no one dares to disagree, and soon the kids are filtering out of the room behind changbin, who has his keys in hand.

 

as soon as they’re gone, chris relaxes into a short hug against woojin’s chest before turning and going back to jeongin.

 

the boy is buried under chris’ blankets, a tuft of his red hair visible from beneath them. chris sits next to him on the edge of the bed and pets his hair a little.

 

“everyone’s gone, baby,” he says quietly, slipping under the covers and pulling jeongin into his chest gently. “you can sleep over.”

 

“thank you, hyung.” jeongin sounds _so_ tired, and slowly his breath evens out. right before he falls asleep, he murmurs, “woojin-hyung can come too.” later in the night, he does just that; woojin comes into his room to see chan curled around jeongin, his hand reaching out for something on the other side of the bed- some _one_. woojin smiles and lays down on the other side of the maknae, and chris sighs in his sleep like he knows it. the older intertwines his fingers with the blond, and slowly drifts off as well.

 

☾

 

when jeongin wakes up, both of his hyungs are wrapped around him (and somehow, each other). he wiggles out from between them and changes into chris’ hoodie that’s lying on the floor and someone’s (he doesn’t know whose) sweatpants that are folded at the end of the bed. when he checks the time, he’s a little taken aback that it’s 7 in the morning.

 

 _i slept for that long?_ he thinks. and then, _my phone has so many notifications what the fu-_

  


he opens his messages. _woojin must have been up earlier_ , he muses, reading through the group chat.

  


**jeongin protection squad**

 

**6:30 AM**

 

 **mommy:** I’ll have you know that i literally hate my name

 

 **(** **_mommy_ ** **has changed their name to** **_mom_ ** **)**

 

 **Mom:** That’s better.

 **Mom:** Also, Chris and Innie are asleep

 

 **shekshee:** seungmin what the fuck does my name even mean

 

 **santa:** its sexy with a lisp you fool

 

 **freakles:** SKADJAKFKBFLDNASFFHKG:LF

 

 **[s]hebel[i]eved:** AHFOUHPIHANGP:ANKJGOF;

 **[s]hebel[i]eved:** BRO DID YOU REALLY BASE ME OFF OF THIS MEME

**[s]hebel[i]eved:**

 [[s]he bel[i]ved.insta](https://www.instagram.com/p/BvpX_LBFP9S/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link)

 **santa:** yes.

 

 **uglee:** uM i TaKe OfFeNsE tO tHiS!1!!1!

 **uglee:** but also how was innie doing after we left

 

 **shekshee:** he’s fine.

 

 **triangle:** seungmin ill fuck u up for this

 **triangle:** and also yeah he slept pretty soundly for once

 

 **uglee:** do you think i could come over later to check in on him

 

 **santa:** No

 

 **Mom:** No.

 

 **shekshee:** No

 

 **uglee:** jesus christ

 

 **triangle:** arent you religious

 **triangle:** u cant use the lords name in vain

 

 **uglee:** yall what did i even do???????????

 

 **triangle:** bitch,,,,

 

 **shekshee:** figure it out yourself dumbass

 

 **[s]hebel[i]eved:** hot

 **[s]hebel[i]eved:** but whats with the aggression?

 

 **freakles:** wait

 **freakles:** OH

 **freakles:** oooooh

 **freakles:** suddenly everything makes sense

 **freakles:** lol yeah hyunjin youre a bitchass

 

 **uglee:** HUH???????

 

 **triangle:** fe dm me

 

the last message was sent roughly two minutes ago. jeongin frantically types.

 

 **sweetpea:** felix whatever u r thinking its wrong

 

 **triangle:** he lives

 

jeongin’s phone vibrates again. it’s felix.

 

**soft hyung**

 

**7:03 AM**

 

 **soft hyung:** you like him dont you?

 

 _shit_.

 

 **beeb:** ok so maybe ur right

 **beeb:** u cant tell anyone!!!!!!!!

 

 **soft hyung:** k but every1 who said no in the gc knows right

 

 **beeb:** yes and chan

 **beeb:** but thats it

 

 **soft hyung:** well now binnie knows too

 **soft hyung:** i promise i wouldnt have told him but i already had by the time you hmu!!

 **soft hyung:** im really sorry!!!! _im sorrryyyyyyyyyyyyy_ ｡ﾟ(*´□`)ﾟ｡

 

 **beeb:** its ok

 **beeb:** just dont tell jinnie OR jisung cuz he cant keep a secret

 

 **soft hyung:** i wont, i promise

 

 **beeb:** thank you:)

 

jeongin scrolls through the rest of his notifications and finds some messages from hyunjin and seungmin, too.

 

**jinnie**

 

**1:45 AM**

 

 **jinnie:** hey text me when youre awake im worried about you

 **jinnie:** dont forget that i love you

 **jinnie:** i dont know what i did, but please talk to me

 

**7:04 AM**

 

 **jinnie:** hey how are you doing????

 

 **bub:** im doing okay

 **bub:** i love you too

 

 _more than you know_. he shakes the thought off and opens his messages from seungmin. they’re from about a minute ago, too.

 

**ᵈᵃⁿᵈʸ ᵇᵒʸ**

 

**7:03 AM**

 

 **ᵈᵃⁿᵈʸ ᵇᵒʸ:** hey bud how are you?

 

 **in:** im doin okay

 **in:** jinnie texted me he loves me

 **in:** why does it hurt so much he says it all the time

 

 **ᵈᵃⁿᵈʸ ᵇᵒʸ:** we’ll get through this together.

 

 **in:** i hope so

 

the group chat bubble notification flashes on his screen again.

  


**jeongin protection squad**

 

**7:06 AM**

 

 **insomnidad:** okay but why does my name sound like a superhero’s

 **insomnidad:** also innie where’d you go

 

 **sweetpea:** im in te ktcn

 

 **shekshee:** he's makin pancakes with me

 **shekshee:** what a cutie

 

 **uglee:** he is!!!!!!!!!

 

 **shekshee:** do you ever shut the fuck up

 

 **[s]hebel[i]eved:** jesus CHRIST babe

 **[s]hebel[i]eved:** that was harsh

 

 **freakles:** not really

 

 **triangle:** its so weird seeing felix being upset at someone openly

 **triangle:** i dont like it

 **triangle:** fuck you hyunjin

 

 **uglee:** WHAT THE FUCK??????

 **uglee:** why are you mAD AT mE!?!??!?

 

 **santa:** omfg

 

 **uglee:** seUNGMIN HE L P M E

 

 **santa:** nah

 

 **Mom:** OKAY

 **Mom:** It’s not bully Hyunjin time.

 **Mom:** It’s not gonna help any, so cut it out.

 

 **insomnidad:** woojin hyung is right. you can be upset, but please refrain from being mean, especially so needlessly. it’s not even technically our business.

 

 **sweetpea:** thanks dad

 **sweetpea:** *chan stupid autocorrect hahahahahahaha

 

 **[s]hebel[i]eved:** CATCH ME CRYIN IN THE CLBU YOU'RE SO ADORABLE

 

 **shekshee:** truth^

 

 **uglee:** im-

 

 **triangle:** anyways let's just get the day started

 **triangle:** get off ya damn phones its a saturday enjoy it

 

and so the entire morning, the college kids and jeongin make and eat their pancakes. they sit around and watch tv for most of the day, but it goes by too quickly for the maknae. all too soon, chris is driving him home- to an empty house that he hates _very much, thank you_.

 

but when chris pulls up, the sadness in his stomach spikes to outright fear.

 

his parent’s car is in the driveway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!!!!  
> kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!!  
> this was a bitch to write btw holy shit i wanted to bust a phat tear every two seconds; also the insta link is shitty but it wouldnt let me put the picture ugghhhhhh so sorry bout that


	6. pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!!!!!! violence, homophobia and child abuse, i am SO sorry innie i love him i PROMISE

 

“is that-” chris begins, craning his neck to peer at the car.

 

“yes.” jeongin’s voice is the most serious it’s ever been. chris has rarely ever witnessed this side of him- and that alone always makes him nervous. 

 

jeongin, as a person, hates coming off as unhappy, even when he is. he tries to keep a smile on, because he has a resting bitch face. right now, his face is so blank that it makes chris uncomfortable.

 

“do you want me to come in with you?”

 

“n-no, i can- no.” he’s sweating now, and shaking slightly as he slides out of his seat. “i’m gonna keep my phone on silent, so don’t- everything will be fine, don’t worry.” chris looks like he’s worrying an immense amount, but jeongin ignores it and walks across the street and into his house.

 

“yang jeongin.” his mother appears in the doorway of the kitchen almost immediately. “where have you been?”

 

“i was over at chris’ house- y-you remember chris?”

 

“ah.” and that’s it. she turns around, beckoning him to follow her with her eyes. when they get into the room, his mother moves to stand in front of the fridge-  _ it’s almost as frigid as her _ , he thinks- and his father stands from the table.

 

“son.” he holds out his hand, and jeongin stares at it.  _ shake his fucking hand!!! _ he finally does, his father and his hands both equally cold. “how have you been?”

 

“oh, pretty good. my grades are high.”

 

“that’s good,” his mother says, smiling- it doesn’t look remotely human. rather, she looks like a skull with botoxed skin stretched over it, a plastic smile created because the corners of her mouth are pinned much too far apart on her cheekbones. her eyes don’t change, and the smile slowly fades again. “dinner is ready. let’s eat.”

 

and they do. jeongin and his father are both extremely tense, but that’s just how his dad has always been. the adults talk all about business and money, and how nice jeongin has been keeping the house (“although, dear, please sweep from time to time.” “i’m sorry.”). and then suddenly they’re not talking about business at  _ all _ .

 

“jeongin, did you hear that the han’s son is gay?” 

 

jeongin flinches so hard that his silverware nearly flies out of his hand.

 

“u-um, yeah, why?” fuck, he shouldn’t have asked why.  _ stupid, stupid _ .

 

“well,” his mother daintily sets her own utensils down and dabs at her flawless lipstick with a napkin. “is he not your friend? josing, or whatever it is?” she turns to her husband. “honey, help me out-”

 

“it’s  _ jisung _ ,” jeongin says through gritted teeth, voice trembling still.

 

“ah, yes, thank you. he  _ is  _ your friend, right?” his mothers eyes gleam with something sharp, as if they’re filled with bleach and jeongin is the stain.

 

“yes, he is.” the younger boys hands grip the edge of chan’s hoodie so tightly that he feels small pops as the threading pulls apart.

 

“you shouldn’t be friends with him. that sort of disease rubs off, i’ve heard,” his father interjects with a monotone voice. his mother nods like he suggested having ice cream for dessert and not that one of jeongin’s best friends is disgusting, and she finishes her (third? fourth?) glass of wine.

 

“it’s- gayness isn’t a disease, and jisung-hyung isn’t  _ sick _ ,” jeongin points out, and his voice isn’t shaking much anymore. “there’s nothing wrong with-”

 

“dear,” his mother begins, and  _ oh no _ , she’s talking in the way that used to make a younger version of him cower.  _ especially  _ if she’s had too much to drink. “you’re talking like you’re a faggot, too.” 

 

he feels so much rage heat his body up -and then immediately douse the flames with what feels like icy water- that he rises to his feet. his fists curl at his sides, and he carefully pushes his chair in before backing up slightly.

 

“i  _ am _ .” 

 

there’s a clatter of metal against plastic as his father drops his spoon into the soup bowl, staring up at him with an increasingly reddening face. his mother is frozen to her seat, eyes locked on her plate.

 

“ _ what _ ,” she hisses finally, standing up as well and taking a step towards him threatenly. “did you just say?”

 

“i’m gay, mom. i’m a  _ faggot _ .” he spits the word at her, and suddenly she’s rushing at him and her fingers encircle his throat. he screams, but he can’t get any air back in. his father gets up, but rather than helping him, he disappears from the kitchen.

 

“ _ don’t call me that! _ ” she snarls, near hysterical. “ _ don’t ever call me that, you disgusting excuse of a boy! _ ” and then, her eyes shining manically and that horrible, skin stretching smile reappearing, she says in a perfectly calm way, “you’re not  _ my son _ .”

 

he yelps as she lets him go, crumbling to the ground and holding his throat, wheezing for air. she picks up a plate from the table and, without any hesitation, throws it at him.

 

at first, he doesn’t register the piece of ceramic hitting the wall behind him, because he still can’t really breathe, but then something warm drips down the side of his cheek, and his face explodes in pain from shrapnel bouncing off from the impact.  _ luckily it was only a salad plate _ , he thinks, choking on a sob.

 

but the front door comes swinging open and footsteps thunder in, and someone’s yelling, and then arms wrap around him- they’re not threatening this time, but comforting- and he’s out of the house the next time he blinks. he seems to teleport again, or maybe he blacks out, because he’s in hyunjin’s kitchen now, and the boy is calling his name frantically, face hovering over his.

 

“innie!” he sobs, hands cupping jeongin’s head like he’s cradling a child. “c’mon, baby, come back.”

 

jeongin feels like he was just saved from drowning, but eventually his eyes focus. “ _thank you, God,_ ” hyunjin chokes under his breath. “hey, bub, i’m gonna help you, but you gotta stay awake, okay? did you hit your head at all?” jeongin shakes his head, but it makes him dizzy and he feels nauseous. it must show on his face, because- “hey, hey, use your words, baby. can you breathe okay now?”

 

“yeah,” jeongin mumbles, and his voice is shot. it makes both of them wince. 

 

“that’s good. i’m gonna take the shards out of your cheek, okay? but i need you to stay calm.” shards? there are shards of the plate in his face? the pain seems to worsen with that realization, and his breath quickens. “no- innie baby, calm down, okay? deep breaths. it’s gonna be okay, okay? do you want me to call chris?” 

 

“no,” he manages, and hyunjin nods. he takes tweezers and gets to work on jeongin’s cheek, trying to tune out his soft crying so that he can get the last pieces. finally, they’re all out, and he puts antibiotic ointment on it and then plasters a bunch of princess bandages on him, which gets a giggle out of the tired boy. “let’s go to my room, alright? and then we can go to sleep and you don’t have to worry about anything. i’ll let everyone know you’re okay.”

 

“they- they know?” jeongin chokes out as hyunjin helps him up the stairs and into his bed. 

 

“chan-hyung was getting worried by the fact that you weren’t answering your phone and asked me to come by to check on you. i am so,” he takes a deep breath, and it’s shaky with relief. “ _ so  _ glad that i did.” he crawls into bed after shooting off a text (presumably to chan) and wraps himself around the other gently, vaguely resembling an octopus.

 

_ this is why i love you _ , jeongin thinks dazedly, his eyes slipping shut and arm coming up and draping over hyunjin’s waist.  _ this is why you’re everything to me _ . 

 

they fall asleep like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://media.tenor.com/images/eb6b4ee04454419daa378ea874ec1b64/tenor.gif  
> OHHHHH MY GOD GUYS ITS COMING AFAJIGBHI IM SO HYPED  
> okay but not at how badly this is written  
> okay and also, it's a short one bc of the content  
> i'm sorry, but i hope you enjoyed!  
> kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!!!! <3


	7. falling apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> same gc names as last chapter!:^)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!!!! panic attack(s) but they're small

it’s like a dream, waking up next to the love of your life.  _ especially  _ when you wake up first, because you can see them in all their glory, vulnerable and relaxed and calm.

 

jeongin gazes at hyunjin. his mouth is wide open and-  _ ew, he’s drooling _ \- but his face is so happy and free from the worry that plagued it last night. jeongin tries to forget about the “baby”s that the older kept dropping, but the memories make his chest ache- until he realizes why he’s in the other’s room in the first place. his cheek burns, and when he reaches up to touch his throat, he winces, because the skin is so tender. he slips out of bed and into the bathroom, glaring at his reflection (princess bandages aside. he can’t be mad at rapunzel, she’s only doing her job). his neck is painted a purplish hue- dark enough to linger for more than a week, clearly visible, and quite painful. he tugs the plasters off of his face and studies the scratches underneath. there’s only one deep gash, and it aligns with his eye. his fingers reach up to brush it, but-

 

“don’t touch it,” hyunjin grumbles in his ‘i just woke up and i want to die’ voice. his eyes are squinted shut, and he’s pouting, and jeongin  _ really  _ wants to kiss him. the older opens the mirror cabinet and pulls out a fresh bandage, reapplying the medicine before pressing the sticky thing over the cut. and then, like an oblivious idiot, he leans in and kisses it. he just. he kisses the band aid. he kiss. he. wh-

 

“what-” jeongin splutters, blinking rapidly. hyunjin smiles lazily at him, eyes still slightly squinted, and then goes back to his bed and collapses on it. jeongin makes a noise- sort of resembling a keyboard smash- and follows him, sitting at the edge of the bed.

 

“cuddle,” hyunjin insists, opening his arms wide. jeongin stares. and continues to stare for the next 15 seconds, because is he really about to say it? is he going to destroy the entire friendship that they have? is he-

 

“what?” hyunjin asks, eyebrows furrowing as he sits up, crossing his legs and looking back at jeongin confusedly.  _ you’re always confused and i am- _

 

“completely in love with you,” he breathes, and then the world stops spinning.

 

for a moment, hyunjin’s jaw drops open, and his face is a picture of awe. “w-what did you just say?” he whispers hoarsely.

 

“i- i’m-” jeongin sharply inhales as hyunjin starts to stand and back up slightly. 

 

“you can’t-”

 

“w-”

 

“jeongin, you’re- we’re best friends, i- i’m straight-”

 

“oh god, oh  _ no _ .” it finally hits him that he just confessed to his best friend. 

 

his world crashes down around him and waves sound in his ears, drowning out everything else. “god- i’m- i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean to-” he scrambles up and in his haste, backs up against hyunjin’s desk, before finally making out the door. he’s taking the stairs two at a time, and his heart is  _ pounding _ .

 

“wait!” hyunjin calls, his voice still panicky, but he doesn’t follow jeongin. 

 

he throws himself out of the door and runs across the street. the door to his house is locked, and he knows he managed to unlock it with the spare but he doesn’t remember doing it. he only remembers that the car in the driveway was gone when he rushed over, and his eyes land on the note on the counter. he catches his breath, picking it up. the paper is shaking so hard that it makes a wobbling sound, and it almost makes jeongin laugh deliriously. he lets himself sink to the floor, eyes staring unblinkingly at the words until his tears fall enough so that he can read them.

 

it’s in his mother’s handwriting.

 

_ jeongin. _

 

_ what i did last night was not exactly what i wanted to do, and you must forgive me for that. if you get anyone involved, however, there will be consequences. _

 

_ back to the topic at hand. you’re ‘gay’. i believe this is a phase that you think is cool because of your friend. you shouldn’t be friends with him anymore. however, as a punishment until you rethink your actions, we are only going to send you about 28,000￦  _ **_[author’s note: that’s about 25 USD]_ ** _ a week, until you decide to return to normal. _

 

_ we won't be back for christmas. _

 

_ Eunji. _

  
  


28,000￦? that wouldn’t even get him enough food for  _ dinner _ for the week, let alone his school lunch account, going out with his friends, getting  _ actual clothes- _

 

he feels himself start to panic, and sobs start ripping themselves from his bruised throat. everything hurts, and now he’s laughing self-deprecatingly. he feels himself drown under the waves that had risen to his ears before. his phone is across the room, and its screen flashes. he doesn’t even try to get it.

 

this time, he suffers alone.

 

☾

 

jeongin’s neck hurts.

 

it’s the first thing that comes to his mind as he blinks awake. his butt hurts, too, because apparently he had fallen asleep sitting on the floor. it’s dark  _ everywhere _ , so it must be late.

 

he stands up, groaning in pain, and grabs the note from the ground. he puts it in a random drawer and then heads to the front door to lock it. 

 

_ god, i could’ve gotten murdered _ . maybe it’s not as bad of a thought to him at the moment as it should be.

 

he walks into the living room and picks up his phone, sitting on the couch gingerly and unlocking the screen (which had yelled at him in big, bright numbers that it was 1:56 AM). he looks through his messages (he seems to be doing a lot of that. he’s surprised that his parents haven’t cut his phone bill, too).

 

**dad**

 

**saturday at 8:03 PM**

 

**dad:** innie

**dad:** how’d it go with your parents

**dad:** innie?

 

**(1 missed call from** **_dad_ ** **)**

**saturday at 8:39 PM**

 

**dad:** hyunjin told me you’re at his and not to worry. please call me when you get a chance.

**dad:** i hope you’re asleep

 

**sunday at 6:01 AM**

 

**dad:** hey innie how are you doing???

 

**sunday at 9:03 AM**

 

**dad:** oh hyunjin told me your phone’s at your house. call me when you get home

 

**(1 missed call from** **_dad_ ** **)**

**sunday at 12:02 PM**

 

**dad:** hey, you left hyunjins?????

**dad:** he told me to call you

**dad:** innie????

 

**(2 missed calls from** **_dad_ ** **)**

**sunday at 11:00 PM**

 

**dad:** innie i really need you to text or call please

**dad:** jeongin

**dad:** your phone better be dead.

 

**(2 missed calls from** **_dad_ ** **)**

**monday at 1 AM**

 

**dad:** that’s it

**dad:**  i’m coming over.

 

jeongin is trembling, staring at every missed call and text from chris with a distant fascination.  _ it's happening again _ , he thinks, watching himself outside of his body as he unlocks the door and then tries to make it down the hallway, only to feel his legs giving out like the useless pieces of shit that they are.  _ this is the third time in three days _ , he snarls at them in his head, before that thought is whisked away as fast as the others are. he’s in the middle of the hallway, on his knees, arms around himself tightly. he thinks he can kind of make out the door opening, and can kind of hear chris hiss curse words under his breath, and can sort of feel it as he picks jeongin up like a ragdoll and deposits him in his lap.

 

“innie, i need you to focus. breathe when i do.” jeongin does- he  _ can _ breathe, but he's still panicking. “you're doing good. can you count for me? count to ten and then back, come on.” and he does.  _ one two three four three two one- _ and repeats it over and over until he's calm enough to relax against chris. 

 

“i’m proud of y- what the hell happened to you!?” and chris goes into dad mode, his fingers tracing the necklace of bruises jeongin sports and then the band aid on his cheekbone.

 

“nothing,” jeongin mumbles, but his eyes well with tears.

 

“your mom did this to you?” chris's voice has taken on a sharp edge. jeongin doesn't look him in the eye. “jeongin. please answer me.” 

 

the younger boy nods. chris exhales angrily. 

 

“you can't tell anyone!” jeongin cries, turning around in chris’ arms. “there  _ will _ be consequences-” 

 

“ **_conseque-_ ** okay, i won't tell anyone. just our group of friends, okay innie?” 

 

“okay…” jeongin tucks his face in the other's neck, trying not to cry again. it’s silent for about a minute, and jeongin soaks in chris’ presence.

 

“baby, why'd you leave hyunjin's so fast?” and there it is. jeongin bursts into tears, and chris obviously isn't expecting it, but he doesn't seem surprised, either. he just holds the boy tighter.

 

finally, jeongin croaks out, “it was a mistake.”

 

chris blinks. “what?”

 

“he- he kissed my band aid and then asked for cuddles, and it just slipped out that i'm in love with him, and then we both panicked and i had to get out of there-”

 

“hey, hey, it's okay, take a breath,” chris speaks softly, pressing jeongin's head to his collarbone. “everything's gonna be okay. how about i stay here for the rest of today, and you take off school, and then we can have everyone come over tomorrow night- tonight, whatever-  **_TaKe YoUr GoDdAmN ePIpEn AnD gEt OuT oF mY hOuSe-_ ** ” it elicits a small trilling giggle from jeongin, which chris considers a win- “and we can talk to them about some stuff. does that sound okay?” 

 

“what  _ stuff _ ?” 

 

“not hyunjin.” jeongin relaxes back into chris. “although they might pick something up from it. we'll talk about what happened with your mom, if you're comfortable with that.”

 

“okay, i trust everyone,” jeongin agrees. “but can we sleep in my bed? my butt hurts from sleeping on the floor last night.”

 

“you did  _ what?? _ ”

 

☾

 

as the two get settled in jeongin's bed, the younger looks at the group chat over chris’ shoulder.

 

**jeongin protection squad**

 

**2:13 AM**

 

**Mom:** So Innie is okay?????

 

**insomnidad:** yeah he's all good now

 

**[s]hebel[i]eved:** what happenes???

 

**freakles:** ^^^

 

**shekshee:** was it his parents or *other

 

**triangle:** oh god

 

**insomnidad:** uhhh

**insomnidad:** parents

 

“just tell them, hyung,” jeongin mumbles tiredly, burying his face in chris’ back.

 

**insomnidad:** and other

 

**santa:** i swear to fuckig GOD-

 

**uglee:** is he sleeping yet?

 

**shekshee:** do you have the right to ask that question?

 

**insomnidad:** MINHO

**insomnidad:** THAT'S ENOUGH, ALL OF YOU

**insomnidad:** no more fucking animosity from anyone in this chat. it's not good for innie and i'm tired of it. i know we're all pissed, mainly at innies parents and hyunjin, but it's not gonna help any, so put your damn claws away.

 

**[s]hebel[i]eved:** wAit whY are we mad @ jinnie?????

 

**uglee:** ...you guys know?

 

**Mom:** Let’s just leave it alone. Go to bed everyone, you have classes tomorrow.

 

chris puts his phone on the nightstand (he practically slams it down, and jeongin jumps), and then turns and kissed jeongin's head. the younger boy cuddles into him. 

 

as they drift off, jeongin finds that he's been hanging out with his friends more, regardless of the (admittedly unfortunate) circumstances . he's been  _ sleeping  _ with them more, and therefore sleeping in general. it's a good change, but it makes him feel guilty. minutes later, chris observes the boy’s breathing slow down and deepen, and then he attempts to sleep himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof that shit HURTED  
> *in loveshot* i cAnT BeliEvE  
> kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!!! <3  
> *also side note jisung being oblivious is ME ajfkskg


	8. repercussions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!!! mentions of homophobia, mentions of child abuse, mentions of violence, & throwin up- pls be careful!

 

 

_ “you’re not my son.” _

 

_ “i’m straight.” you’re my best friend. you’re my best friend. you’re- “we’re not friends.” _

 

_ “you’re making it sound like  _ you’re _ a faggot-” _

 

_ “you disgusting excuse of a boy. we’re not friends.” _

 

_ wake up. it’s a dream. he would never say that to me. _

 

“i’m leaving.” _ chris- _

 

“what?” 

 

“we’re not friends.”  _ you disgusting excuse of a boy. _

 

_ you’re disgusting. _

 

_ “baby, did you even think for a  _ second _ that we were friends?” _

 

_ “we’re not friends. don’t ever call me that.” _

 

_ “you’re not my son.” _

 

_ i can’t breathe. “ _ stop _ breathing.” _

 

it’s not a dream.

 

_ fingers around my throat- _

 

_ i can’t breathe- _

 

_ please- _

  
  


“jeongin!” 

jeongin jolts up, wheezing, his own fingers around his throat and squeezing painfully. chris’ hands are trying to pry them off, and finally the both pairs jerk towards his body and away from jeongin. “ **_oh my god_ ** _! _ are you okay???”

 

jeongin chokes in response, pushing past chris and stumbling into his bathroom. he makes it to the toilet in time to throw up, though his stomach is empty. he pants as the older appears in the doorway, rushing over and combing his hair back. jeongin remains leaned over the toilet long after he’s done, and finally chris picks him up and sets him on the edge of the bathtub. he kneels down in front of him.

 

“okay. you’re okay. it’s okay, don’t cry,” he says soothingly, wiping a tear falling down the other’s cheekbone that jeongin didn’t even know he had shed. “what was that? what happened?”

 

“you still love me, even though i’m irritating, right, hyung?” jeongin whispers, hunching in his shoulders even further in at his own words. “i know i’m a hassle, and you could just- just leave me and i’d understand, and, and  _ i- i’m sorry _ -”

 

“baby, no.” chris sounds heartbroken. “of course i love you. you’re not a hassle, and i’m  _ not _ gonna leave you. don’t apologize.” he pulls the boy into a hug, and then continues hesitantly, “is that- is that what you dreamt about? that and…” he pulls back and glances at jeongin’s throat. the latter just nods gently, and chris takes a deep breath.

 

“okay,” he breathes. “okay,” he says again, much surer this time. “are you hungry? i mean, you just  **_yacked_ ** , but-” the thing about chris, jeongin decides as he giggles quietly, is that he always knows how to cheer him up.

 

“we can make food, if that’s what you’re suggesting,” jeongin teases in a hoarse voice. “i’m just not gonna eat any.”

 

“understandable.” and then he helps jeongin up and they go to the kitchen.

 

they’re in the middle of making french toast when something occurs to jeongin.

 

“what do i even  _ do  _ about hyunjin?” he asks, waiting for the slice of bread in front of him to cook all the way through.

 

“what do you  _ want  _ to do?” chris counters, nudging jeongin with his hip. jeongin sighs, considering it.

 

“i  _ want  _ to reverse time and take it back, but-” he takes a deep breath. “i guess i just need to distance myself a little bit? so that i can- so that i can get over him. because i  _ really  _ love him, chan-hyung. i hate it, i really do. it’s-” he refrains from repeating the words from his dream. “it’s not okay. we’re best friends, you know? and i value  _ that  _ over my feelings for him, but he’s so  _ touchy _ and  _ flirty _ and  _ affectionate _ , and i can’t- there’s no way i can move past everything without taking a little space. i just… feel kinda bad, cuz it’s selfish-”

 

“innie,” chris says seriously, silent up to this point. he flips all of the slices on the griddle and then turns his full attention on jeongin.. “it’s not selfish. it’s called taking consideration of yourself for once. it’s  _ healthy _ . i’m sure he’ll understand.”

 

“okay, if you say so.” jeongin sniffs. “i’m also worried about the other hyungs and him.”

 

“ahhhhh.” chris nods as if he’s finally cracked the code (if standing quietly and letting silence eat your companion alive until they feel compelled to break it and say something is “cracking the code”). “yes, they’re just very overprotective. i was a little surprised when they turned on him, but we all love you very much. although,” he adds, scratching his jaw. “it seemed this morning that everything’s back to normal- they finally listened to my warning for once.”

 

“ _ pft _ , that’s because you’re kinda scary when you go all ‘dad mode’.”

 

“huh? dad mode? what does  _ that _ mean?”

 

“you’re dumber than felix sometimes-”

 

“hey! don’t talk about your br- friend like that!”

 

“ _ BROTHER? PFFFFTTTT-” _

 

they go back and forth like this over pancakes and eventually over the table, and they don’t pick up their phones (save to let the group chat know that no, they’re not dead and  _ yes, you’re still invited over _ ). chris’ phone starts screaming a song (“party” by a college friend of his who made it big- bambam, or something??), and he swipes right to answer, putting it on speakerphone. 

 

“ **_aye felix, what’s up?_ ** ”

 

“ **_i wanted to call to make sure the baby isn’t asleep? we were gonna knock, but then woojinnie said to call._ ** ”

 

“what about a baby?” jeongin asks, narrowing his eyes because he has a feeling they’re talking about him.

 

“ _ innie! we weren’t sure if you were asleep.” _

 

“i’m not.”

 

“ **_right then_ ** _ , come open the door!” _

 

chris rolls his eyes and hangs up, but sends jeongin a smile. “wanna wait in the living room? they’re all very curious about some things.”

 

jeongin shivers. “ew, don’t say it like that hyung.” the older laughs and goes to open the door. jeongin settles onto the rug, facing the couch- far enough away from it that his back is brushing the tv stand. there’s racket at the door, and everyone eventually files in, talking loudly like usual. it’s only when jisung sees the bandage on jeongin’s face and the purple (now turning even darker- his morning escapades seemed to worsen the bruises) lining his neck that the former’s laugh cuts off. 

 

“innie…” he says hesitantly, and there’s an underlying fear in his voice that makes the younger want to vanish into thin air. instead, jeongin says, “sit down, hyung. i’ll explain.” 

 

the others react similarly as they enter the room and sit down. felix’s fingers are wrapped so tightly around changbin’s bicep on the floor in front of the couch that the skin is turning white, and jisung opts for plopping next to jeongin instead of where minho sits next to seungmin. chris and woojin come in together, settling on the couch, and they’re followed closely by hyunjin. jeongin avoids looking at him- the other sits next to woojin and stares at the ground in silence.

 

“so,” changbin breaks the silence. “what happened?” felix glares at him and woojin looks  _ this  _ close to smacking him in the back of the head, but chris puts his hand on the other’s knee and nods to jeongin, who’s watching him for confirmation. 

  
“um,” he starts nervously, unconsciously brushing the bruises with his fingertips. “so, um, chan-hyung went to drop me off on saturday, and their- my  _ parent’s _ car was in the driveway. i, um, i said that it wouldn’t be bad, and that i could, y’know, do it alone. which. obviously didn’t work out.” he takes a deep breath. “we were eating dinner. that’s- it was normal, super awkward for me but whatever. um, then my mom…” his eyes find jisung. everyone notices, and now jisung looks doubly worried.

 

“she asked me if i knew that jisung-hyung- ‘the han’s son’- is gay. and i said yeah, and for some reason i asked _ why _ , which was  _ so  _ stupid, but- but anyways, she asked if we were friends. i said yes, and then my dad,” he exhales shakily. “my dad said, ‘you shouldn’t be friends with someone like that, that sort of- of  _ disease _ can rub off.’” jisung flinches hard, and minho stands up and relocates next to him, lacing their fingers together with ease. “and then… jisung-hyung, please don’t blame this on yourself. i know you, and i know you  _ will _ , so please don’t.” the other opens his mouth to ask why, but the pleading look in jeongin’s eyes is enough to make him close it and nod.

 

“i told them that it wasn’t a disease. that there’s nothing wrong with it. that you’re not some  _ sick _ person.” jisung smiles weakly in thanks, but there are tears in his eyes. he reaches out and squeezes jeongin’s hand in thanks before leaning into minho for support-  _ his _ parents had said something similar to him when he first came out, though they had recently changed their minds when they realized they were losing their son.

 

“and my mom said- she said…” he swallows hard. “‘you’re talking like you’re a- a  _ faggot _ t-too.’” every single person in the room stops breathing. jeongin can feel hyunjin’s eyes burning into him now, but the he just stares at the rug and picks at loose threads. 

 

“innie-” woojin starts, but jeongin cuts him off.

 

“’s okay,” he mumbles, blinking and watching a couple of tears hit the ground.  “and i was- i was so mad that sh-she called sungie-hyung that, and i got too bold and impulsive. it’s- it was dumb. i stood up and then i said… i said, ‘i am’. and that’s when things, um, they got b-bad, um,” he tries to stop the sob rising up in him and hates that he’s trembling. “my mom, she uh, she’d had a lot to drink, and she stood up and started- um, started, choking? choking me, um.” he can’t look at them- he can barely tell that they’re in the room. “she said, i’m- i’m disgusting, said not to call her mom, t-that i’m not- i’m not her son. and then she threw a plate at me.” he tries to laugh. it comes out much too pathetic for his taste. “she missed- hooray,” he continues weakly. “and then hyunjin-hyung appeared, and he took me home and patched me up, and here we are.” finally, he glances up, still trying in vain not to cry- and his breath catches in his throat.

 

felix is the first person his eyes find. there are tears running down his cheeks one after the other, and he looks  _ so angry-  _ the expression on his face is foreign. changbin’s hands are clenched so tightly that the skin around his knuckles looks like it’s gonna split. woojin is shaking too, except he looks exceptionally pissed. and  _ chris- _

 

he looks murderous, and not in the way that he’s just angry- he looks like he might actually hunt down jeongin’s parents and rip them apart- face blank but eyes bright with fury. seungmin looks similar, and minho has jisung- who’s quietly crying- curled into his chest. his eyes are on jeongin and filled with something that looks like he wants to hold him for the rest of his life and never let him go. hyunjin is the last one jeongin looks at, and he almost regrets it.

 

hyunjin’s body is shaking with a couple of silent sobs, his hands over his face tightly. but as if he senses jeongin’s gaze, he looks up; his eyes are red and filled with pain and something that jeongin can’t even place. and then suddenly, he’s rising from his spot and coming over and holding jeongin so tightly that he can’t breathe. it triggers everyone else to do the same, and soon jeongin can’t even see any light. a dam breaks, and he’s crying again- softer than the night before- and it feels like relief. some of the others are crying too, but it’s more of a family than anything jeongin’s ever had.

 

later, when it’s dark out and they’ve ordered food, all nine of them are gathered on the three-seater couch with jeongin in the middle. they’re watching some movie on netflix, and it’s the warmest he’s ever been.

 

_ you didn’t tell them about the money situation _ , a voice chides in his head- it sounds vaguely like minho.  _ i’m keeping that way. i’ll tell them… eventually. _ he falls asleep trying to forget about it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, there she is, a new chapter.  
> also, im writing a a minsung fic thats super full of drama,, but idk if i should post it now or later, so oof  
> please leave kudos and comments if you liked this! they're appreciated<3!


	9. new friends, old feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smile.exe- seungmin  
> frickysick- felix  
> beanie- changbin  
> laugh.exe- hyunjin  
> geetgeetra- jisung  
> HUG- woojin  
> stud- chan  
> the best boy- jeongin  
> dancydoo- minho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's mention of minor injuries from a car crash- minor character tho,,,

everyone leaves early the next morning, making jeongin promise to text the group chat. chris insisted that jeongin stay home at least one more day, so he sits at the counter with a cup of coffee, staring down at his phone with a smile on his face.

 

**yeetus thy fetus**

 

**7:12 AM**

 

**smile.exe:** hey so who the fuck let felix change the gc name/ nicknames

 

**frickysick:** myself

 

**beanie:** i-

 

**laugh.exe:** hey ur the moderator the blame falls on you

 

**smile.exe:** well shit

 

**geetgeetra:** felix i sweeeaaaaR TO GOD MAN

 

**stud:** what in the fresh fuck

 

**frickysick:** hey daddio

 

**geetgeetra:** fuck no baaaaaby

 

**HUG:** Hey, I have some questions.

 

**frickysick:** ask away hyunh

 

**HUG:** Okay, first of all aren’t you all at school?

 

**laugh.exe:** thank u, next

 

**HUG:** Secondly, Felix, why?

 

**frickysick:** i don’t see you complaining tho

 

**HUG:** Okay true

**HUG:** Thirdly, where is Minho?

 

**geetgeetra:** i was wondering te smae thing

 

**HUG:** Wow Jisung, glad I raised you to be so skilled in typing.

**HUG:** Also why, WHY is Chan ‘stud’

 

**frickysick:** have you not seen the video going around of him flashing his abs @ the underground performance

**frickysick:** that shits viral at our school rn

 

**stud:** uh

**stud:** but uh

**stud:** at your HiGH SCHOLO?

 

**frickysick:** yuh everyones asking about ‘my friend with the chocolate bar body’ lolol

 

**HUG:** It’s what he deserves. 

 

**stud:** HWAT

 

**geetgeetra:** AJBHKFBJNLSKM:FAMV

 

**frickysick:** agljs;kape;S”LAFKfp

 

**laugh.exe:** AESGFDHJGKLK

 

**smile.exe:** ADJFHAODUHAOAH

 

**beanie:** lmaoooooo

 

**thebestboy:** ajfsnolgjsd

 

**dancydoo:** innie!

 

**thebestboy:** hi

**geetgeetra:** baby!

**geetgeetra:** innie!

 

**dancydoo:** sorry i was takin dori to the vet

 

**thebestboy:** im gonna go take a nap

**thebestboy:** ttyl

 

**frickysick:** bye beeb!

  
  


jeongin giggles. frickysick?  _ beeb _ ? he almost wishes that changbin isn’t in love with felix, and that he himself is.

 

_ but he’s not your type,  _ something in him whispers.  _ you like tall, dark haired boys who play with your heartstrings unknowingly. you might even be a morosexual- _

 

_ shut up!! _ he thinks back, rubbing at his neck and scanning through his turtlenecks. maybe he should go on a walk? he slides a black one on, and puts his coat over that.

 

he’s never stayed home from school like this before- mostly out of fear of his parents finding out, but  _ also  _ because he was determined to make good grades. he does make good grades, so maybe missing a day won’t kill him.

 

then he realizes that it’s the first year his parents aren’t gonna be home for christmas. it makes him veto his walk and sit on the edge of his bed, imagining waking up to an empty house on  _ christmas.  _ he has an existential crisis, sitting there for god knows how long. hell, it’s already december, and his house is the barren that it gets during the summer. during october, he decorates it with ‘spooky’ items, like really cheap gauzy spider webs. now that christmas is… three weeks away? and his house still looks sad, he decides that it’s time to get the decorations out.

 

so he does.

 

four hours later, jeongin falls backwards on his couch and surveys the inside of his home. garland is wrapped around the countertop and tv stand, and there’s mistletoe hanging over the hallway towards the door (soley there for changlix, woochan, and minsung). he sprinkled fake snow on the rug, knowing that would be easiest to clean. there’s a plushie of santa sitting on the mantle, and he hung small snowmen lights (and he means small- they’re about as big as a junction of his finger). the box full of christmas supplies lies mostly empty, except for the lights that are supposed to wrap around his roof. he considers it.  _ i might be too small to do that without facing certain death, but-  _ but he always used to ask for help from hyunjin.

 

_ i can do it myself, _ he thinks stubbornly, hefting the lights over his shoulders (wincing when they brush his neck- but no one needs to know) and walking out the front door. it’s not overcast anymore, but there’s still a biting wind that settles under his coat and long sleeved turtleneck. he tries to ignore the cold metal of the ladder digging into his skin as he props it against one end of his roof.

 

he starts to get the hang of putting the lights up, crawling along the edge of the roof with a barely any hesitance (he had forgoed the ladder, seeing as it was ‘too much of a hassle’).

 

he manages to hook the next string of lights, making it halfway to the other end, when movement catches his eye. he turns to look at it.

 

on his side of the street walks a boy a year older than him (he recognizes him from school), and on the other his friends. they haven’t noticed him up here yet, but the boy has. he stops walking, eyes widening. jeongin waves shyly.

 

“hey! that looks really dangerous!” the boy calls, dropping his backpack and walking through the yard after a tentative look at jeongin.

 

“nah, it’s not too- woah, it’s kinda high up here.” he looks down for the first time, and regrets it greatly. he’s leaning head-first over the side of the roof, rather precariously, with his only support being the string of christmas lights wrapped around his hand.

 

“are you okay? what happened to your cheek?” the boy is closer now, and he’s admittedly pretty cute. he grabs the ladder and moves it down to jeongin, who by now has shimmied away from the edge.

 

“nothing, i’m okay.” jaemin nods, tone staying light.

 

“do you need help down?” 

 

the younger boy wants to say no, but his heart has started to thud at the prospect of climbing down the wobbly ladder alone.

 

“if you wouldn’t mind,” he says unsurely. the boy beams at him- a very pretty smile, jeongin might add. 

 

“no, of course not; i offered, after all. i’m jaemin! i’m a senior at your high school. you’re in the same grade as chenle, right?” jeongin definitely knows chenle- he has screaming matches with him in choir sometimes. 

 

“yeah, my name’s jeongin. sorry we’re meeting like this!”

 

“ah, why is that? i get to be a hero, this is perfect. just another day in the life of na jaemin.” jeongin laughs shakily, and crawls towards the ladder.

 

“okay, i’ll hold the bottom of the ladder.”

 

“what if-”

 

“if you fall, i’ll catch you! don’t worry, i told you- i’m a hero.” jeongin doesn’t have to turn around to hear the grin in jaemin’s voice. it makes him feel safer. 

 

he makes it a third of the way down when there’s a shout from somewhere near. 

 

“yang jeongin, what are you  _ doing!? _ ”

 

it startles him so much that his foot misses the next rung of the ladder and he’s falling backwards, hands reaching in vain for the handles. he falls for what feels like a blink of an eye, and then he hits a solid, warm chest. arms wrap around him surely, and he exhales in relief.

 

“i told you i would catch you,” jaemin giggles, a little winded. jeongin turns around in his arms. they’re a lot closer than he would have expected.

 

“oh- thank you jaemin-ssi!” he squeaks.

 

“thank you for trusting me, jeongin. call me nana-hyung!!” he counters, smiling widely down at the other.

 

“okay, nana-hyung. call me innie, if you- if you want.” 

 

“of course, innie,” jaemin pats jeongin’s head, and then turns around to the fast approaching footsteps. it’s hyunjin, with felix, jisung, and seungmin in tow (the last of which is smacking his forehead at hyunjin’s stupidity for yelling).

 

“yah, what were you thinking!?” jaemin snaps, one arm still curled around jeongin protectively. “you could’ve gotten him killed!”

 

“i’m- wait, who even  _ are  _ you?” hyunjin sneers at jaemin, head tilting. he looks angry at the latter, his eyes glancing at jeongin and the arm around him.

 

“the name’s na jaemin. i wish i could say it’s nice to meet  _ you _ , hwang hyunjin.” the mentioned boy steps forwards, glare intensifying, but then felix steps up as well and yeets him back. 

 

“i’m sorry,” the freckled boy says, flushed but sincere. “he’s a fucking idiot. my name’s lee felix, and this-” he taps at jisung’s arm, who has been hovering next to felix. “is han jisung.”

 

“ah, some of the resident sunshines!” jaemin exclaims, instantly brightening. “you’re friends with lee jeno and lee donghyuck, right?” the others nod cheerfully. seungmin comes forward, too.

 

“hey, i’m kim seungmin. you’re friends with renjun, huh?” jaemin smirks at his words.

 

“ah, something like that,” he says mysteriously, before hugging jeongin closer. “this one’s your maknae, right? he’s so  _ cute,  _ look at you,” he cooes, squishing jeongin’s cheeks. jeongin giggles, cheeks coloring.

 

“not you, too, ew,” he pretends to complain. jaemin pouts. felix and jisung laugh, and seungmin smiles at the scene. hyunjin’s face is a slate, but his eyes are sharp.  _ what’s your problem? _ jeongin thinks.  _ why are you acting like no one can touch me? _

 

“okay, well, i’ve gotta blast. nice meeting y’all. see you on monday, innie!” he winks at jeongin, and jeongin smiles back.

 

“bye, nana-hyung!”

 

as soon as he’s gone, hyunjin makes to come toward jeongin, but seungmin intercepts him and pushes in front. “he’s cute, innie.”

 

“yeah, he is,” jeongin agrees, picking up his lights. “but now i have no one to help me hang these.”

 

“i’ll help,” seungmin replies quickly, and jeongin tries to ignore the sinking in his heart that hyunjin  _ doesn’t _ . the other’s eyes just continue to burn into him, and he can’t even muster the strength to look back. instead, he focuses on seungmin.

 

“okay.”

 

so ten minutes later, everyone else has gone home, and seungmin is helping jeongin hang his lights. the silence seems to carry on, but it’s not  _ uncomfortable _ , per say. it’s more introspective than anything. finally, seungmin collects his thoughts.

 

“so, jaemin?”

 

jeongin sputters, narrowly avoiding tipping seungmin off of the ladder.

 

“no! i mean, he’s cute, but i don’t- i’m not really interested in him like that. i don’t know, i just- ugh. i feel like i have to be close to someone to feel that way. his smile is so bright, but it doesn’t- it can’t make my heart accelerate, if that makes sense. which is sort of disappointing, because i just wanna  _ move on _ .”

 

“what even  _ happened _ between you two? if you don’t mind me asking?” seungmin asks, looking down at jeongin. the younger sighs.

 

“no, it’s fine.” he thinks about it. “basically, he was doing some- some things that were kinda, uh,  _ not straight _ , but he was being… platonic? and i was tired and emotional, so i accidentally just said ‘i’m completely in love with you’, and-”

 

“you  _ what _ ?”

 

“i know! it was an accident! but-”

 

“how did he react, though? he didn’t freak out, did he?”

 

“he-”

 

“oh my god, if he flipped-”

 

“will you let me finish!” jeongin says exasperatedly. seungmin smiles sheepishly and nods. “ _ thank  _ you! anyways, he sort of did freak out. he just told me he’s straight, that we’re best friends, and that i can’t. so there’s that.”

 

his friend looks mildly shocked. “and he hasn’t, like, talked to you at all?”

 

“no. i hate it, because we used to text everyday, and besides hugging me last night, he hasn’t said a word to me.”

 

“innie…” seungmin trails off.

 

“it’s all my fault, hyung,” he says softly. “i think i just lost my best friend.”

 

“innie- he values your friendship more than that.”

 

“does he?” jeongin asks, looking straight at the other. “because it sure doesn’t feel like it. i’m gonna give him time, of course. fuck,  _ i  _ need time too, you know, to try and get over him. i just thought… i thought it would be harder to distance ourselves.” seungmin climbs down (a little too fast for such a rickety ladder, but some things are more important than not breaking your neck) and sits on the rung in front of jeongin.

 

“it’s gonna be okay,” he says softly, but he sounds a little unsure to jeongin.

 

“well, the christmas lights are up, hyung.” jeongin changes the subject, sensing the fact that he might win an argument he doesn’t want to. “guess it’s time for you to go home.”

 

“are you sure?”

 

“yeah. g’night, hyung.” and then he’s going inside. he turns and waves at seungmin. when he looks back into his house, he feels a foreboding shiver climb his spine. this isn’t  _ home _ . his  _ home _ doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. he’ll have to move, eventually. he just… doesn’t know when.

 

he climbs on top of his counter, swiping through his phone.

 

**stray kids**

 

**7:15 PM**

 

**chris:** wow we brought back the ancient name huh

 

**felix:** our actual names 2?

 

**minho:** this is weird.

 

**woojin:** okay how did this happen

 

**seungmin:** literally no clue, even as the moderator

 

**hyunjin:** i dont like this

 

**jisung:** this feels wrong??? like a bad sign???

 

**changbin:** i have something to tell everyone.

 

**chan:** what is it?

 

**felix:** woah baby whats wrong??

 

**changbin:** my mom is in the hospital

 

**woojin:** oh my god, is she okay?

 

**changbin:** she was in a car accident i dont knw im wiht her riht now touhhg

 

**felix:** im on my way

 

**chan:** me too

 

**seungmin:** count hyunjin and i in

 

**woojin:** chris and i too

 

**minho:** sung and i are catching a ride with them rn^

  
  


**private chat with binnie**

 

**7:20**

 

**innie:** hey binnie hyung i cant come

**innie:** but ill wish with everythign i have that shes okay

**innie:** im so sorry

 

**binnie:** its ok

**binnie:** thanky ou

 

**innie:** <3

 

frankly, jeongin feels like shit.

 

he hates that he’s been so wrapped up in his own life that he wasn’t prepared for anything like this. he hates that he can’t help changbin. he hates the empty feeling in his stomach coming back, even though  _ changbin  _ is the one suffering right now. even though  _ changbin  _ is the one with someone  _ actually  _ hurt.

 

_ god, i’m so fucking selfish _ , jeongin thinks, curling in on himself. he refuses to cry, though, because  _ that would just put the cherry on top of my self absorbed-ness. _ instead, he slides off the counter and walks over to the living room window. he gets down on both knees and presses his hands together, closing his eyes.

 

“please,” he murmurs. “please let changbin-hyung’s mom be okay.  _ please _ . make life hell for me, just… don’t make my friends suffer. it’s the last thing they deserve.  _ please  _ help his mom. i know that- that i haven’t exactly shown that i believe in you, but i  _ need  _ his mom to be okay, so please.” he opens his eyes, staring at the stars for what feels like minutes, but hours pass by quickly. 

 

he blinks back to life at 4:30 in the morning. he didn’t  _ sleep _ , exactly, but he  _ did  _ completely dissociate. he checks his phone for updates and nearly cries with relief.

 

**private chat with binnie**

 

**2:29 AM**

 

**binnie:** hey i wouldve told the gc but everyones here except uoy

**binnie:** but shes okau

**binnie:** she broke a wrist and some ribs and has a light concussion, but shes okauy

 

**4:41 AM**

 

**innie:** oh thank god

**innie:** im so glad to hear

 

**binnie:** why are you still awake?

 

**innie:** ah just wke up haha

 

it’s not a  _ complete  _ lie.

 

_ yes it is. he’s referring to waking up from sleep, which you did not do-  _ jeongin tells himself to shut up.

 

**private chat with binnie**

 

**4:43 AM**

 

**binnie:** u sure?

**binnie:** chan is next to me and he seems to disagree

 

**innie:** im sure hyungs:)

 

jeongin stares at his fingers.  _ money _ , he thinks.  _ think about how next week you won’t even be able to afford food. think about how for christmas you’re going to eat a pack of ramen and an apple, and you’re going to gift your friends your fucked over state of mind. _

 

_ no. _

 

jeongin makes the decision there and then that he’s going to get a job as soon as possible. he begins to create his resume with the knowledge that sleep will not come, so he should make the most of his time.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is shit and im sorry, but here she is!  
> im writing other shit (pirate!chan, anyone(; ) so maybe (maybe) look forward to that  
> kudos and comments are appreciated!<3  
> also NANA IS HERE!!


	10. new friends, old feelings pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all, any of my returning readers- the original amount of won his parents are providing as gone down to 25, so just thought i should include that:))  
> TW-- hefty sad boi thoughts, but that's a given

the next day, jeongin is tired but smug, because his resume is completely perfected, and he already sent emails to three different places for an interview. he’s already showered, in his uniform, and has his backpack hoisted over his shoulders. he’s wearing a turtleneck underneath the jacket, but since it’s winter, he knows no one will question it. everyone in the groupchat is buzzing, and when jeongin steps out the door, jisung is already there with his fist raised to knock.

 

“hey, innie,” he says with a bright smile, but then all at once it fades a little.

 

“hey, jisung-hyung. what’s wrong?”

 

“did you not sleep last night? or for the past week?” jisung’s hands comes up to his face and thumb under his eyes with concern.  _ shit,  _ jeongin thinks,  _ i forgot concealer! _

 

“ah, i was super worried about changbin-hyung’s mom, so i didn’t sleep well.”

 

“did you not sleep after he texted you, either?”  _ fuck _ .

 

“i uh- hey, there’s the other hyungs! we better hurry to the coffee shop before we’re late,” jeongin tries, motioning to seungmin and hyunjin. felix is presumably with changbin, and they all expect for him to not be at school that day. jisung narrows his eyes, but allows the tangent. the two walk to where the others are waiting.

  
  


the walk to the café is always about half an hour, but they all enjoy it by laughing and making a general ruckus on their way. today is no exception. seungmin has been all over jeongin- for reasons unknown to him- but he’s not complaining. he revels in it, because although it’s not hyunjin anymore, it’s still one of his best friends, so he’ll definitely take it. the three older boys talk amongst themselves, and jeongin lets out a laugh every now and again.  _ it’s a good day. nothing has really changed,  _ he attempts to convince himself; but the steady gaze on his back always proves to him otherwise. why hyunjin is watching him without even a hello is unnerving and frankly just outright confusing-  _ why can’t he talk to me, yet he keeps staring at me like he wants to say something? _

 

then it hits jeongin. maybe hyunjin is being cautious, making sure that jeongin doesn’t get too close or, god forbid, act too  _ gay  _ towards him. maybe he’s worried for seungmin, too. maybe he thinks that jeongin is some kind of gay boy that’s gonna come after all of his friends and force himself on them. 

 

_ what if he thinks that i was trying to force myself on  _ him _?  _ jeongin feels his stomach freeze, like he’s swallowed a block of ice as big as his head. his grip unknowingly tightens on seungmin's hand.

 

“hey jeongin,” seungmin says, squeezing the younger’s hand back. “have you been getting enough sleep?”  _ again _ . is jeongin so selfish that he’s just bothering his hyungs with himself?

 

“yes!” he grins, nodding his head enthusiastically. “i was just worried last night, so i didn’t sleep as much.”

 

“i would say that you’re carrying the exhaustion of more than one night of sleeplessness, innie.” jisung’s face is no longer bright and ringing with laughter- now it’s serious. he looks a lot like his older brother younghyun in the moment. jeongin glances at hyunjin, and unsurprisingly, the other is looking right back. jeongin turns forward again.

 

“ah, well, for the past, uh, i dunno, four weeks? i’ve been kinda down,” he begins, and then says pointedly when seungmin’s face shifts slightly, “it doesn’t have to do with anyone. it’s just me.” jisung’s eyes dart between him and seungmin, and then at hyunjin.

 

“can someone please tell me what’s going on?” his voice is quiet, timid, so very  _ not  _ jisung that jeongin flinches.  _ he  _ did this.  _ he  _ ruined everything.

 

_ you disgusting excuse of a boy _ .

 

“um, it’s dumb,” jeongin laughs self deprecatingly. “ask minho-hyung to tell you. don’t worry about it though, it’s not that deep.”  _ it is that deep. it hurts so fucking bad _ . jisung blinks (something he  _ certainly _ got from minho) and then starts typing rapidly on his phone. the group is plunged into silence.  _ i wish felix-hyung was here _ .

 

when they get to the café, the older boys are watching them worriedly. chan scoots over in his side of the booth, and jeongin climbs in next to him. his mind is sluggish yet racing with hatred for himself.

 

_ don’t ever call me that _ . he can hear all of them say it.  _ i’m not your friend. we’re not your friends, you’re disgusting. _

 

_ they would never say that _ , he tells himself desperately. 

 

_ it’s what you deserve _ , his mother hisses in his head.  _ stop breathing.  _ he can feel phantom fingers press into his throat, and he wraps his arms around himself.  _ you should leave. you shouldn’t waste their time and space. you don’t deserve them. you don’t deserve anything. kill your- _

 

“hey, jeongin.” chan’s face is right in front of his, one hand brushing against his still-irritated cheek. “innie, are you alright?”

 

“yeah, hyung, i’m fine,” he says, his voice barely more than a whisper. chan puts an arm around his shoulder and pulls him almost onto his lap. 

 

whatever he had outwardly shown, the others hadn’t noticed, and jeongin thanks his lucky stars they didn’t. everyone keeps talking, chan included.

 

unbeknownst to jeongin, hyunjin had watched as he crumbled into himself. he had even started to get out of the other side of the booth to make sure that jeongin was okay, but chris had beat him to it. 

 

☾

 

the school day comes and goes, and the friends part and then return to each other at lunch. jeongin can already hear the whispers in his head about being a burden as he avoids getting food and walks over to his friend’s table. 

 

however, before he gets there, he’s intercepted by jaemin.

 

“hey innie.” he grins, grabbing jeongin’s shoulders. 

 

“hey nana-hyung,” jeongin replies, somewhat confusedly. “what’s up?”

 

“do you wanna sit with my friends and i today? i think you’ll really love them, and i want you to meet some people!”

 

jeongin considers it. it would allow for some space between him and hyunjin, not to mention the table wouldn’t be as awkward either. he nods. 

 

“lemme go tell my friends i’m gonna sit with you.” jaemin nods and follows behind him. jeongin gets to the table and looks at the three other boys. “hey guys, i’m gonna sit with nana-hyung today.” seungmin nods with a smile. jisung looks up from his phone with a look of understanding-  _ guess he asked minho-hyung.  _ and hyunjin…

 

hyunjin’s eyes are  _ too _ intense for  _ no _ reason. they’re filled with so many things that jeongin can’t even begin to comprehend, so he just stands in front of them, frozen, eyes glued to the table.

 

“okay, well, nice seeing y’all. thanks for letting me steal innie!” jaemin interrupts, noting hyunjin’s weird glare. it’s redirected on him with a thousand times more irritation. he looks like he’s gonna stand up and rip jaemin to shreds. the latter just intertwines his hand with jeongin and leads him away- the younger hears sputtering, but he ignores it.

 

they get to jaemin’s table, and there’s several unfamiliar faces that greet him, as well as some recognizable ones.

 

chenle is leaning over- nearly on  _ top  _ of- a lanky sophomore named jisung, who has become sort of a legend for his dancing. jisung’s thin hand is resting on the other’s waist. jeongin almost sighs in relief- at least he’s not the only gay at the table. after noticing them, his eyes find a tan, gorgeous boy with a fluff of mussed hair and a thin silver chain hanging from his ear. he glances up from his phone and does a double take, eyes locked on jeongin. next to him sit two more boys. they’re holding hands- a small boy with narrow shoulders and a slim, fae-like face watches him with glittering eyes from where he is, and a strong-jawed, handsome boy with dark hair who appears to be attached to the other at the hip has a similar expression on his. he smiles at jeongin, and his eyes curve cutely. his unoccupied hand slides a little away from his side, palm up, as if waiting for someone to snatch it.

 

“alright, let’s introduce ourselves,” the small boy says. “i’m huang renjun, chinese and a senior.” the eye-smile boy next to renjun starts talking as well.

 

“i’m lee jeno, senior and renjun’s boyfriend,” jeno says with a soft voice.

 

“i’m jisung. i’m a sophomore,” jisung continues. “and you already know ch-”

 

“-eNLE!” chenle says loudly, laughing a little. “hey jeonginnie!”

 

“hey, chenle,” jeongin replies shyly, grinning a little.

 

“ah, so  _ cute _ ,” the glowing boy says. “i’m donghyuck, a senior, and i  _ also  _ have a boyfriend thank you very much, but he’s in college. have you ever heard of mark lee?” jeongin’s eyes widen.  _ the  _ mark lee? hyuck grins smugly at his expression. “jaemin, he’s cute. where’d you find him?” 

 

“you know woojin-ssi, doyoung-hyung’s friend? he’s from their crew.” they all nod. “he usually sits with felix and friends, but he’s chilling with us today.”

 

“so, your name is jeongin? and you’re chenle’s age?” jeno asks kindly, motioning for the two to sit down. jaemin slides in next to him, very closely, and jeongin follows suit.

 

“yes, jeno-ssi.”jeongin scratches the back of his neck. “it’s nice to meet all of you.” 

 

“adorable,” renjun remarks. he says it as an observation rather than a compliment, but he’s smiling a little. “call us hyungs, jeongin.”  _ why are they so nice, what the hell? _

 

but then jaemin’s hand lands on jeno’s thigh, and jeongin feels his heart rate speed up. he looks sharply at renjun, who seems to be oblivious to it, eating his lunch calmly. his eyes dart around the table, and finally he meets donghyuck’s eyes.

 

“what’s…” hyuck starts, but then he follows jeongin’s gaze to jaemin and jeno. “ahhh.” which,  _ what _ ? why isn’t he freaking out? he’s watching his friends betray renjun-

 

“it’s okay jeong, they’re all dating.” at this, all three of the boys next to him look up, catching onto the situation.

 

“oh god,” jeno says, flushing. “i- we’re- i wouldn’t-” jeongin feels himself calm down a little, glad to not be the only flustered person a the table.

 

“ _ oh _ , i forgot to mention, renjun and jeno are my boys,” jaemin explains with a kind smile.

 

“is there any problem with that?” jisung speaks up. he sounds like he’s trying to be threatening, but he comes off more as nervous than anything. chenle goes to defend jeongin.

 

“no, he’s not like that,” he protests. “innie is, like, the nicest kid ever.” jeongin feels his cheeks heat up even more.

 

“um, i’m gay- i mean, bi- too, and i think it’s cool that you guys can work out like that. it  _ really  _ doesn’t bother me.” jaemin beams at him. renjun nods like he already knew it (which he probably did), and donghyuck looks pleased.

 

“good. heteros just…” he trails off with a shiver, and jeongin laughs a little and takes a drink of his water, trying to relax.

 

“so innie,” chenle starts. “are you dating hyunjin yet?” jeongin promptly chokes on his water.

 

“ _ yah! _ ” renjun reaches across the table and smacks the back of chenle’s head. jisung and donghyuck are trying not to laugh, and even jeno looks amused. renjun and jaemin look at jeongin with matching expression curiosity churned with concern.

 

“chenle,” jeongin finally manages. “he’s straight.” all at once, everyone quiets down.

 

“ _ oh _ ,” renjun says gently,  _ knowingly _ . like he’s been observing- then again, he has classes with hyunjin.

 

“are you sure?” jaemin asks, his eyes narrowing. “he seems pretty…  _ possessive _ of you.” jeongin plays with his fingers.

 

“he’s just like that.” jeongin sighs, his voice quiet. “he’s made it _very_ _clear_ that he’s straight.”

 

jeongin looks around the table through his eyelashes. all of the other kids at the table are now completely focused on what he had said.

 

“what do you mean he made…” chenle gasps. “that  _ fucker _ , hyung,  _ 我想踢那个丑男孩的膝盖 _ - ” jisung’s arm tightens around his waist, keeping him from jumping up.

 

“we’ll beat him up,” renjun says completely seriously, gesturing to chenle. jaemin nods in agreement.

 

“say the word,” donghyuck adds. he looks very scary to jeongin, like he’s gonna take his plastic spork and drive it through hyunjin’s heart like it’s a wooden stake and hyunjin’s the vampire. jeno takes a deep breath and mutters ‘ _ where’s mark when you need him _ ’ before knocking on the table harshly. jeongin flinches at the noise, and jaemin’s free hand slides into his comfortingly.

 

“look,” jeno begins calmly. “we don’t know the story, and violence is certainly not the answer. let’s hear what jeongin- innie?- has to say.” it works, and everyone deflates a little. jeongin sends him a weak smile.

 

“i just- it’s stupid- i accidentally confessed and he said he’s straight, but not in a mean way, i swear! it was completely warranted, he’s just not talking to me is all.” 

 

“dick move,” donghyuck comments. “you should sit with us until he gets his head out of his ass. i honestly thought y’all were dating, with the way that he acts towards you in class. shit’s wack.” jeongin just swallows the lump in his throat. renjun and jisung both simultaneously change the subject, which jeongin is eternally grateful for.

 

he has one class after lunch with hyunjin -the last class of the day- that’s unavoidable, and it’s calculus. because jeongin had skipped pre-calc, he shares the class with the other, and he really wishes he could go back and change his schedule. his teacher paces the front of the room, waiting (in vain) for someone to ask for help. jeongin sits two rows in front of the other, and jaemin is  _ sort  _ of near him. renjun sits close to hyunjin. jeongin didn't even realize they had this class together, and tries to ignore his surroundings and the lasers being drilled into his back by one hwang hyunjin.

 

“ _ pssst _ , hey, innie,” jaemin says none too quietly. the teacher looks over. “sir, can i sit next to jeongin? i need some help with something and he seems to understand it.” the man rolls his eyes but nods in affirmation anyways, because no one is coming to him for help (ever). jaemin grins and plops down into the seat next to jeongin. “how're you doing?”

 

“i'm doing okay,” jeongin admits. “i actually understand this math, so-”

 

“no, i mean-” jaemin sighs exasperatedly. “in general, not  _ math _ .” he laughs at jeongin’s embarrassed look and pats his head.

 

“i’m kind of, like, confused,” jeongin admits. he lowers his voice. “he keeps staring at me, especially when i’m hanging out with you.” jaemin tilts his head. thinks for a moment.

 

then he smiles like cheshire cat. 

 

“one moment, innie,” he says wryly, pulling out his phone and typing rapidly. he beams when it vibrates in his hands, and he reads something. he turns to jeongin.

 

“looks like we’re gonna have some fun,” he says mischievously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOO boy, dream ensemble has entered the chat  
> aaaand guys guys i'm writing more mINSUNG- it's a phat baseball au,,,,,,  
> N E WAYS this chapter was another doozy  
> pls leave comments and kudos,,, they're appreciated!!!<333


	11. it's raining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gc names:  
> innards: jeongin  
> heattacc: chan  
> bebeebean: changbin  
> heprotecc: woojin  
> hawnie: jisung  
> incarnate: seungmin  
> yert: felix  
> jeanskirt: hyunjin  
> hot: minho

 

jeongin doesn’t have any clue what jaemin means. honestly, he’s not sure he  _ wants  _ to.

 

the rest of the day goes by pretty normally, with the addition of jaemin hanging off of him 24/7. jeongin almost wishes he’s exaggerating, but he does... kind of enjoy the attention. jaemin is nice, and he feels like the older really cares about him in the less than 24 hours they’ve known each other.

 

speaking of jaemin being clingy, they’re walking out the front gate with renjun and jeno in tow holding hands, and not far behind them, the rest of their squad. he’s got himself completely wrapped around jeongin, reminding the younger vaguely of a koala. it makes him think of felix, and he’s briefly sad, until he realizes that-  _ it’s kind of selfish of me to miss him when changbin needs him _ . he shakes off the thought and taps jaemin’s arm. 

 

“hey, renjun-hyung and jeno-hyung aren’t gonna kill me with you being so… um…” he feels his shoulders draw up to his ears, because jeongin isn’t jeongin without being embarrassed by physical affection. jaemin just laughs. 

 

“i asked them.” he shrugs. jeongin opens his mouth to ask why in the world he would do that, but jaemin speaks again. “you’ll see, no need to worry about it now. hey, your phone just went off. might wanna check that.” jeongin narrows his eyes- the older is being completely and utterly suspicious- but opens his phone. his gmail is blinking, so he opens it and reads the message with growing excitement. 

 

_ To Yang Jeongin, _

 

_ Hello. We are pleased to inform you that you have an interview date scheduled for- _

 

he actually screams out loud. jaemin leaps away, eyes wide and hand slapped over his heart.

 

“y-yah, what was that all about! you’re almost as bad as le-le!” he gasps, but there’s a smile returning to his face. renjun, jeno, and donghyuck catch up to them, curious to see what all the fuss is about.

 

“look, you can’t tell  _ anyone _ , but i’ve been offered an interview at the local restaurant and, oh my god, i’m so relieved-”

 

“wait. you’re this far into junior year, and you just now feel the need to get a job? what for?” donghyuck is far too perceptive. him and renjun both.

 

“oh, just want to be able to get, uh, better gifts for all my friends. new ones included.” he shouldn’t have said that. now they’re going to expect gifts, and then he’s not going to have money for food, and then he’s going to have to tell chris, and then chris is going to have to call someone, and then jeongin-

 

“jeonginnie,” renjun says, something not completely unrecognizable in his tone, but it broaches certain topics that jeongin would rather not discuss. “we don’t need gifts, just you hanging out with us is great.” he looks expectantly at the other boys, and they all hastily agree. just then, hyunjin, jisung and seungmin appear over jaemin’s shoulder, rapidly approaching. the aforementioned boy glances back, and upon seeing what jeongin is looking at, re-entangles his long arms around the younger.  _ what the- _

 

“hey guys,” (han) jisung says cheerfully, smiling with a brightness to rival jeno’s. seungmin ambles over, too, smiling nervously.

 

“hey renjun, hey jaemin, um, hi... i’m not sure i know your name?” he looks shy, and it’s not far from the truth- seungmin is an introverted person by nature.

 

“jeno,” jeno replies just as quietly, shaking hands with him. seungmin relaxes a little. 

 

“so, innie! you  _ dare _ to  _ replace _ us?” jisung asks haughtily, in his  _ i’m a tv announcer  _ voice. everyone cracks a smile at that (and chenle laughs from just behind them  _ -loudly _ ).

 

“of course not,” jeongin says (everyone notices the hastiness in which he said it; most of them fail to notice the underlying  _ fear _ ). “never. i just wanted to meet nana-hyung’s friends. they’re  _ super _ cool! nana-hyung is so freakin’ nice for- um, for...”

 

out of nowhere, hyunjin’s head tilts and his tongue pokes through his cheek irritatedly, and it distracts jeongin so much that he trails off. jaemin glares at him, pulling jeongin even closer.

 

“bro, what’s your  _ problem _ ?” donghyuck suddenly snaps, and  _ oh god _ , this is exactly what jeongin was afraid of. donghyuck is so confrontational, and when someone picks a fight with hyunjin, more specifically one about or with his friends, he doesn’t step back.  _ shit shit shit- _

 

“um-” jeongin starts nervously, trying desperately to salvage the situation, but both seungmin and jaemin look at him with eyes that so clearly yell,  _ let him explain himself _ , and he feels so  _ scared _ .

 

“what problem are you referring to?” hyunjin asks smoothly, but his eyes are burning and his face is cold. he takes a step forward. jisung’s face is full of grim certainty, and he slowly creeps next to seungmin and jaemin. they’re standing an equidistance from both offenders, far from between them. jeno and renjun are stuck frozen behind donghyuck, and chenle and jisung aren’t far behind them.

 

“i think you know  _ exactly  _ what he’s referring to,” jaemin replies just as calmly, but his eyes glance pointedly at jeongin. 

 

“i also think you’re an asshole. and that you should  _ seriously  _ back off,” donghyuck adds. hyunjin grits his teeth and steps up so that him and donghyuck are almost chest to chest. despite having to look up at him, the latter seems unbothered. 

 

“it’s none of your  _ goddamned  _ business, so leave it alone.”

 

“ _ ah _ , seriously, this guy! hey, leave  _ jeongin  _ alone by that logic, dickhead. he’s not yours to be jealous for.” hyunjin’s face looks briefly shocked, but then it floods with rage. his hand comes up and fists donghyuck’s shirt in it, so the other pushes him back. 

 

jeongin’s brain is frozen. hyunjin is...  _ jealous _ ??? for what, not getting his attention? he realizes that they’re about to fight for  _ him _ . and he can’t have that. 

 

the taller boy is swiftly making his way back to donghyuck, and jeongin rips away from jaemin. the older makes a panicked noise, but he doesn’t  _ care _ . this is so  _ stupid,  _ and really, shouldn’t hyunjin know that jeongin hates violence?? shouldn’t he  _ know _ -

 

“ _ stop! _ ” it’s the loudest jeongin has ever been (when he’s not messing around), and every single person in the commotion freezes. “what the  _ fuck  _ is wrong with you?” he’s never cursed at them before.

 

hyunjin’s eyes are wide. “j-jeon-”

 

“no- w-what the fuck?” he feels the same rage build up in him that he felt when his mother had called jisung… “what  _ is  _ your problem? what  _ r-right  _ do you have?!” there’s a knot in his throat, but he ignores it. “these hyungs are being better friends than you, and i just met them today! because you’re being an  _ asshole- _ what  _ right  _ do you have to be  _ jealous _ , when  _ you’re _ ignoring  _ me?!  _ we get it, you don’t  _ like _ me or whatever, but what- what right do you fucking have to waltz around and lay a single  _ hand  _ and donghyuck, who you don’t even  _ know _ ?! who you’ve decided to be pissed at for no  _ fucking  _ reason?” he breathes out shakily, and his next words are quieter. “for protecting me?” hyunjin moves towards him, and jeongin flinches, arms unconsciously creeping up to shield him. the other freezes, and he thinks he hears jisung murmur something like  _ oh, innie _ . it makes him feel worse.

 

“please don’t,” he manages softly. “you know how i- how i feel about violence. you of  _ all people _ … i’m gonna go h-home.” he turns and ignores his shaking hands and the waves of anxiety threatening to wash over him. “i’m really sorry. i’ll see you tomorrow.” and then he walks away, not looking back.

 

☾

 

jeongin is home when it starts overwhelming him. he knows the feeling well enough to understand that’s it’s wiping its feet on the doormat of his brain and then opening the door without knocking. he shakes hands with it, and then it promptly punches him in the face.

 

jeongin stumbles back onto the couch with his arms wrapped tight around his middle, giving himself a hug and trying to imagine himself in a better place. his mind palace is swept away with a buzzing feeling, and it feels like jeongin is his phone, vibrating away without any control. during anxiety attacks, he doesn’t ever feel thoughts. only the buzz, the dread, the  _ overwhelming panic _ . 

 

but now?

 

now he can hear his mother whispering in his ear. he can hear hyunjin and his friends let him know that they don’t want him. and jeongin doesn’t want himself, either.

 

_ you shouldn’t even be breathing. you don’t  _ deserve _ it _ . the bruises on his neck throb.

 

he chokes out a sob, and then another, until the buzzing, too, is overcome by the ubiquitous silence chorusing along with his ringing cries. oxygen feels like it’s left the party, like the noise filled up the space well enough without it.

 

he stays like that for a long time. long enough for it to become dark. long enough for his phone’s screen to permanently go black. long enough to tire him out.

 

when he finally feels like his head is returned to his body, he stands up, puts  _ spirited away  _ into the dvd player, gets water, and watches the movie in silence. he plugs his phone in at the beginning of the movie, but that’s it. he doesn’t make to turn it back on.

 

halfway through the movie, there’s a knock at the door. he doesn’t think any of his high school friends ever knock so… maturely, and the college kids are probably too busy to come over. he thinks about his mother, who said she’s not coming over. she wouldn’t have  _ knocked  _ even if she was _ ,  _ though, right?

 

oh  _ god _ , jeongin is gonna get  _ murdered _ .

 

he stays frozen on the couch, and then the knock sounds again. he takes a deep breath and then sprints to the kitchen, pulling out a knife. then he sprints back over to the door, takes  _ another  _ deep breath, puts the blade out in front of him, and whips the door open.

 

it’s a man clad in all black with a cap pulled down over his face, and there’s another dressed similarly behind him. jeongin screams.

 

the men scream right back.

 

_ oh for christ’s sake _ , jeongin realizes, looking closer.  _ it’s fucking minho and jisung. _

 

“what the hell, jeongin?!” jisung squeaks, his hands with an iron grip on minho’s arm. “why do you have a knife?”

 

“i thought you were a murderer!” he says in a similar tone, heart still racing. “i’m so sorry!”

 

“it’s okay innie,” minho assures, and then zones in on his eyes. “were you crying, bebe?” ah, fuck. jeongin just shrugs and turns to go inside.

 

“ah, innie,” jisung says quietly, and he turns. jisung gently envelops the younger in his arms, brushing his bangs off his forehead and tucking his head into his shoulder. minho follows suit, covering his other side, and jeongin feels himself shaking again. he tries not to cry as they pull away slightly, both looking at him softly.

 

“thank you,” he whispers. “i have spirited away on, wanna finish watching it with me?” they both nod, and that’s the end to a rather traumatic day.

 

☾

 

it’s thursday, and jeongin acknowledges his interview with an attempt of enthusiasm, but really, the events of the past week have crashed his mood. he gets ready blasting persona, trying to boost his mindset; it works, sort of. 

 

he walks out his door and meets up with the other kids- and,to his surprise, felix is with them. said boy immediately envelops him in a hug. 

 

“are you okay?” he whispers quietly, sincerely. he looks concerned, but he’s not overbearing, which is a huge relief. 

 

“yeah, now that you’re here,” jeongin admits, smiling softly. felix grins back and ruffles his hair, entangling his fingers with the younger.

 

they get to the café completely uneventfully, and jeongin hasn’t so much as breathed in hyunjin’s direction. he doesn’t know if he can say the other is reacting the same. seungmin and felix are caught in a fickle argument, and jisung is adding his own input (a lot- he’s jisung, after all). even jeongin starts laughing, and he thinks maybe yesterday needed to happen. he feels like he got something off his shoulders. he also probably permanently lost his best friend, but he’s doing a good job of ignoring that bit. they sit down and minho jumps into the conversation noisily. changbin is still reserved, and the dark circles under his eyes almost rival chan and jeongin’s, but he’s smiling softly, and the youngest counts it as a win. 

 

“hey innie,” chan says brightly, ruffling is son-  _ ahem _ , friend’s hair, identical to felix. “how are you feeling this fine morning?”

 

“it’s too early for happiness,” jeongin grumbles, but he’s smiling. “i’m okay.”

 

maybe he is.

 

school goes by, and jaemin has cemented his presence in jeongin’s life in their shared classes. the teachers, jeongin realizes, have been keeping an eye on jeongin, and all quickly agree for jaemin (and chenle in choir) to sit next to him. one of the teachers comes up to jeongin.

 

“hey, jeongin,” miss kim says quietly, her eyes genuine. “can we talk outside for a moment?”

 

_ huh _ ?

 

“yeah, um, sure. am i in trouble?”

 

“oh, no, no! i just want to talk to you for a sec.”

 

they go into the hallway and jeongin squirms uncomfortably. he looks up to see miss kim watching him with fondness.

 

“i just wanted to ask how everything is at home.” jeongin chokes on his spit, and after a pause, she continues. “you’ve been looking worse for wear and i’m worried about you.” he makes sure his turtleneck is up all the way. the cut on his cheek is still exposed, but everyone seemed to buy his story that he tripped. 

 

“it’s been okay,” he mumbles, unsure of what to say. 

 

“i want to let you know that you can tell me anything, okay?” she smiles gently and opens the door to the classroom as he nods. 

 

jeongin goes back to his seat and just sits there staring at his hands. does he look that bad?

 

_ first, my friends, and n0w my teachers? _ he blinks, trying to stop from dissociating, but- 

 

“innie,” jaemin sats softly, pressing a careful hand on his back. he flinches hard, shoulders climbing to his ears, before forcing himself to relax.  _ freak _ . “you okay?” 

 

“yeah, i’m good,” jeongin tugs on his ear. “just, uh, she was wondering how my life at home was.”  _ why did i say that oh god- _

 

“and... how is life at home?” jaemin asks hesitantly, watching jeongin’s face. it screws up a little and he stares at his lap. 

 

“it’s- um, it’s- it’s fine.” jaemin nods, but there’s suspicion lingering in his eyes. they both turn to their schoolwork regardless. 

 

later, as the bell rings, jeongin hits the group chat up about the weird encounter.

  
  


**dummy thicc**

 

**10:45 AM**

 

**innards:** okay firstly why am i named after intestines

**innards:** secondly, miss kim came up to me and asked me jow i was lol

 

**heattacc:** hey felix AND sung nmed us this week so

**heattacc:** also that’s odd

 

**bebeebean:** damn it felix

**bebeebean:** but whatd she say?

 

**innards:** not much but theyve been lettin me sit w nana so

 

**heprotecc:** Nana?

 

**hawnie:** na jaemin

 

**incarnate:** doyoung’s faux son’s bf

**incarnate:** one of them anyway

 

**hot:** wh

**hot:** why am i just hot

 

**hawnie:** obv bc u are 

 

**yert:** i mean it makes sense

 

**jeanskirt:** i see it

 

**heprotecc:** Ahhhh I love Doyoung!

 

**hot:** he’s a queen, 10/10 has the same energy

 

**innards:** n e ways

**innards:** the teachrs r all beng nice so thats smthn

 

**yert:** beng

 

**hawnie:** beng

 

**incarnate:** beng

 

**innards:** OKAY WE EGT IT

 

**heattacc:** be nice to my son 

 

**heprotecc:** Our son, Baby:)

 

**heattacc:** LNKFADOGLKNOSHLJ KEGPHR:KMSTDF:KGLB”S

 

**bebeebean:** wooj you broke him

 

jeongin tucks his phone away with a little smile and makes his way to calculus, jaemin trotting beside him. he links arms with the younger, who’s smile grows a bit wider. his thoughts, for once, are semi-quiet, though he can feel them lurking under his skin. his backpack is heavy with the slacks and dress shoes for his interview. 

 

calculus goes by normally, but when jeongin glances back to renjun when he calls jeongin’s name. it’s almost in slow motion as he turns around, only to meet hyunjin’s eyes. the other finally has the sense to look down now, but it makes the younger’s heart clench.  _ focus focus focus. _

 

“‘sup, hyung?” he puts all his effort into maintaining eye contact with renjun, but he sees hyunjin’s head shoot back up at his words out of the corner of his eye.

 

“just wonderin’ about the job interview,” he says quietly as jeongin leans closer. when he hears what renjun says, his eyes dart around worriedly. he refuses to look in hyunjin’s direction as he replies.

 

“keep it down, hyung,” he hisses. “it’s right after school, so i’m gonna have to change and then go, like, really fast.” renjun nods thoughtfully.

 

“i can ask my brother sicheng to pick us up and give you a ride?” jeongin feels his mouth turn up at the corners.

 

“no, it’s okay, i’ll walk. otherwise my other friends…” renjun nods and they leave it at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter down.  
> okay i kind of feel bad for writing ff idk,, like guilty but oh well  
> sorry innie, thank you hyuckie, hope everyone's doing well!  
> comments and kudos are appreciated!<3


	12. realizations, revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> same gc!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW mentions of a minor character's suicide

 

 

after school, he notes that jaemin, jeno, and renjun bid him a quick goodbye, though donghyuck lingers with him. 

 

“you gonna be good?” he asks as an old, worn out camaro pulls up to where they are at the curb. jeongin nods, and donghyuck gives him a pat on the head before sliding into the passenger seat- and holy shit, is that  _ mark lee _ ? it is, because he waves at jeongin, who flushes and waves back shyly. the camaro pulls away and he turns to look for his friends. he sees felix first (god, he’s missed the boy for the entire  _ day  _ that he was gone) and skips over to him. 

 

“hey, hyungie,” he says brightly. “ _mark_ _lee_ just waved at me. also, i gotta split ways with y'all.”

 

“wow,  _ the  _ mark lee?” felix teases, patting jeongin’s head when he pouts. “i’m kidding, innie, that’s cool. and, why is that?”

 

“uhhhhh.” jeongin didn’t think this through. “because i have to pick something up, for, uh, christmas. it’s a surprise, so. yeah.” felix beams as the other friends make their way over.

 

“ _ inniiiiiieeeeee _ ,” felix draws out excitedly, shaking him gently back and forth. “what're you gonna get us, huh?”

 

_ ah, shit _ .

 

“uh, you'll just have to see!” he laughs nervously, watching as the others smoothly enter the conversation.

 

“everyone, even  _ jisung _ , knows-” seungmin begins.

 

“hey-” jisung barks.

 

“that christmas presents are supposed to be a  _ surprise _ . we tell you this  _ every  _ year, lix.” seungmin peels him off of jeongin. felix smiles bashfully.

 

“i'm just excited,” he explains, linking his hand with jeongin's, whose eyes automatically flit to hyunjin (who is lowkey grumbling to himself over felix's gesture, but is too put in place to make it apparent) before turning back towards the others and smiling mildly.

 

“hey, guys, i actually have to go the opposite way today, cuz i need to go present shopping,” he tells the others.  _ good thinking, jeongin. _

 

“isn't the saturday before christmas your present shopping day? anyways, i'll come with you,” seungmin says.  _ bad thinking, very bad thinking, you idiot! _

 

“yes but i remembered something that's, uh, in low supply, so… and! um, you know, it's gonna be a short trip, and i need, uh, some time to think...” jeongin trails off, eyes dancing from seungmin to felix to jisung, and even to hyunjin. they all seem a little suspicious of his out of character behavior. hyunjin even has this look on his face like he  _ knows something _ , eyebrows drawn up and eyes wide.

 

“alright, but text us when you're home, okay?” felix, ever the fucking saint, acquiesces without any trouble, and jeongin could kiss him (but not really, cuz it'd be like kissing his bro- and changbin would probably destroy him). jeongin nods like a normal person instead and shoulders his backpack a little higher, waving. they wave back, and then he turns around and walks down the sidewalk. quietly, he slips into one of the coffee shops lining the street and uses its bathroom to change. he walks out a  _  changed _ man ( _ this is the pun police, you're under arrest _ , jeongin thinks to himself) and hustles to the location that he's scarcely been.

 

_ Day6 _ , the petite english letters say on the little shop. it's small, sort of like a slice of heaven in the middle of the city. when he enters, he inhales deeply.

 

it's a flower shop.

 

honestly, when jeongin applied for jobs, he wasn't expecting such a quick reply from such a small place, but upon closer inspection, the shop is much bigger on the inside (the tardis is shaking). there's huge buckets of fresh dirt teeming with green foliage, buds on every single one. there's vines curling around the rafters and down the wooden posts supporting them, and there's huge bouquets everywhere. there's even little flower crowns resting on top of the counter. jeongin walks up to it and glances around, staring at the ancient cash register unsurely.

 

suddenly, someone pops up from behind the counter, and jeongin yelps and jumps back, hands tight on his backpack straps.

 

the man is willowy and thin yet short, and his cheekbones are sharp. one of his eyes is slightly crossed, but it just adds to his charm. jeongin feels his cheeks flush as the man’s (very intense) friendly gaze locks on him.  _ he's so handsome, what the fuck _ . then again, he also looks a lot like seungmin.

 

“hello,” he says in a high, melodic voice. “you're very dressed up. how can i help you?”

 

“i-i'm here for an interview?” jeongin watches the other's face light up.

 

“ah, lovely! you must be jeongin. i'm wonpil, nice to meet you. sungjin, our boss, will interview you, but quick warning. there's probably going to be a sarcastic asshole in there with you. his name's jae, and he's a nice guy, i promise.” wonpil leads him through a couple of doors until he knocks on a closed door. it opens to reveal a young face with big eyes and wavy, stark black hair framing it.

 

“that's dowoon,” wonpil stage whispers, and jeongin nods seriously, trying to commit it to memory. dowoon beams at wonpil and swings open the door. he lands a big kiss on the other's cheek (somehow it's shy, even as a blatant gesture). wonpil puts a gentle hand on jeongin's back and leads him forward into the office. sitting there are three other men, all of varying size. it's almost comical- the one behind the desk is buff and extra large with a buzzed head, then the boy sitting next to him- who looks really,  _ really _ familiar- is a small, and finally the really white dude next to  _ him _ (and who is also begrudgingly holding his hand) is tall but resembles a noodle, making him a medium. of course, they're all  _ way  _ taller than him, so he can't talk, but.

 

also, jeongin notes as he tries not to flush, they're all  _ very  _ attractive.  _ very _ .

 

“ah, hello. is there a problem?” the big man asks not unkindly, eyes flitting between him and wonpil.

 

“he's here for the interview,” wonpil explains. 

 

“jeongin?” the man, presumably sungjin, questions with a small smile. jeongin nods shyly. “i'm sungjin, the boss of these idiots. here, have a seat.” he gestures to the seat in front of his desk.

 

“how could you do this to us, dude,” the noodle drawls, leaning back in his chair. “i thought we  _ had  _ something.” the man holding his hand sits up-  _ god, what the fuck, he looks so familiar- almost like- _

 

“jeongin as in, yang jeongin?” he asks, a grin growing. he looks  _ just _ like jisung-  _ oh. _

 

“b-brian, right?” jeongin asks nervously. brian facepalms while noodle starts laughing loudly (and even sungjin lets out a chuckle). jeongin wonders what's so funny.

 

“ah, it's  _ younghyun _ . you're  _ definitely _ jisungie's jeongin, aren't you?” brian notes and jeongin nods, cheeks coloring.

 

“i'm sorry, younghyun-ssi-”

 

“no, don’t, no one calls him that,” noodle wheezes, grinning smugly. “i'm jae.”

 

“and the worst boyfriend in the  _ world _ ,” brian mutters under his breath. before jae has a chance to retort, sungjin sighs tiredly.

 

“will you guys get out? i have an interview to conduct and you're wasting this poor kid's time.” sungjin smiles apologetically at jeongin.

 

“can i stay? gotta make sure he can handle us.” jae pushes brian out of his seat but remains firmly in his own, watching as wonpil and dowoon trot out. sungjin sighs again ( _poor_ _dude_ , jeongin muses) and shrugs, then turns to the youngest.

 

“okay, so, what made you apply to this job?”  _ oh, besides the fact that i can't afford my favorite cereal? _

 

“this is a pretty place, and it seems kind of peaceful… to be honest, i, um, really need a job due to some, uh, sudden circumstances, and this seems nice.” jeongin tries to keep eye contact with sungjin as the other nods, leaning back in his seat. jae hums.

 

“what makes you think you'll  _ get _ this job?” jae randomly asks bluntly. sungjin looks up sharply from his papers and opens his mouth to reprimand him, but even as jeongin shrinks into his seat, he begins to answer.

 

“really, i  _ don't _ . i-i'm not exactly qualified with plants, besides keeping an african violet or five alive in my house, but… but i work hard, a-and i'll do my best…” jeongin is completely sincere, eyes finally staying on jae's, trailing off unsurely.  _ welp, just lost this job before i even had it _ . but then-

 

“you're hired!” jae declares, tugging his hood off and standing up.

 

“jae, we haven't even finished- y'know what, yeah, whatever. i like you too, kid. welcome to day6's flower shop.” sungjin grins brightly at him, standing too and offering a hand to jeongin, who takes it and gets up quickly.

 

“a-are you sure?” he asks impulsively, eyes wide. sungjin goes to put a hand on his shoulder, but it's a little too quick for jeongin. he flinches, breath catching, and then immediately snarls at himself inwardly. jae's flint sharp eyes soften.

 

“yeah, kid,” jae says, voicing losing all of its bite. “lemme show you the ropes.” and that's exactly what he did. jeongin found everything in the store fascinating and beautiful, which he had in common with the other boys working there. after wonpil made him change back into normal clothes ( _ those look so expensive, jeongin, this is a messy store) _ , he was taught just how to do things.

 

eventually, the men tell him to come back tomorrow (he's going to work every day a good two hours after school, which gives time to evade suspicion from his friends). as he makes his way home, his mind strays to hyunjin.

 

_ a sophomore jeongin adjusts his shoulder straps, walking next to his dad-friend chris as the older leads them cheerfully to a tree just outside of his school's baseball fields. chris is already out of high school, but he went there when he was younger, so he knows his way around. _

 

_ “are you sure they'll like me?” jeongin asks, slowing down a little. “i can always go back home, cuz my mom left a little while ago-” _

 

_ “innie, who do you sit with at lunch?” chris interrupts, nodding when the other stays silent. “four of these guys are juniors, changbin is a senior- it's perfect, bud. they'll love you.” _

 

_ “i'm not your charity project, hyung,” jeongin retorts quietly. “you don't have to pawn me off so i can have someone to  _ sit  _ with.” chris stops walking and turns towards the younger. _

 

_ “this isn't about that, innie. i just know that you'll like my friends and they'll like you. you're not my charity project, you're my family, okay?” he pulls jeongin close with an arm around his shoulder and they keep walking. eventually, they're standing in front of seven other boys. one of them is woojin- jeongin knows him because chris never stops talking about the older. he's the first to stand and say hello. they go around the circle, and jeongin's eyes start widening when he realizes that everyone in the group was or  _ is  _ popular in some way at the high school. lee minho, the best dancer they've ever seen? seo changbin, the resident scary kid that has destroyed idiots for messing with his friends? lee felix, han jisung, kim seungmin- _

 

_ hwang hyunjin. _

 

_ the prince of the school, a heartbreaker of many, and the most ethereal and handsome boy jeongin has ever seen, from afar and, now, up close. he can't even meet the other's eyes. _

 

_ obviously, he doesn't share jeongin's reservations, because he stands up and bows a little.  _

 

_ “hello,” he says, with the prettiest smile. jeongin dies. no, seriously. he backs into chan in his panicked gay haste, who grins a little knowingly. “so you're jeongin? i'm hyunjin.” _

 

_ “i know,” jeongin stammers, and hyunjin laughs softly.  _ ouchie _. _

 

_ “that's good.” he grabs jeongin's hand, which- “welcome to the group!” _

 

_ “we're all gay,” seungmin deadpanned. _

 

_ “i am not,” hyunjin tacks on, pulling jeongin down to sit next to him. he's not??? but he's so… jeongin just nods dumbly and is swept into the conversation. _

 

he should've taken that seriously. he shouldn't have been swept away by those lips and pretty smiles, his eyes and the way he laughs. he shouldn't have fallen for the head tilts and the  _ how are you baby _ ’s and the protective behavior.

 

he shouldn't have been like the rest of the population of the school, because hyunjin is his best friend. the best friend who trusted him. trusted him not to fall in love with him. trusted him to rant about all of those love letters and uncomfortable confessions, to cuddle with platonically, to vent, and yet.

 

yet jeongin had stumbled and fell, just like everyone else.

 

he had thought hyunjin broke his heart, but in his selfishness, he realizes with a painful twinge that by loving him, he broke hyunjin's  _ trust _ . 

 

it makes him love the other even more. it makes him sorry he yelled. it makes him see that he deserves to have lost hyunjin.

 

_ it makes my mother right. _

 

he unlocks his door mechanically. it makes sense, now. his mother has always been right, about him at least. she'd always hiss to him, in her drunken fits, that he was a disappointment. when she was sober, she'd take a 180, telling him how grown up he is for allowing them to stay out late, and, eventually, fail to return for days, weeks,  _ months  _ on end.  _ you were wrong about that; look at how i'm handling this _ , he thinks, taking the rug out back and shaking it out before pulling out the mop. stress cleaning, he had found when he was a mere 12 years old, always has helped him when he wasn't on the verge of an anxiety attack, but when he was just so  _ overwhelmed _ . when the floor is done, he stares up the stairs, eyes locked on the upper floor. he hasn't been to his actual room in what feels like decades. it's been maybe a month. it doesn't make him want to go in there anymore, but cleaning has to be done.

 

he opens the door hesitantly, surveying the room.  besides the dust lightly coating every surface, it's spotless. typical.

 

finally, he stands in front of his parent's room, ice swirling around in his veins.

 

_ you can do it _ , he encourages himself.

 

_ you're a coward _ , a meaner him whispers, and he shivers and swings the door open violently.

 

the bed is made, hardly any signs of use on it. in fact, the entire room is that way. sitting on the bedside table is a picture of the family. 

 

no, not jeongin. it's his parents and their family minus him. minus the stain on the family tree. they're all tight buns and lips, smiles barely gracing their features. jeongin's grandmother isn't in the picture either. he misses her.

 

his parents had removed her contact in his phone long ago, but he just wishes he could  _ call  _ her. he honestly doesn't know if she's still alive. maybe he'll try and visit her on saturday- it's only two days away. chris would understand. but then it strikes him that he can't afford that.

 

_ after christmas _ , he chants in his head, setting the picture frame down with a clatter and walking out of the room and into the study. 

 

he finds a pile of letters, neatly written but never sent. they're not even closed fully. out of curiosity, jeongin opens one addressed to his mother's mother.

 

_ mom, _

 

_ you were right about only having one child. it never works out. but, my husband insisted. _

 

_ sometimes, i get a little drunk and knock sense into him. you remember when father did that to my brother? chiwon couldn't survive it because he was weak. his emotions got the better of him. i never understood why father was guilty. _

 

_ my son, i think, is strong. he takes it well, always improves. i just hope he doesn't end up like chiwon. that would be disappointing, to find him- _

 

jeongin chokes, chucking the paper away like it burned him. it floats carelessly to the ground, as if it wasn't heavy with disgusting words. he feels them curl around his throat.

 

_ disgusting excuse of a boy. _

 

_ my son, i think, is strong. _

 

_ chiwon couldn't survive it because he was weak.  _

 

_ that would be disappointing, to find him- _

 

_ -gone by his own hands. _

 

_ she thinks she's doing the right thing,  _ jeongin thinks as he gags into his hands, running to the upstairs bathroom and heaving.  _ she would be  _ disappointed _ if i killed myself _ .

 

_ you're not my son _ .

 

he thinks that maybe she wouldn't be so disappointed anymore. 

 

☾

 

later that night, he tries to plunge the letter from his mind, but it hovers over him like a cloud. he eats half of a bowl of the remaining three packs of ramen before he gives up, carefully putting it into the fridge and going to the group chat.

  
  


**dummy thicc**

 

**11:48 PM**

 

**jeanskirt:** mary asked me to date her

 

**yert:** i mean she believes in god

 

**hawnie:** ^

**hawnie:** what more do you want

 

**heattac:** who the fuck is mary

 

**heprotecc:** I was wondering the same thing, without the fuck.

 

**bebeebean:** some chick in their class

**bebeebean:** shes a bitch

 

**yert:** okay yeah u tru

 

**incarnate:** no tea no shade but her attitude towards gays alone makes her ugly as fuck

 

**hot:** oh so shes a HOOOOOOOMOPHOBE

 

**innards:** shes said some not nice things about 

**innards:** uh

**innards:** ppl

 

**heattac:** JEONGIN

 

**innards:** oh look at the time sorry hyung gotta blast

 

**heprotecc:** IT WAS THAT FUCKING BITCH??????

 

**yert:** holy shit woojin hyung

 

**hawnie:** let me move my bangs and read that again

**hawnie:** did woojin just say that

 

**incarnate:** wait what

 

**innards:** idk wut yall r on abt,,,,,

**innards:** nvr has sch a thing happnd to ME

 

**heattac:** innie:(((

**heattac:** hyunjin whats her phone number

 

**jeanskirt:** ???????????????

**jeanskirt:** why

 

**yert:** wait

 

**hawnie:** wait

 

**incarnate:** wait

 

**jeanskirt:** wait

 

**bebeebean:** god its like the 2000 line shares one brain cell

**bebeebean:** HOLD UP YOURE NOT SAYING

 

**hot:** YANG JEONGIN RETURN RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!!

 

**innards:** this happened like freshman year

**innards:** not tht bg a deal

 

**heprotecc:** Hun, Channie told me only a BRIEF rendition.

**heprotecc:** It is definitely that big of a deal, with JUST the tip of the iceberg.

 

**jeanskirt:** im rejecting her very harshly tomorrow

 

jeongin sighs, but his stomach flutters at huunjin's reply anyway. maybe he  _ is  _ still jeongin's friend. he flicks on a movie and settles in, letter temporarily forgotten, mind still probing freshman year's debacles. he tries to dismiss it as best he can.

 

really, what had happened doesn’t bother him anymore. she had threatened him, threatened to tell his family, threaten to make her boyfriend kill jeongin. it was a rough situation, back then, but chris was there for him the entire time, and at one point, so were the actual police. even his mom got along, and chris had managed to scare mary so much that she hid the fact that it was because he was gay, instead saying it was because of his personality. it was later revealed at the dinner table that jeongin was hopefully “taught a lesson”, courtesy of his father’s eloquence. it was scary, it was hard, and it was straining on his mental health. it could’ve even been the origin of his sleeplessness- because as scared as he was of his mother, he was  _ terrified  _ of mary’s boyfriend climbing through his window with his fancy baseball bat. 

 

it’s different now.

 

now he has his friends to protect him,  _ especially  _ hyunjin. because despite their… difficulties, jeongin knows that hyunjin would undoubtedly help him, which absolutely breaks his heart. 

 

the movie ends (it was infinity war- it sure  _ didn’t  _ feel so good, mr.stark). jeongin finds himself facing the stairs once again after he cleans up.  _ should i? _

 

he slowly makes the ascent, steps creaking faintly. 

 

his room hasn’t changed in the hours that he hasn’t seen it, yet it feels different.

 

it feels like lingering thoughts, not empty space.

 

regardless, he sits himself down and wraps himself up, curling up in a cold and crisp comforter that draws heat from him like water from a tap. 

  
  


_ i do not believe that i am a disappointment. _

 

_ i do not believe that i am not a good friend. _

 

_ i do not believe my mother. _

 

_ i will not end up like chiwon. _

 

_ i do not believe i should die. _

 

_ i- _

 

he throws his phone high above his head. it flies back down faster. 

 

_ it’s 4:43 AM, and you’re reciting the school counselor's wall posters. nice. _

 

he sits up, sighing. it’s dark outside. it’s a two story house. the moon is a waxing gibbous, and the stars twinkle at him. he does what  _ any  _ sane teenager with insomnia and a mean thought process would do.

 

he climbs out his window and onto his roof.

 

for some reason, at night it feels like he’s not going to fall. the christmas lights glow from what seems like far away, dangling along the edges of the roof. he looks up at the stars. they wink.

 

_ maybe if you got out of this place… _ they tell him, and the moon smiles. jeongin smiles, a little, back.

 

_ yeah, but i have amazing friends _ , he replies, turning his head to glance at hyunjin’s house. the lights are all off.  _ they’re all i have. and by the way, the love of my life lives over there.  _

 

_ your life can be bigger than this _ . the stars flicker violently.  _ your love can be better than this. _

 

_ i suppose you’re right, but… _

 

jeongin thinks about cuddling with hyunjin, thinks about how the other is always confused. thinks about how he speaks english (badly, but it’s  _ cute _ ), thinks about every moment since they’ve met, erases the infatuation that he might have had before and that had developed after. hyunjin is a  _ good  _ person. hyunjin is an  _ amazing  _ friend. hyunjin cares, and jeongin cares  _ for  _ him.

 

_...but maybe i don’t want it to be. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowowowowowowow a DOOzy (?) of a chapter,,,, i felt very philisophical when writing this,,,, i think this is my peak writing goddamn  
> my tweeter: https://twitter.com/fmeupbuttercup?s=09  
> or just @fmeupbuttercup   
> welcome day6! the fun is about to start!  
> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!!!<3


	13. suspicions arise

it’s  _ really  _ cold when jeongin wakes up. the sun isn’t even peeking out over the horizon yet, but the clouds create a sort of dark gray glow around the world.

 

_ wait, clouds???? _

 

jeongin shoots up. he’s still on his  _ roof _ , and it’s  _ snowing _ . it looks like it just started maybe an hour ago, because he can still see the ground and his roof, but it’s getting progressively harder, and it’s so  _ cold _ . he stands up and stumbles, slipping backwards and sliding down closer to the edge of his roof.  _ it’s more slanted than i thought _ , he realizes when his heart is a little calmer. his breath fogs around him as he breathes out slow.  _ okay, think _ . he left his phone in his room, and for  _ fucks sake _ , he’s on his god damned roof, and it’s snowing and he’s wearing a fucking t-shirt and thin pajama pants and socks. 

 

_ i am so dead _ . 

 

he scoots himself back and towards his window, which is directly to his left. he’s facing hyunjin’s house, and half of him wishes the other would look through his window and  _ help him _ . this is difficult to pull off, you see. he either makes his window or falls into his bushes. 

 

_ yolo _ .

 

he sticks a foot down and gets it stuck sturdily on the sill of his window. his arms are  _ just  _ long enough to have a grip on the edge of his roof and also have both feet down on the side of his house. he can’t look down, so he swings his hand wildly around to find the top of his window. 

 

in his haste, he misses the fact that his hand is slipping from the roof until he loses the grip completely and throws his arms out behind him. 

 

he falls for less than two seconds. the only person to catch him  _ this  _ time is the unidentifiable (but thankfully  _ thick _ ) bush on the side of his house with a  _ thump _ .

 

“owwwwwww,” he groans, but he’s okay. no broken bones, just little scrapes on his arms and a bit of flaring pain from the bruises on his neck. no biggie. he gets up and walks around his house, and in his tired haste he forgets that he’s locked out. he tries the frozen door knob once, twice, and then it hits him.

 

_ ah, shit _ .

 

he turns and looks at his street through squinted eyes. the snow is reflecting light from god-knows-where, and he  _ just  _ woke up from, what, two hours of sleep?  _ yeah, real healthy, jeongin. _

 

“game plan,” he mumbles, scratching his head, hand accidentally dodging the leaves and sticks stuck in his hair. “hyunjin… is a last resort. seungmin only lives a block away… spare key!” he whips around and digs around every last hidden surface on his porch to no avail. _ guess that leaves seungmin.  _

 

he walks with only his socks on, snow soaking through every thin layer of clothing he has on, and it’s not fun. his nose is dripping, which is  _ not  _ attractive, and he’s shivering so much it throws him off the sidewalk. a car slows down next to him.

 

“you okay, sweetie?” a lady asks, eyeing his neck and then his attire.

 

“oh, yeah, i’m great, thank you!” he offers a light lipped smile waving weakly at the woman behind the wheel. she shoots him a worried look ( _ still more than my mom has ever offered _ , he grumbles to himself) but thankfully drives away. jeongin continues to shuffle on, leaving a quickly covered path behind him. 

 

_ finally _ , he gets to seungmin’s and he taps on the door.  _ please follow your schedule, please follow your schedule- _ the lock clicks and the door opens just a little, a warm brown eye able to peek out into the sunrise and see a scarecrow standing at his door.

 

“holy shit,” seungmin yelps, swinging the door open and yanking jeongin in. “what the hell  _ happened  _ to you?” jeongin laughs weakly as seungmin drags him none too gently into their very warm kitchen. 

 

“seungminnie, language- oh my  _ fuck _ ,” a recognizable voice cries, and a willowy figure whips into the room as well. jeongin leans his head on the table, body shaking uncontrollably.  _ why does the weather hate me so much _ , he complains in his head. seungmin throws a couple of things on the table as someone else picks his head off of its perch. he doesn’t bother opening his eyes, assuming it’s his friend, but then-

 

“jeongin?”

 

“w-wonpil-hyung?” so  _ that’s  _ why he looked like seungmin. they’re related.

 

“what is- what-”

 

“you  _ know  _ each other? great. pirrie, help me.” seungmin heaves jeongin off the chair again. wonpil does help him, the two very skinny boys half-dragging another very skinny boy down the hallway to the bathroom. “jeongin,  _ literally  _ what happened. you look like you fell into a bush. in the snow. not in that order.”

 

“did you get, um,  _ any  _ sleep?” wonpil adds gently, seemingly  _ very  _ worried. jeongin would think it’s cute and also embarrassing if he didn’t already want to die.

 

“uh, i fell asleep on the roof at 5 in the morning. and just woke up. and fell in a bush. and i’m locked out of my house. oh, my window is open, though.” he ticks them off on his fingers sheepishly, shoulders caving in. “ _ please  _ don’t tell chan-hyung,” he adds. wonpil’s eyes are saucers. seungmin looks completely done.

 

“okay, just… hyung, could you leave, i gotta get him into the shower.” wonpil nods and disappears down the hallway. “innie, you  _ do  _ realize it’s like, 6, right?” jeongin shrugs. 

 

“i jus’ need a-  _ fuu- _ ” jeongin sneezes, propelling his body to fold over onto itself. seungmin snorts as he rubs his eyes. “shut up, ugly. i jus’ need a shower and a hand getting back into my house, no biggie. tha’s all.” the older just eyes him before helping him tug off his shirt. 

 

“k, nah. we won’t have time for that. what’s gonna happen is, you’re gonna wear one of  _ my  _ school uniforms and a scarf, and you won’t have any concealer today-  _ yes i know about that- _ and you’re gonna suck it up. we’ll close your window on the way to the café.” jeongin nods, too tired to argue, and seungmin pushes him towards the running shower. then he waves and walks out the door, shutting it softly behind him. 

 

the billowing steam punches jeongin in the face, and it’s almost too hot for him to stand under the hot water, but he does it anyways. when he gets out, he dries off and sees the pile of clothes on the sink.  _ he acts like a dick, but is the best friend someone could ask for. crazy. _ he gets dressed and glances at himself in the mirror.

 

besides his cheeks, eyes and nose, he’s completely pale. the very light pink scarf  _ does  _ help a little, though. thank god it’s not flashy. 

 

he sniffles as he trots into the kitchen, where seungmin is chatting with his… brother? wonpil? whatever. when the older sees him, he tugs jeongin to the coat rack, where he bundles him with the world’s largest and warmest hoodie. jeongin’s still cold (he suspects he’s sick- just an  _ inkling _ ) but he’s a  _ lot  _ warmer. they leave the house and the cold air snaps at their faces.

 

seungmin boosts jeongin up, who climbs through his window and scoops his backpack up. they don’t have time for much else, just for him to grab his keys and lock his window and front door. 

 

hyunjin, jisung and felix all meet them right in front of his house with questioning looks on their faces.

 

“innie, do you have a cold?” felix asks worriedly. simultaneously, jisung asks,

“why were you climbing through the window, and why are you wearing seungmin’s clothes?”

 

“uhhh, maybe and… it’s a long story that i don’t think we want to have time for-”

 

“i want to have time for it-” jisung butts in.

 

“no one asked,” jeongin snaps, burrowing into seungmin’s hoodie. and then guilt writhes in his stomach. “i’m sorry. i’m cold.” jisung’s shocked face melts immediately and he tugs jeongin between him and felix. 

 

“forgivable.” he grins in his  _ jisung  _ way, and the five make their way to the café.

 

chan is the first one jeongin makes direct eye contact with. he’s the first one to explode.

 

“what the- jeongin,  _ what happened _ ? seungmin-”

 

“he can explain the story, i just had to clean up his mess.” seungmin fakes being annoyed and rolls his eyes, but they still hold a little bit of concern in them, which is comforting. jeongin slides in next to chan as everyone looks at him expectantly. 

 

“uhhhh, well, i couldn’t sleep-”

 

“ _ obviously _ ,” minho teases, tapping his own eye bags. jeongin grins at him. 

 

“ _ anyways _ , i couldn’t sleep, so i thought to myself,  _ y’know what _ ,  _ i’m gonna get on the roof _ . at this point it was like, 5 AM, but anyways. i fell asleep and then woke up like an hour later and, um, i kind of-”

 

“don’t you fucking-” felix gasps, and jeongin nods embarrassedly. 

 

“yeah, i sort of fell off my roof and into my bushes. and then i walked to seungmin’s ‘cause i locked myself out. and that, my friends, is the tea.” changbin bursts out laughing, and eventually everyone else does, too. chan picks a leaf out of his hair. 

 

“you missed this, bud,” he crows, flicking it at the other and patting his head.

 

“shut the frick u- u _ uu- _ ” He bursts out in rapidfire sneezing, and the laughing intensifies. he flips them the bird even as he sinks into chan’s side. following their laughing, they  _ awwwww _ , starting (as usual) with woojin. every single  _ one  _ of his friends does it- hyunjin included. his cheeks turn red. 

 

“how about we come over tomorrow? it’s only a couple of days until christmas, right? so we might as well visit?” chan presses jeongin’s hair to his head. 

 

_ my house is clean, but do i  _ really  _ want them to see the state of poverty i’m in? _

 

“uh, since i’m sick, maybe you shouldn’t come. and, uh, i’m gonna be busy. picking up stuff. for christmas.”  _ god,  _ he’s a terrible liar. hyunjin and jisung’s eyes narrow a little. 

 

“we’ll come over at night,” jisung chirps, pushing it determinedly. usually it’s minho who would say something like that, so jeongin eyes him warily. he looks like he knows something. the others look at him expectedly. 

 

“okay,  _ fine _ .” he missed this. he missed watching them cheer and shake him excitedly, like it’s their biggest dream to all hang out as nine. it kind of  _ is  _ his. “but like, at seven or something. i have to do some things.”

 

“i can come after school and help?” jisung persists.  _ nope, this is weird. what’s gotten into him? _

 

“no, nah, i’ve got it covered,” jeongin assures, smiling. and then something happens that  _ literally  _ no one was expecting.

 

“are you sure you don’t have anything, uh, going after school?” hyunjin asks, eyes focused intensely on him. looking for the lie.  _ please don’t find it _ .

 

“n-no, what makes you think that?” he laughs a little at the fake absurdity of it.  _ psssh, me???? _ chan watches the two of them confusedly. minho’s eyes narrow a bit too.

 

“nothing,” hyunjin dismisses quietly, and then the conversation shifts. minho is still observing jeongin, but he doesn’t really notice. elation is coursing through him- hyunjin talked to him. he hasn’t apologized, but maybe- 

 

_ maybe it’s an act _ . it sounds too reasonable for him to avoid entertaining the thought.  _ i mean, to get everyone off of your backs. it makes sense. he hasn’t apologized for a reason, don’t you think? _

 

_ how about you shut your negative, probably true ass up? _ he thinks frustratedly, sipping angrily at his hot chocolate- which hasn't cooled, and immediately burns his tongue. he yelps, and minho snickers. 

 

“st _ oo _ pid,” he teases, grinning at jeongin, reaching across the table to pat his cheek like a grandmother.

 

eventually, the school day comes and goes with the youngest sniffling and sneezing every so often. jeongin avoids hyunjin’s eyes but not his company, and the other reflects the behavior. their friends exchange secret glances over their heads (figuratively, because hyunjin is fucking tall). jeongin starts walking towards  _ Day6 _ after saying goodbye’s when jisung falls in step with him.

 

“uh,” jeongin says intelligently, glancing back at their other friends. hyunjin is watching, but the other two high schoolers are just talking with jaemin and his friends. “what’s up, hyung?”

 

“where are you off to?” he asks, nudging jeongin’s shoulder with his own. the younger shrugs. 

 

“just goin’ to the store.” 

 

“oh, i’ll come with you.” jisung’s eyes seem to hold something jeongin can’t recognize. he doesn’t like it. he buries the panic creeping up his throat. 

 

“no, it’s okay,” he mumbles, grinning thinly. “i was just gonna have some alone time-”

 

“innie,” jisung interrupts, voice dark. jeongin stops walking. “why are you lying to me?” 

 

“wh-what?” jeongin swallows hard. he’s been found out.

 

“you know brian’s my brother,” he continues. “he mentioned my friend getting a job at his flower shop. why are you hiding it?”

 

“i- it’s just that-” the younger takes a deep breath. “look, it’s a secret, and you can’t tell anybody. it’s just… a thing. that… i dunno… just…” he looks at jisung pleadingly. “it’s a secret.” jisung nods, arm snaking around jeongin’s shoulders.

 

“yeah, but like, why?” 

 

“that’s a secret, too.” a beat of silence.

 

“okay,” jisung mumbles finally. “but please don’t get any sicker. okay?” jeongin nods, but his body aches. welp. 

 

jisung curves away, walking back towards the school, while jeongin gets to the flower shop without much difficulty.

 

wonpil waves at him with a little smile. “hey jeongin,” he sings, coming around the counter and patting him on the shoulder. “would you like to get started and go repot…” he started rattling off a bunch of flowers and tasks, and jeongin starts on them eagerly. 

 

the fragrant smell of somehow-still living flowers (it’s three days to christmas, seriously, how?) doesn’t really help out with his sniffling. he  _ would  _ buy cold medicine, y’know, if he actually had money. crazy how that works. regardless, he’s replanting a particularly heavy flower when someone comes over to him, still kneeling. thinking it’s a customer, he straightens up with a mostly real closed lipped smile and bows slightly. 

 

“hello, how can i- oh, hey jae-hyung. what’s up?”

 

“kid, you’ve been working extremely efficiently for three hours. do you wanna take a break?” jae is leaned against one of the wooden pillars that pieces the rafters together, feigning nonchalance, but jeongin hardly misses the small spark of worry lingering there. but also,  _ three hours _ ?   
  


“woah,” jeongin blurts. “i didn’t realize- um, let me just replant th-”

 

“how did you even learn how to execute the planting almost as good as wonpil, like, overnight? also, he mentioned how you’re sick and shouldn’t even be here.”

 

“research, and uh… i’m not sick.” he follows the statement up with a fierce sneeze and looks up at him sheepishly. “okay, well. a little. but it’s cuz i fell asleep outside last night! can’t be blamed!”

 

“are you  _ sure  _ you fell asleep?” jae taunts without malice, ruffling his hair. “c’mon bro, take ten. then you can replant the- uh…”

 

“gardenias.”

 

“garden-whatevers, yeah.” jeongin giggles and stretches his limbs. he  _ is  _ a bit tired, but that’s- obvious. an hour of sleep (again, jesus, kid) paired with a pretty vicious gets to you. so does sudden decrease in money and appetite. 

 

_ it be like that _ , jeongin thinks. then he thinks that he’s been spending too much time with jisung. he seats himself against the cart of flower crowns, hitting the floor heavily and sniffling routinely.

 

_ are you sure you don’t have anything, uh, going after school? _

 

was he asking because he knew the answer, or because he wanted to hang out with jeongin?

 

his mind drifts to the letter inevitably  _ again _ , which he loathes. he feels his skin crawl. his mother was trying to make him better, but maybe she has given up. she wouldn’t be  _ disappointed _ -

 

he falls into a small half-sleep pondering it, jerking awake when someone taps his head. he scrambles to his feet, ready to dart away from violence at the drop of a hat. his eyes find brian standing over him, staring at him with wide eyes, and both relief and horror courses through him.  _ great, now he’s gonna ask why- _

 

“are you alright?” brian takes a step back, but it seems to be only for making jeongin more comfortable. he could  _ cry.  _ “you fell asleep and looked terrified, so…”

 

“ah, yeah, i’m all good,” jeongin mumbles embarrassedly, clearing his throat. “sorry for sleeping on the job.” a couple of brutal coughs rip up his throat and shake his frame, and he apologizes again. brian just shakes his head.

 

“kid…” he cautiously takes a step closer and slowly raises a hand to rest on jeongin’s shoulder, smiling a little when he accepts it without protest. “you only have an hour left. why not just go home-”

 

“no!” jeongin yelps, panic welling in his blood. he needs this money. “no, i really need… i can’t.”

 

“we’ll pay you half of next week’s paycheck,” sungjin pipes up, appearing from nowhere with jae and wonpil at his side. “and this is not to get rid of you, jeongin. you look really sick, and really tired. you mentioned you needed this job, and i get living paycheck to paycheck. so,” he finally says, pulling out an envelope, “take half, and head on home, for your health.” jeongin stares at him for a good ten seconds of silence, and briefly registers his eyes welling with tears.  _ oh ho ho, no crying in front of these snazzy people. _ it’s hard though, when they’re being so kind. why is everyone so kind?

 

“are you- are you sure?”

 

jae laughs a little. “yeah, kid. you’re like,  _ really _ sick.” jeongin flushes (more) and nods, packing up and accepting the envelope and taking off his apron. e hefts his backpack up onto his shoulders and maintains eye contact with sungjin.

 

“thank you, hyungs,” he says sweetly, voice congested. “i really,  _ really  _ am thankful.” sungjin smiles, and jae looks like he’s fighting one, too.

 

“of course, jeongin,” sungjin replies, and he takes it as his cue to wave goodbye and walk out the door.

 

on his trek home, jeongin makes a list of tasks. christmas is going to be on tuesday, and it’s friday. renjun had mentioned a friend of theirs throwing a christmas eve party, and that jeongin and his friends are invited. jeongin has the boys coming over on saturday, so he needs to get groceries before then. and then the rest of the week he has off because of winter break.  _ maybe i can work on christmas _ , he muses as he unlocks his door and puts his backpack on the kitchen counter, making a grocery list. 

 

“my cereal, more ramen- no wait, the boys are coming over, i can’t buy both… okay, ramen, bread, turkey, uh, popcorn i guess, if i can cop it…” he talks to himself and whisks around the kitchen until he has a sufficient list. he changes into a turtle neck of his own and folds seungmin’s clothes, wrestling on some joggers and retying his converse. 

 

everything goes fine, and he restocks his cabinets, tucking away the small amount of money he has left and curling up on the couch watching home alone. 

 

_ fitting _ , he thinks distantly as he drifts to sleep.  _ christmas will be my own day, i suppose. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for this being a day late!!!!!!!!! finals and the last couple days of school have been kicking my ass!!!! but it's over now, so hooray!  
> omg hyunjin! is actually taking his head out of his ass!!! but only momentarily;^  
> what are we thinkin bout this chapter? bc ngl, pretty damn sHITTY  
> i blame it on insomnia literally kicking my fucking ass. i cant even think straight anymore (igay) damn this is so sad alexa play depsacito  
> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!!!! love you all!!!


	14. mending broken boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cottoncandy/featherduster: chan  
> hug: woojin  
> smile: hyunjin  
> soft: minho  
> sun: felix  
> moon: changbin  
> teef: jisung  
> dandelion: seungmin  
> bubeedoo: jeongin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- mentions of suicide (no one's actually doing it though!), anxiety attacks, light violence

jeongin wakes up when it's still dark, already on his feet and carrying himself far from where he had rested previously, nightmare still clinging.

 

_ you're not my son _ , his mother had taunted, eyes turning black and fingers twisting into claws, digging into his throat, slicing his cheek. her smile grew and her teeth sharpened.

 

the fingers around his neck twined together into a rope, and suddenly he's suspended in midair, mother watching in disdain.

 

_ how disappointing _ , she had crooned, backhanding him so hard that he woke up running. 

 

when he registers that it's okay, it was  _ just a dream _ ,  _ i'm safe, _ his knees give out in relief and he collapses right in the middle of the kitchen doorway. his phone flashes on the counter. the groupchat is still going strong, even at- he squints at the oven clock- 2:56 in the morning. he rises to his feet and scoops the phone up, opening the chat in an attempt to feel better.

 

**bing bong boyos**

 

**2:56 AM**

 

**cottoncandy:** dang but my hair is getting better!!!

 

**hug:** That's good.

 

**sun:** that's really great hyung!!!!!!!

 

**teef:** oof!!!! 

 

**moon:** love how we're all so excited about how you're not going bald

 

**dandelion:** as we should be!!!!!

 

**smile:** yes, your poor feather duster of a head

 

**cottoncandy:** BRAT

 

**_dandelion has changed "_ ** **cottoncandy** **_"s name to "_ ** **featherduster** **_"_ **

 

**teef:** AJFKAKGKSKGKKSGK

 

**sun:** AJFKAKGKSKGKKGK

 

**hug:** Where is the lie?

 

**moon:** why are your keyboard smashes almost identical

 

**soft:** okay this is great and all,

**soft:** but why am i 

**soft:** a) the only adjective

**soft:** and b) one that doesn't even describe me

 

**smile:** excuse me

 

**dandelion:** bOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME IT DOESNT WHEN YOU WERE RANTING ABOUT HOW PRECIOUS JISUNG IS AND HOW MUCH YOU WANNA SQUISH HIS LOVELY CHEEKS THE EN TI  R E NIGHT YESTERDAY

 

**soft:** fuck you 

 

**teef:** is that tre

 

**smile:** i can confirm, we were over at seungmins and minho called him crying

 

**teef:** oh mo

 

**featherduster:** are you okay???

 

**teef:** yeaj im cruinh mo biggir

 

**sun:** sungie:((

 

**soft:** are you home bb

 

**teef:** ueah

 

**soft:** omw

 

**featherduster:** wooj when will we ever

 

**hug:** Crazy how we live together and I am lying in bed next to you holding your hand as we type

 

**moon:** can confirm

 

**sun:** :*

 

**moon:** huh?

 

**sun:** lemme give you a kith

 

**moon:** akfksogjwjgkks

 

**bubeedoo:** wow felix u broke him

**bubeedoo:** wut the fuck is a bubeedoo btw

 

**sun:** you

**sun:** cute

**sun:** spectacular

 

**bubeedoo:** im gonna stop u right there

 

**featherduster:** where’s the lie uwu

 

**bubeedoo:** dare u uwu at mJCIOVnsd

 

**dandelion:** uh you good, in?

 

**bubeedoo:** not a fuckkin word

 

**sun:** did yOU SNEEZE IHFNSOKLF

 

**hug:** UWU

 

**sun:** UWU

 

**dandelion:** UWU

 

**featherduster:** UWU

 

**teef:** min is busy but we both said UWU

 

**smile:** UWU

 

**moon:** ...UWU

 

**bubeedoo:** SHTU IP

 

**featherduster:** cute!

 

jeongin closes his phone, sighing, a small smile on his face. his friends do love him, it’s undeniable.

 

_ for what reason? _

 

huh?

 

_ for what  _ reason  _ do they love you? _

 

jeongin ignores the curling wisps of negativity seeping into his brain, and his neck throbs, throat aching like the fingers in his dream. like the noose. 

 

_ would it be so bad? _

 

mechanically, he goes into the kitchen, cleaning in vain. it’s already spotless. his phone vibrates.

 

**Eunji (mother)**

 

**swipe to answer**

 

with shaking fingers, he does, bringing the phone up to his ear.

 

“hello?”

 

“ _ jeongin. _ ”

 

“yes ma’am?” his voice shakes a little.

 

“ _why are you up at this time of night? in korea, is it not 3 AM?_ _i was planning on leaving a message._ ”

 

“i’m sorry.”

 

“ _ hush, boy. i called to check in on you. _ ” 

 

his heart skips a beat. she… she cares? “really? um-”

 

“ _ you haven’t told anyone about our agreement, am i correct? _ ” his heart drops.

 

“a-agreement?”

 

“ _ stupid. you’re daft, christ. the letter, jeongin. the money. how is your… _ ” her voice turns considerably less positive. “ _ predicament _ ?”

 

“it’s… i don’t know. i haven’t, um. told anyone-”

 

“ _ not even, ugh, what’s his- bang? bang chan, was it? _ ”

 

“no, i- i haven’t told him.”

 

“ _ good. _ ” there’s talking on the other end of the line. his mother talks back, before speaking to him again. “ _ hopefully you’re learning about responsibility. are you? _ ”

 

“yes, ma’am.”

 

“ _ alright. i have to go. go to sleep. _ ”

 

“okay.” the call clicks. 

 

he sits down on the floor, back against the counter, numb. he doesn’t realize who he’s called until the line stops ringing in his ear and his voice sounds, groggy and confused,  _ always confused _ . 

 

“ _ hello? sorry, i haven’t checked the caller id, who is this? _ ”

 

_ god fucking fuck- _

 

“oh sh-” jeongin hangs up, heart pounding. he’d just called  _ hyunjin _ , of all people.  _ idiot.  _

 

_ stupid. you’re daft, christ. _

 

his phone buzzes. it’s a text from  **_handsomejin_ ** . after not responding, chris is calling, and jeongin picks it up, trembling.

 

“ _ innie, is everything okay? _ ”

 

“bang chan, shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

 

“ _ i could say the same thing to you. _ ”

 

“you’re right.”

 

“ _ why- _ ” chris hesitates. “ _ why did you call jinnie and then, according to him, immediately hang up? _ ”

 

“that’s- that’s absurd. i didn’t do that.”

 

“ _ jeongin. _ ”

 

“it was an accident?”

 

“ _... _ ”

 

“okay, it- i didn’t really think about it, i meant to call… i dunno,  _ someone, _ but my fingers automatically went to his contact, and i’m- it was  _ technically  _ on purpose but i didn’t realize that i was calling  _ him  _ of all-”

 

“ _ breathe, bub. you want me to come over? what happened that made you call him? _ ”

 

“no, it’s okay. my, um, my mom called?”

 

“ _ innie… _ ”

 

“it’s not like anything happened. or anything.”  _ liar _ . “i just…” he trails off.

 

“ _ need someone to talk to? _ ”

 

he exhales in relief. “yeah.”

 

“ _ did she really not say anything? _ ”

 

“um. can we talk about something else?” a sigh of defeat, and then chris begins rambling about college and woojin. he starts falling asleep where he is, at 3 in the morning, the cold from the floor nothing compared to the warmth of chris’ words, lulling him into dreamland.

  
  


he wakes up when the sun is peeping through his windows. the house, as usual, is empty, but for reasons unknown, he feels like he's not alone.

 

the boys. 

 

he shoots up, excitement welling in his veins. finally, they were coming for fun again and not because his life and him are fucked up. jeongin could laugh into the silent air. instead, he gets ready. 

 

he stops briefly in front of the bathroom mirror, and is brought back to a moment that seems so long ago, though it's been  _ maybe _ two weeks. his dark circles are on par to then, maybe even worse, yet the frown twisting his mouth is a little different. still a little hopeless, still sad and scared, but there's something there that promises security. his hair covers his brows, shaggier and unkempt, and his face is thinner, paler. he’s a little shaky. 

 

but his friends are coming over. and then the next day he has a day off- maybe he’ll go to the park? and then monday is christmas eve,  _ renjun’s party _ . and then… christmas. after that, he can attempt to track down his grandmother.

 

maybe it’ll be a good week. 

 

_ it has to be a good week _ , he thinks, mind whisking from the letter to the money to the phone call.  _ it  _ has  _ to be. _

 

he showers none too quickly, his fingers getting squishy, before he finally hops out and wrestles into-  _ ugh _ \- another turtleneck.  _ when will these damn bruises leave me  _ alone _?  _ he doesn’t bother makeup, just brushes his hair out, cleans his teeth, and sets about making his kitchen fuller than it actually is so as not to arise suspicion. he lays out the necessary food they’ll inevitably ask for, hoping that they won’t go through his cabinets and fridge. he’ll just linger around the kitchen.

 

he moves the furniture in the living room around next, making space for nine of them to sleep (it’ll be cramped, but it’s not like they’re not cuddlers. honestly, everyone knows the kids have no fucking concept of personal space when it comes to one another). he lays out blankets and pillows, everything he can find throughout the house(excluding his parent’s things. he doesn’t want to go in there again, if he can help it). the clock tells him it’s 12. he can go to work now, he decides.

 

he gets there, thankfully less sick than the day before (but his nose is still runny) and gets to work. it’s probably the best day jeongin has had since before his depressive episode (he refuses to acknowledge that that’s what it is, though).

 

“hey, pirrie-hyung,” jeongin chirps, running a pledge-soaked washcloth over the counter that wonpil is sitting at. “how are you?” 

 

“i’m doing pretty decently, actually.” he takes a sip of tea from a huge starbucks cup and then beams. “dowoon, um… he-” he breaks off into embarrassed laughter, and jeongin can’t help but smile, too.

 

“he…” he urges, leaning against the counter. dowoon chooses that moment to walk out from the back room, stare at the scene unfolding, and attach himself to wonpil’s side, ears bright red. 

 

“i may or may not have given him a-” he mumbles the last part under his breath. at jeongin’s confused look, wonpil leans in close and whispers, “a promise ring.”

 

jeongin gapes for maybe two seconds, before he’s grinning so hard his cheeks hurt, and he whips around the counter to wrap them both in a hug. 

 

“congratulations, oh my  _ god _ , that’s- wow!” 

 

“yah, you guys get back to work,” brian calls, jae at his side as they make their way into the store. “what’s all the fuss about.” jeongin looks at wonpil and dowoon for confirmation, and they nod, so he turns back to the others.

 

“dowoon gave pirrie-hyung a fu- a frickin’ promise ring!” jae drops his bag, eyes wide behind his glasses. it’s the most fazed jeongin has ever seen him. brian’s grip slackens from jae’s waist, eyebrows shooting to the moon. 

 

“damn it!” jae suddenly cries out, but there’s a smile on his face. “we were supposed to do that, first!”

 

“yeah- wait, what?” brian turns to look at him, and jae sighs, shaking his head. 

 

“nothing, let’s just- everyone, back to work. congrats, you two.” 

 

the rest of the work day went by normally, and jeongin sneaks into sungjin’s office to tell him that he’s working on christmas. he leaves before sungjin can (inevitably) yell at him and make him stay home.

 

when he gets home, he opens the group chat and tells them to come in about an hour and a half, maybe around 6, and then begins to work diligently on financing the rest of his break. he has a notebook out and everything, several pieces of crumpled paper surrounding him as  he tries for the third time to make math check out, and to be able to afford food  _ and  _ school lunch. 

 

_ okay, if i have ￦28,000 from my  _ _ fuckin’ bitchass homophobic  _ _ mom and half of my paycheck from sungjin, which is another 28k, and groceries cost roughly 28,000 per week if i get them at the lowest prices, that leaves me with 28,000. christmas gifts, toothpaste, windex, shoes, no breakfast (no lunch?), just dinner... _

 

a whole 28k￦ for the last items of the list. that’s probably not enough. maybe he can go to the thrift store and get a new pair of shoes instead of getting nice ones?

 

_ i guess i could make that work, but it’s not- _ he crushes the paper, frustration filling him. he chucks the paper at the wall, before taking a deep breath and starting over. and again. he makes a list of necessities and then tries to cut down on what he absolutely doesn’t need. he hardly notices when a chaotic knock sounds at the door. 

 

“yo, innie-bobinnie, let us the fuc-  _ ow,  _ sorry, hyung- frick in!” jisung. jeongin stares down at his (also hardly successful plan) and shoves it in a drawer, throwing all of the paper balls that he sees in the trash. 

 

when he swings open the door, there’s seven of them. he does a headcount. seungmin is missing, which makes sense, because of his brother’s recent development. jisung grins at him and pushes past gently, skipping into the living room with minho following tiredly behind. 

 

“wahhhhh, jeonginnie, you  _ did  _ that!” he screeches in jisung fashion, probably in the living room. everyone else files in after, chris stopping next to him as the last person. jeongin shuts the door behind him, but chris pins him in his place with a look.

 

“hey bub, how are you?” typical dad. 

 

“oh, i’m actually not bad, just a little stressed,” jeongin confesses. chris nods, wrapping an arm around him and dragging him into the living room, where felix and hyunjin have already closed the blinds and changbin is setting up the movie. minho’s settled in next to jisung, and they’re bickering about something stupid, as far as jeongin can tell. which means woojin is in the kitchen.

 

_ oh, no _ . 

 

jeongin darts out of chris’ hold and skids into the kitchen, where woojin is popping the popcorn in the microwave and tapping away on his phone, walking over to the fridge. the almost empty fridge. 

 

the youngest sprints in front of him, and woojin gently collides into him.

 

“w- innie, what was that all about?” he asks amusedly. 

 

“you’re the guests, hyung, i’ll get it, no worries!” he wraps his arms around the older man, which has woojin’s shoulders shaking in laughter. he pats jeongin’s head but changes course, hovering by the microwave again. 

 

jeongin pretends to sift through the (fake) contents of the fridge before pulling out two two liters of coke. he pours it into 8 glasses and hands some to woojin, depositing the rest back into the fridge for seungmin. together, they bring the drinks and popcorn to the boys, who accept graciously.

 

“hey, by the way, where’ seungmin?” felix asks, curled into changbin’s side on the floor. 

 

“ah, his brother wonpil just got a promise ring, so they’re probably freaking out about that.” it’s the wrong thing to say. everyone turns towards him.

 

“he hasn’t, uh, mentioned that to any of us, has he?” changbin glances around. no one speaks up.  _ crap crap crap-  _ jisung is watching him, and seems to realize something.

 

“ah, no, innie mentioned to me earlier, he bumped into wonpil-ssi.”  _ god bless jisung _ . 

 

“yeah, pirrie-hyung was super proud and all that. it’s a pretty ring, dowoon-hyung really did it to em.” hyunjin’s eyebrows are furrowed, and everyone else looks confused.  _ i’m really diggin myself into a fucking hole _ . 

 

“when did you get so close to wonpil-hyung and his boyfriend?” he asks slowly. jeongin blinks thrice. 

 

“oh, it’s when i went to seungminnie-hyung’s house yesterday. and dowoon was with pirrie-hyung when i bumped into them. so. yeah.” chris and hyunjin both see through his lies, he can tell. the others seem fine leaving it at that, but chris has the Look ™ on his face that says he’s not gonna let it go so easily. hyunjin is still watching him, though when their eyes meet he looks back at the title screen on the tv. 

 

“can we just watch the damn- oh, c’mon, woojin-hyung, that’s not even a  _ curse word _ \-  _ anyways _ , can we just watch the movie?” jeongin nods and crosses his legs on the empty armchair, pulling a blanket over himself and pressing play. he avoids looking at the others. 

 

it’s a good twenty minutes until the door is opening and seungmin enters the room, immediately deciding it’s  _ annoy jeongin  _ time and sitting on top of him.

 

“sorry everyone, my brother was freaking out about his boyfriend and a promise ring.” the rest of the group nods, saying their hellos and turning back to shrek-  _ shrek? really changbin? _ “what, no excitement? it’s the equivalent of saying, ‘hey, we’re gonna get married eventually’.”

 

“innie already mentioned it,” chris says, eyes sharpening as they land on jeongin, who burrows further underneath seungmin. 

 

“ah, okay.”  _ one, two _ \- “wait-” 

 

“i ran into him. he showed me.” seungmin accepts it and shrugs, and jeongin pushes him off to get up. “i’m gonna go get you some coke.” and then he escapes to the kitchen, finally breathing. he shakily pours seungmin a glass, leaning against the counter. his anxiety is spiking. 

 

someone comes into the kitchen right as he closes the fridge.

 

“you didn’t look so good out there,” felix explains, sitting on the counter. “so i came to check on you.” 

 

“is being an emotional support person in you and chan-hyung’s contract of friendship or something?” jeongin asks weakly, getting up next to felix, who’s laughing. “is it in your australian genes?” 

 

“my jeans aren’t australian, jeongin. these are  _ levi’s _ .” and then he bursts into hysterics again, jeongin face palming but giggling nonetheless. 

 

“you’re really dumb,” he deadpans, raising his eyebrows at felix. the other still has his blinding smile on.

 

“i try,” he replies, hopping off the counter. jeongin follows him, picking up the coke. 

 

and then felix stops, leans down, picks something up. jeongin doesn’t think much of it, until-

 

“innie, what’s this doing here?” it’s a crumpled piece of paper. jeongin is a fucking dumbass. 

 

“oh, uh, nothing, please hand that over to me and i’ll throw it away.” his voice sounds a little panicked. felix grins wickedly.

 

“is it something  _ embarrassing _ ?” he teases, taking a step into the other room. jeongin takes a step towards him, too. 

 

“no, i really- please, don’t, uh, read it, it’s private-” and then felix is taking off, thinking everything’s a joke. against his will, tears well in jeongin’s eyes, and he tries to keep up with felix. he needs that paper to specifically  _ not  _ be read. the older boy finally collapses against changbin, and jeongin is already too late, because the other is unfolding it.  _ shit-  _

 

“ah, wow, look at the time. i’m gonna, um, go-” he watches as felix’s face changes from joy to confusion, eyebrows knitting together. changbin mirrors his expression, reading over his boyfriend’s shoulder. 

 

“jeongin…” the older of the two looks up at him, eyes wide. “what is this?”

 

“uh... a class assignment?” he tries. he knows it’s not gonna work. not with chris leaning down from the couch to see it, not with woojin doing the same. not with seungmin, who’s sitting next to him, getting up to read it. hyunjin follows shortly thereafter, until all of them are reading jeongin’s fate. “um-”

 

“yang jeongin.” chris is standing, and oh  _ no _ , he looks so angry. “let me ask you again.  _ what is this _ ?”

 

“it says clearly there on the paper,” jeongin says quietly, fear laced within his tone. chris doesn’t seem to notice it. 

 

“why- why would you-” he takes a step forward.

 

_ “what,” she hisses finally, standing up as well and taking a step towards him threatenly.  _

 

_ -and suddenly she’s rushing at him and her fingers encircle his throat- _

 

_ -the fingers around his neck twined together into a rope, and suddenly he's suspended in midair,  _ chris  _ watching in disdain- _

 

_ you’re not my son. _

 

_ stop breathing. _

 

jeongin stumbles back into the wall, vision blurry with tears, shoulders in to protect him from-  _ something _ . he squeezes his eyes shut and sinks to the ground.  _ no please i’m sorry _ -

 

“ _ i’m sorry please don’t _ -” 

 

he can’t see it, but chris’ face transforms immediately into one of horror, as does the rest of his friends. he makes to go to the boy. it scares jeongin more, who hides behind his arms, breath shallow and fast. everyone is frozen. 

 

_ a broken boy, sinking day by day. _

 

he hears shouting, but it’s not at him. footsteps, running toward him, arms encircling him and hiding him away.

 

_ they’re not threatening this time, but comforting-  _

 

the parallels throw him off, and he distantly registers being picked up, being carried away- not far this time. he’s in his  _ own  _ kitchen, but it’s still him.

 

it’s still hyunjin.

 

he’s whispering now, instead of shouting, sitting across from jeongin with one hand on his face, one on his neck. it’s oddly comforting. 

 

“it’s okay, innie, come back,” he says softly. his face is the picture of fear. of heartbreak. “c’mon baby, you can come back.” the younger’s eyes slip shut, and he’s pulled into hyunjin’s chest. breathing not calm, scared but  _ comforting _ . “she’s not here, okay? chan-hyung would never hurt you.  _ we  _ would never, ever hurt you, innie. it’s okay.” jeongin is crying, and he doesn’t remember when exactly it starts, but he feels it get harder and shake him against hyunjin’s chest.

 

_ he’s crying too _ , jeongin realizes slowly. he pulls back a little. he hears the other boys in the living room. he hears the fear in their voices. the sobbing that’s no longer from him. he meets hyunjin’s eyes.

 

“i’m sorry,” he whispers, voice weak. hyunjin pets down his hair, tears still overflowing.

 

“why are you sorry? you have nothing to be sorry for.” the older’s voice is broken too.

 

“i’m sorry for- for everything. i’m  _ so sorry, i didn’t mean to like you, i didn’t mean to get scared- _ ” he starts crying again, at this point no filter over his words. hyunjin holds his face and heart in his hands, wiping the younger’s tears away even though his own still flow. 

 

“innie,  _ innie,  _ it’s okay, it’s not anything to apologize for. it’s okay, baby.”  _ baby _ \- it makes him cry more, but before he even realizes it they have each other in a death grip, his own arms around hyunjin’s waist and hyunjin’s around his neck. they stay like that, just hugging, comforting, holding, until jeongin pulls away and stands up unsteadily. hyunjin reaches down and intertwines their fingers. they walk out into the living room together.

 

everyone’s a mess, chris most of all. the blond is crying into woojin’s shoulder, saying something over and over that jeongin can’t make out. 

 

felix gets to him first. he just stands in front of jeongin, eyes red and puffy, shaking a little. “innie-”

jeongin just opens his arms a little, and they’re hugging. he feels people join in, much like the last time they all hung out at jeongin’s. eight. eight boys, huddled together, ridding jeongin of his leftover fears. he pulls away, looks at the couch. chris is hunched over himself, trembling like a leaf. 

 

“hyung,” jeongin says quietly, walking over. he doesn’t notice that hyunjin’s hand is still in his, that both of them don’t let go. he kneels in front of his oldest friend, of the man he loves so much, of the person who has been taking care of him for what feels like forever. “hyung.” chris breaks, sobbing again, and jeongin carefully opens his arms and burrows into the older’s chest, whose arms immediately find place around him. 

 

“innie, i’m so sorry, i’m  _ so so sorry _ .” 

 

“it’s okay, it’s always okay, you really didn’t mean to. i- i didn’t tell you about it, you had- have every right to be angry.” he pulls away, just a little, two people now refusing to let him go. “everyone, as you read, my mom decided to teach me a-a lesson, so i don’t have very much money. and i’m close to wonpil and dowoon and brian because i work with them, because i can’t-i can’t really afford much right now. and i really wanted to get you christmas presents, but i- i don’t- i can’t. i’m sorry about keeping this a secret, i just really didn’t want to worry anyone. if that makes sense. i’m sorry.” it’s silent for a second or two, and then hyunjin tackles both chris and jeongin in a hug, and then so do the others. 

 

eventually, they separate just enough so that everyone’s on the floor, and hyunjin is on one side and chris is on his other, the other boys surrounding them, falling asleep to the sound of donkey looking for  _ blue flower red thorns. _

 

_ the broken boy stays afloat.  _

 

he decides then that there will be no more secrets. he’ll tell them about his mother’s letter in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the (not nearly finished) reconciliation we have all been waiting for!!  
> poor fuckin innie i am SO sorry sweetie  
> but hyunjin!!! good job not being a dick! congratulations!!!   
> can't wait to see how christopher bang bang! reacts to jeongin's madre's letter   
> we shall see!!!  
> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!!!! <3!!


	15. i will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: little re-mention of some things, nothing really new.

 

unfortunately, friendship and cuddling doesn’t usually cure insomnia, so jeongin wakes up at 4:30. it’s still better than normal, so he’s not too upset.

 

he’s completely warm. not uncomfortably so, but to the point where it’s not normal in his glacial house. his eyes are still sewn shut from sleep, and one of his arms is trapped underneath something. he cracks one eye open.

 

to his left is chris, who isn’t snoring, but breathing deeply and  _ actually sleeping  _ for once, which is nice. he’s curled up, an arm gently hugging himself around the waist. the youngest looks to his other side.

 

hyunjin  _ is  _ snoring. not loud, but enough so that it’s obvious. one hand is folded daintily near his face, like some sort of  [ princess ](https://twitter.com/tyleroakley/status/402033556870156288) . the other reaches own, fingers loosely entangled with jeongin’s. his head rests on the younger’s arm. his nose is partially buried in the crook of jeongin’s elbow. 

 

another unfortunate thing is that jeongin’s arm is going completely numb. like, buzzing painfully type of numb. he tugs it gently from under hyunjin, holding his breath. when he finally manages without waking the other, he looks down at their hands, wondering if it would be easy to-

 

“innie?” jeongin’s head whips up at the slurred mumble, meeting hyunjin’s mostly closed eyes. “where you goin’?” his hand tightens around jeongin’s. “wha’ time is it?”

 

“it’s pretty early in the morning, jin,” jeongin says softly, not bothering with honorifics. “you should go back to sleep.” hyunjin groans in response, and tugs his arm. 

 

“i’m not goin’ back to sleep if you’re not,” he grumbles, but his eyes have fallen closed.

 

“hyunjin…” jeongin’s thoughts aren’t working quite right, and even in the dark of his house, even with it presumably snowing due to the lack of light from the lamps outside, the other looks beautiful. mussed up, tired, and horribly endearing. his hair frizzes up around him ( _ he looks emo _ , jeongin thinks to himself) and his shirt is a little tugged down. 

 

and jeongin  _ wants _ .

 

he wants to go back to sleep like it’s easy, he wants to hold his hand tighter, he  _ wants  _ to come closer. but that would be taking advantage, something he wouldn’t dream of doing. 

 

but then hyunjin decides for him, scooting way too close and pressing his face into jeongin’s neck. his unoccupied hand slithers its way under jeongin.

 

“please?” he asks, already knowing jeongin’s answer. the younger obliges. 

 

that is to say, he stays. he doesn’t really fall asleep again, just allows himself to enjoy the feeling of hyunjin pressed so close, and the smell of his shampoo, and of the feeling of his fingers brushing the back of his hand. it’s nice. it’s _ so  _ nice.

 

_ whoever gets the privilege of being loved by this boy is one lucky bitch, _ he thinks, trying not to jump when the other snuggles into him more, hair tickling jeongin’s jawline. 

 

they lay for another solid two and a half hours, and jeongin is bored out of his  _ mind _ . he can’t just lay there anymore, because he’ll think himself into a hole. 

 

as if there was something proving his wakefulness, a hand brushes his shoulder. he jerks his head over, meeting chris’ eyes. he looks tired still, sighing heavily as his eyes study jeongin and hyunjin’s position. okay, so  _ maybe  _ jeongin is pleading with his eyes for his hyung to free him. 

 

“innie, go back to sleep,” he whispers, pushing off the ground and stretching, then plopping onto the couch above hyunjin. 

 

“i’ve been awake and like this since 4:30, hyung. it’s 7 now. please help.” chris smiles a little, and then his eyes dart a little to hyunjin’s right.  _ seungmin _ . 

 

“okay, here’s what we’re gonna do,” he maintains his quiet voice. “i’m gonna push seungmin over to hug hyunjin from behind, and jinnie will probably-  _ hopefully _ \- take the bait and turn over. just… remove your arms as best you can.” he sounds too amused. jeongin nods and slowly lifts his hand out of hyunjin’s while retracting his other arm. 

 

the sleeping hyunjin makes a snuffling sound and throws his leg over jeongin’s waist in response.  _ fuckin- _

 

chris has the audacity to propel his upper body forward, trying desperately not to burst out laughing.

 

“don’t you laugh at  _ me,  _ crispy,” jeongin hisses, eyes darting to seungmin. “hurry!  _ hurry! _ ” this time chris  _ does  _ laugh, small and not loud enough to wake up anyone.

 

“oh my fuckin- it’s a weekend, hyung, just because  _ you  _ can’t sleep doesn’t mean  _ we  _ can’t,” seungmin grumbles from the other side of hyunjin. so, maybe it  _ was _ loud enough to wake someone up. but luckily, it’s  _ just  _ the person they need.

 

“seungmin-hyung, hey, hyung, help!” he’s practically wheezing now, because with hyunjin’s hand untangled from his, his other arm has naturally wrapped around jeongin, hand on the back of his head. seungmin’s eyes twinkle with both pity  _ and  _ mirth.

 

“what do you want  _ me  _ to do about it?”

 

“hug him and go back to sleep. he’ll let  _ go  _ of me and you both get cuddled. win-win-win situation. please hur-” his last word is cut off when jeongin’s face is gently (re: almost violently) but firmly tugged into hyunjin’s shoulder. the  _ still sleeping  _ (seriously,  _ how?????? _ ) older sighs in content. 

 

there’s another bark of laughter, followed by a smack and a hiss. jeongin is as tense as possible in this situation, but he tries to relax. this is fine. they’ve done this before. it’s fine, they’re best friends.

 

granted, it was before he confessed. and he’s not sure if they’re  _ still  _ best friends, but. whatever. it’s fine that his heart is absolutely pounding out of his chest and there are actual fucking magpies in his stomach. 

 

but then a hand wiggles in between their stomachs, and hyunjin’s grip loosens. just a little. then jeongin’s kicked in the ribs (he assumes it’s seungmin wrapping his legs around hyunjin, but it still  _ hurt,  _ thankyouverymuch), and suddenly jeongin can escape. 

 

escape he does- he rolls backwards, right into felix. chan is silently losing it on the couch, wheezing with a hand clamped over his mouth. seungmin’s eyes peek over hyunjin’s shoulder, little crescents of evil, but he closes them and gets comfortable, obviously trying to go back to sleep. felix, the fucking octopus, has changbin tucked into his side, and the other side of him is splayed out like a starfish. when jeongin comes in contact with one of his tentacles-  _ arms- _ it begins to try and twine around him and pull him in. jeongin makes a panicked noise and flies up, stumbling over and landing on top of chris. at this point, the older actually begins going  _ hysterical _ , cackling loudly. it would make all of their work for naught, so jeongin tugs him up and sprints up the stairs with chris in tow. finally they collapse a good distance from the others, and jeongin can’t help but giggle madly too.

 

when they both calm down, chris pulls jeongin over, hugging him gently. jeongin’s heart pools with warmth.

 

“what’s this for, hyung?” he asks quietly, resting his cheek on the older’s shoulder. chris sighs shakily.

 

“i missed you being safe,” is all he says, and there’s a pang of deep affection and melancholy churning in jeongin’s chest. “i missed this side of you, and of them. and i’m sorry, innie. i’m so sorry.”

 

“bang chan,” jeongin scolds, pulling away, looking chris in the eyes. “stop  _ apologizing _ . if it were anyone else, that would’ve been a perfectly acceptable gesture.”

 

“but it’s not anyone else,” chan points out, tone defeated.  _ he’s so hard on himself _ , the younger thinks to himself. “i hope i can be a better-”

 

“do not finish that sentence.” jeongin yanks chris in again, holding him tightly. “you are the best friend that i’ve ever had, and ever  _ will  _ have. you- do you even realize the gravity of your existence in my life?”

 

“d’you realize  _ yours _ ?” chris fires back, letting all of his weight on jeongin and causing them to both tumble over. “you’re… innie, i know you don’t tell us a lot of what you’re going through. i know that what  _ she’s _ said has impacted you far more than you’d ever admit to us. and i think sometimes  _ you  _ think you’re a bad friend.” he takes a deep breath, feeling jeongin freeze up underneath him. “we love you. all eight of us. you’re the light of our lives, and we would and will do everything to protect you. you’re an amazing kid, innie. you’re one of the reasons i’m sitting here having this conversation.”

 

“what?” does that mean-

 

“i… i’ve had my own share of bad thoughts. jeongin... when we became friends in your freshman year of high school, you literally saved my life. i was… you know how i was.” jeongin  _ does  _ know how chris was. he was sickly and tired,  _ so tired _ . he was angry all the time, curt and isolated. left behind. he didn’t want friends, or the family he didn’t have. he didn’t want  _ himself _ . “you changed that. and i hope… god, i hope that we can change it for you, too. i’ll do everything in my fucking power as a semi-broke college kid to get you out of this forsaken house. and so will the others. because we love you, and we never want to lose you. to anything. okay?” they’re both crying a little. it’s the saddest and happiest jeongin has ever felt.  _ safe _ . 

 

“okay, but- but the same goes for you guys, hyung. i have something- one more thing- to tell you. it’s… hard. to tell. i dunno.” he pushes off the ground, helping chris up. “let’s go pour some cereal, and then i’ll tell y’all.” chris nods, and they go hand in hand down the stairs.

 

woojin is awake when they get there, having been smacked in the face one too many times by jisung while he slept pinned to minho. he’s sitting at the kitchen table, cup of coffee (where’d he get that?) in hand. his eyes land on chris first, and he gives him a worried look at his red eyes. he stands and comes around the table, still half asleep, and envelops his boyfriend in a hug. jeongin tries to let go of his hand, but chris doesn’t comply, instead pulling him in between his parental friends.

 

they prepare cereal when they part (though really, they hold off on the milk until the boys wake up) and sit at the kitchen table. 

 

“how’d you two sleep?” woojin asks, disarming smile in place. 

 

“uh.” jeongin looks at chris.

 

“well…” chris looks back at jeongin.

 

“but hyung,” jeongin nudges him. “when i woke up, you were asleep!”

 

“yeah, well, i had  _ just  _ fallen asleep when you woke up. and while you were pretending to sleep, i was awake as well. i just wasn’t sure if you were, uh,  _ actually  _ asleep.”

 

“so we’re both frauds, then.” jeongin grimaces. 

 

“what i’m understanding is that you didn’t sleep well?” woojin concludes. the other two nod. “at least the other kids are doing well-” a scream sounds from the living room. jeongin is the first one to fly through the kitchen to see what it is.

 

felix has hyunjin in a choke hold, seungmin filming and jisung throwing pillows at the pair. he accidentally rips out the one from under minho’s head and swings it, and minho grabs his ankle and yanks him to the ground. the 00’s line bursts into hysterics, waking up changbin, who wraps two thick arms around felix and tugs him back. felix smacks him in the face on accident. woojin walks in behind chris, takes one look, and walks back out again. chris is facepalming next to jeongin.

 

“guys, cereal is available,”jeongin yells into the chaos. everyone stops moving. 

 

“brother,” jisung says calmly. he stands, and there’s a specific “chaotic bastard” look on his face. “may i have some lööps?” jeongin backs away, hands held out in front of him.

 

“g’day mates, i’m steve irwin, and you’re watching animal planet,” chan spectates with a strong accent. “here we have a wild squirrel gearing to charge at a helpless fox. looks like there’s no escaping-  _ oh _ , there you  _ have it _ , the rodent charges but- would’ye look a’ this, the fox has gone in for the kill- and jisung is down!”

 

“can you all shut  _ up _ ,” minho groans from the floor, face down. 

 

“what a mess,” chris sighs, and then claps his hands together. jeongin gets off of jisung and helps the other to his feet, and one by one they make it to the kitchen.

 

as soon as they’re all gathered there, the maknae watches them look back at him expectantly. he figures it’s as good a time as any to talk about things.

 

“okay, first things first.” he takes a deep breath. “we all now know about my… shortage of money. that’s, uh, common knowledge. but i’m not accepting donations.  _ also _ , i’m gonna be working on christmas-” he raises his hand as everyone began to protest. “because i know most of you will be spending it with your families. and that’s perfectly okay. now onto something a little more serious.”

 

“as if you not being able to afford lucky charms isn’t serious,” minho mumbles under his breath. jeongin ignores it and rises from his seat. he waves away the questioning looks and bounds up the stairs, returning with the letter. he sets it neatly on the table in front of him and sits down.

 

“this is something my mother wrote and addressed to  _ her  _ mother; she just never sent it. it’s… kind of rough. yeah.”

 

“i can read it aloud if you’d like?” seungmin suggests, being the best at staying vocally neutral. the youngest nods and hands him the paper.

 

_ mom, _

 

_ you were right about only having one child. it never works out. but, my husband insisted. _

 

_ sometimes, i get a little drunk and knock sense into him. you remember when father did that to my brother? chiwon couldn't survive it because he was weak. his emotions got the better of him. i never understood why father was guilty. _ ” silence. they’re all staring at the table in complete shock.

 

“ _ my son, i think, is strong. he takes it well, always improves. i just hope he doesn't end up like chiwon. that would be disappointing, to find him gone by his own hands. _ ” seungmin pauses, waiting for the chaos generated from his words to subside a little. “ _ but what am i to do then? a disgrace in life, a disgrace to die. do i chain him to the house like a dog so he can’t embarrass me, or cast him out so he doesn’t have the chance? _ ” jeongin feels his nose twitch, but there’s no welling of terror in his veins, no horror to paint his features to make them mirror his friends’.  he feels apathetic, detached, indifferent. in the end, his mother isn’t here, and he’s still alone. 

 

“and that’s the tea,” jeongin quips when seungmin lies the letter down flat, picking it up and folding it again. he slides it in a drawer with his mother’s other letter. “but-”

 

“innie,” changbin says softly, hand resting on the youngest’s head. “are you okay?” jeongin pauses.

 

_ am i okay _ ?

 

the correct answer is probably no. 

 

he sits in his house in the dark everyday after school. during school, he occupies himself with everything schoolwork and more, to distract from going home again. he can’t sleep at night, has anxiety every second of the year, and feels like something heavy is pressing on his chest constantly. he works because otherwise he can’t afford food. his mother physically abuses him when she’s drunk and mentally abuses him regardless of her sobriety. he’s working on christmas. he’s stuck, no way out. his best friend rejected him and then didn’t speak a word to him for a week straight. there are still bruises ringing his neck.

 

and yet.

 

yet despite everything, the honest answer might just be yes.

 

because his friends breathe life and soul into his otherwise corpse-like body. they hold him up when he starts to fall and keep him safe when he stands up too fast again. they bring him close so that he’s not frozen by his frigid thoughts, and they make him see that he’s not entirely dependent. after all, he takes care of himself in the big empty house of his; too much, too often. he goes to work to do something that’s better than being isolated in his ‘home’, and sees his new hyungs there. 

 

finally, he settles on, “i will be.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so shitty i'm so soRRY  
> no development in hyunin's storyline but we'll get there!
> 
> thank you for reading! pls leave comme ts and kudos!!! <3!


	16. boy with luv

 

 

hyunjin

 

jeongin mentions something about a christmas eve party that’s supposed to be on monday. everyone leaves his house eventually, and with great reluctance.

 

hyunjin stays behind. his mind keeps curling around the younger’s words the night before.

 

-i’m  _ so sorry, i didn’t mean to like you- _

 

he didn’t mean to like hyunjin.

 

sort of like hyunjin isn’t supposed to like him back.

 

he doesn’t! he doesn’t.  _ i don’t _ . he’s straight, he doesn’t like a  _ boy _ .

 

but as he sits next to jeongin waiting for the younger to talk, or maybe considering what to say himself, his heart keeps catching on  _ completely in love with you _ and  _ i didn’t mean to like you _ . finally, jeongin breaks the silence.

 

“so,” he begins nervously. “i know that…  _ you  _ know. obviously. and i know that it’s not reciprocated. which, yeah, duh. i was just hoping… i  _ am  _ hoping, that we can go back to how it was. like, y’know, before… that night. and that morning... yeah.”

 

hyunjin should be relieved. he should be jumping for joy. he doesn’t feel obligated to like the younger boy, he doesn’t have to feel guilty about it anymore.

 

but maybe that’s not the only thing he’s guilty for. regardless, he swallows it down.

 

“yeah, that’s definitely doable.” it’s definitely not. he can’t stop thinking  _ completely in love with you completely in love with you completely in love with you _ \- “i just need to apologize.”

 

“for what?”

 

“the way that that day went down… the way i’ve been treating you, isn’t okay.” his mind drifts to donghyuck. his fingers unintentionally cl0se around the couch cushions. “i have no right- you’re my best friend. and i’ve been a fuckhead and a dick. it’s not okay, and i’m really sorry. you have to know that i lo-” his heart lurches at his own stupid choice of words. “that i really care about you.” he finally looks up at jeongin.

 

the boy is staring at his hands where they rest on his folded knees. his face is blank, eyes soft and posture sad. hyunjin can’t bare to look any longer, and yet he can’t turn away. he’s never been able to turn away. 

 

_ hey, leave jeongin alone by that logic, dickhead. he’s not yours to be jealous for- _

 

“i told you, jinnie-hyung,” jeongin says softly, not looking up. “it’s alright. your reaction was founded.”

 

“no, it-” hyunjin takes a deep breath.

 

_ what is your problem? what r-right do you have?! _

 

“it wasn’t right.” he stands. “i need to get home, but please text me, okay?”

 

“as long as you mean it. that we can put it behind us.” jeongin is standing too, and follows him to the door. hyunjin can’t help it, he really can’t. he whips around and pulls the other into a tight hug. jeongin starts, but he doesn’t tug away. his arms hesitantly squeeze back, and hyunjin absolutely  _ hates _ himself. 

 

“of course, bub,” he says hoarsely. they stay like that in jeongin’s doorway for a solid minute, before finally pulling away and waving. without another word, he goes home.

 

he sits in his room, avoiding his sister and parents, who sit in the kitchen bickering and playing around like he should be. 

 

instead he’s having an identity crisis, because-

 

_ “we need to talk.” _

 

_ “wh- seungminnie, i’m really not in the mood right now.” _

 

_ “i don’t give two shits.” seungmin sat down in his desk chair, a fair distance from where hyunjin was laying, soaking in guilt atop his bed spread. “you’re genuinely pathetic, and i’m royally pissed.” _

 

_ “i know.” _

 

_ “what the fuck is wrong with you?” _

 

_ “i don’t know.” _

 

_ “make up your fucking mind, you daft bastard,” seungmin snarled, but underneath his malice was concern. hyunjin knew him long enough to know that. “whatever you did today… whatever that was, between you and hyuck… you need to explain. like,  _ right now _.” _

 

_ “i told you, i don’t-!” hyunjin violently threw himself out of bed, pacing. seungmin watched him, unimpressed. “i don’t know!! jaemin stands too close to him, and he held his hand! he already  _ has _ two boyfriends! and, and,  _ i’m  _ the one who has to protect jeongin! not him! not them. he’s  _ my _ -” _

 

_ “your what?” seungmin interrupted, standing abruptly. he walked up to hyunjin and stopped him from pacing. “what about him is remotely yours, besides the part of him you  _ crushed _? huh?”  _

 

_ “i don’t-” _

 

_ “ _ what?  _ you don’t  _ what _?! own him? you’re right!” _

 

_ “i know i don’t own him-” _

 

_ “then stop fucking acting like it-” _

 

_ “it’s not-” _

 

_ “stop it-” _

 

_ “i don’t care! i don’t know  _ why _ i’m like this but i can’t-” suddenly hyunjin jerked to the side, stumbling into his desk. seungmin stood in the center of the room, rubbing the palm of his hand. the taller boy realized with a shock that seungmin just slapped him. _

 

_ “hwang hyunjin. he is  _ not yours. _ ” _

 

_ the words felt like more of a hit than the one landed on his face only moments before. _

 

_ “he is not yours to be possessive over,” seungmin continued, grabbing his arm gently and pulling him down to sit on the bed together. “he is not  _ yours _ , period. but you want him to be.” _

 

_ “no i don’t.” he sounded unsure even to himself.  _

 

_ “yeah, you do.” _

 

_ “you’re- that’s dumb. i don’t like boys.” _

 

_ “maybe not, but you like  _ a  _ boy. one in particular.” _

 

_ “that can’t…” _

 

_ “hyunjin.” seungmin did the unexpected- he pulled hyunjin into a hug. the latter hadn’t even realized there were tears in his eyes. “it’s okay to like anyone, you know? i know you  _ know  _ that, but- it’s okay for  _ you  _ to like anyone.” _

 

_ “it’s- it’s wrong to- to like...” hyunjin hated that he said it. he hated himself for that, but seungmin wasn’t offended. he just sighed softly and held him tighter.  _

 

_ “i know that it’s what you’ve been taught. and i know you’ve never… thought about this. but it’s not wrong. not really. you love who you love. why would God hate such a wonderful thing such as that, jinnie? isn’t that like, i dunno, his  _ thing _ , or whatever?” hyunjin laughed a little wetly. seungmin wasn’t... wrong, per say. “so what if some old white men wrote something that, no offense, but for all we know, is just their opinion, huh? why would we take their words over the one being who is supposed to be the father of all, the one who watches and cares for us?”  _

 

_ “did you pull that out of your ass, or-” seungmin snorted. _

 

_ “i’ll hit you again,” he said threateningly, and hyunjin threw his hands up in surrender. “and no. i’ve been…” he hesitated. “saving that. for when you came to your senses.” _

 

_ “what- what do you  _ mean _ , ‘came to my senses’?” _

 

_ “i’ve always had my suspicions,” he shrugged. “you know how uncommon it is for  _ one  _ straight kid to be in a  _ group  _ of gays, a gay-ggle, if you will? we flock together, dude.” hyunjin blinked. this was… _

 

_ “you look like your head is gonna explode.” seungmin sighed again- he could make a profession out of it, hyunjin figured- and stood from the bed. “think about it. it doesn’t have to be true, but it also doesn’t at  _ all  _ excuse your behavior. you need to apologize, soon. i’ve gotta go.” hyunjin watched him leave. _

 

it certainly was a groundbreaking conversation, and the more hyunjin thinks about it, the more it makes sense. he thinks about how for some reason, when jeongin had confessed, this sense of great adrenaline filled him before immediately been washed over by terror. he thinks about how when he was younger, he never really ever thought about girls. he talks big about how much he wants a girlfriend, about how he just _can’t_ _wait_ for the right girl to come around. 

 

but honestly, he didn’t care all that much- still doesn’t. all those love confessions never made his heart flutter with anything other than guilt for his own lack of interest.

 

by now, he’s completely frozen in his spot, in the very same place he watched jeongin run out from. 

 

_ does this mean i’m gay? does this mean i have to tell my parents? _ he shakes his head fiercely. would they even accept him? would his sister accept him? he knows, at the very least, his friends will, but-

 

but jeongin.

 

_ completely in love with you- _

 

_ he’s not yours to be jealous for- _

 

_ what r-right do you have?! _

 

_ he is not  _ yours _ , period. but you want him to be. _

 

_ you like  _ a  _ boy. one in particular. _

 

_ sort of like hyunjin isn’t supposed to like him back. _

 

he likes jeongin.

 

he  _ likes  _ jeongin. 

 

he always gets inexplicably mad when anything, regardless of how minor it is, happens to the boy. he calls him baby from time to time. he gets jealous. he holds his hand and feels joy bloom in the form of a parting of his lips, smiling widely every time. he felt more pain than he thought possible when jeongin ran out after confessing. he felt so wrong saying that they “couldn’t”. 

 

he even kissed his fucking bandaid.

 

he’s in love with the fact that jeongin loves him.

 

he’s in love with  _ jeongin _ . 

 

he collapses back against his bed, but he forgets that he’s tall, so he slams his head and part of his shoulders on the wall. he yelps and dramatically rolls onto the floor.

 

there’s a pounding noise up the stairs, and the door swings open.

 

“the hell is your problem, bro?” his sister stands at the door, an eyebrow raised. 

 

“i just realized i’m in  _ love _ , i’m gonna yeet into another dimen- oh, fuck.” he springs up, ignoring the slight throbbing of his stupid head, and stares wide eyed at yoohyeon. 

 

“in  _ love _ , huh?” she stalks over (not really, but hyunjin is very emotionally charged at the moment) and sits on the desk chair, crossing her arms. “spill. which gal at the school? i knew  _ all _ of the popular ones.” hyunjin opens his mouth to respond, but only a squeak comes out. yoohyeon’s face becomes eerily similar to seungmin’s- ahem, autocorrect. * _ a demon’s _ . “or perhaps… a  _ boy _ ?”

 

“w-wh _ aT?  _ i- i’m the straightest guy out there. i don’t like a boy. that’s fuckin- why would you think  _ that _ ?” vaguely panicked, hyunjin fails to notice that yoohyeon softens a little.

 

“chill, it’s not a bad thing. but i know i’m right. you have  _ That Vibe _ . is it-”

 

“don’t!” hyunjin shrieks, covering his face. “don’t guess who it is!”

 

“it’s not min, cuz your energy isn’t quite right together.” she pauses, looking at his shrinking form. “is it… innie?” hyunjin squeaks again. “he’s a cutie.” at that, the boy jerks out of his hands, glaring through red-rimmed eyes. yoohyeon rolls her own. “i’m not  _ interested, _ dumbass. wow, you’re quite the jealous type, aren’t you?” 

 

“you can’t tell mom and dad,” he says, a little desperately. yoohyeon frowns at him.

 

“just because they believe in and celebrate God doesn’t mean that they’re homophobic, jin.”

 

“yeah, but… but what if they are? what if they don’t love me anymore?”

 

“hyunjin.” she sighs, similar to his best friend. “they’ll never stop loving you. we will  _ always _ love you.” she ruffles his hair.  _ what is this _ , he thinks as he sniffles,  _ every american sibling relationship ever?  _ “i’m not saying you have to tell them now. it seems like you’re still in shock anyways, so… good luck, dude.” she stands up and pushes him by his forehead so that he falls back into his bed. as she walks through the door, he throws a pillow at her back and she flips him off. then she shuts the door.

 

meanwhile, hyunjin relaxes into his pillow and shoots off a text to seungmin. moments later, he’s getting a call.

 

“ _ who’s on fire? _ ”

 

“wha- no one’s on fire, minnie, what the fuck?”

 

“ _ last time you texted me ‘i need help’ you were in the school kitchen and yangyang's shirt was in flames. don’t come at me with that. _ ” well, he’s not wrong.

 

“okay, so… i’ve been thinking-”

 

“ _ never a good thing- _ ”

 

“shut _ up _ . i’ve been thinking about what you said. um, on wednesday.”

 

there’s a clattering noise from seungmin’s end of the call. he sounds out of breath when he replies. “ _ oh, shit! what’s the conclusion? _ ”

 

“you’re way too excited,” hyunjin grumbles, but his cheeks are pink. “i… like him. a lot. like, l-lo- Big L-Word him.”

 

“ _ YES, FUCKING- sorry mom- YES! _ ”

 

“why are you so  _ hyped  _ about this, dude?”

 

“ _ you deserve to finally accept yourself, jinnie _ .”

 

“a, no i don’t. and b, i didn’t even know i was… not straight.”

 

“ _ i think you did, deep down _ .”

 

hyunjin pauses. thinks about his musings earlier. “maybe.”

 

“ _ so wait, why do you need my help? _ ”

 

“what do i like…  _ do  _ about it?”

 

there’s a noise like seungmin’s just face palmed. “ _ what do you want to do about it? _ ”

 

“well, i can’t very well tell him.”

 

a beat of silence, then: “ _ are you actually fucking stupid. _ ” it’s not a real question. regardless, the answer is yes. “ _ why not? _ ”

 

“because the main reason we had a falling out was because i’m-  _ was-  _ straight. and now i’m not and  _ poof _ , i like him. how do you think he’s gonna feel about that? not good!”

 

“ _ you have a point, but you- _ ” seungmin makes a noise of frustration. “ _ you can’t just like each other and leave him completely oblivious to your feelings for him, you who is the love of his damn life. _ ”

 

“i can and i will,” hyunjin says with a tone of uncertain finality. “goodnight, minnie.”

 

“ _ no, don’t you- _ ” he hangs up. 

 

the rest of the day he spends wallowing in self pity and foolishness, going down once for dinner and then straight back up to his bedroom. he falls asleep soon thereafter.

 

he wakes up at 3 in the morning from his phone singing  _ peaches and cream, sweeter than sweet, chocolate cheeks and chocolate-  _ he blindly reaches for it and answers.

 

“who the- it’s 3 AM,” he slurs, eyes still glued shut.

 

“ _ it’s… it’s jeongin. _ ” immediately, hyunjin sits up straight.

 

“wassup, innie? is everything okay?”

 

“ _ remember when we made that thing? _ ”

 

“you… you’re gonna have to be more specific than that, bub.”

 

“ _ the, um, fuckin- ugh, this is embarrassing, you suck. _ ”

 

“wh- i didn’t do anything!”

 

“ _ exactly. _ ”

 

“innie, don’t be like that, i’m too tired, just- just tell me.” there’s a deep breath on the other end of the line.

 

“ _...i’m sorry, i- i shouldn’t have- _ ”

 

“no-” hyunjin has half a mind to thud down the stairs and all the way to the younger boy’s house. “no, what’s up? it’s okay.”

 

“ _ are you sure? _ ”

 

“of course.”

 

“ _ we said back in freshman year that we’d always be able to talk, no matter when, no matter what. we made a… a promise, i guess. do you remember? _ ” 

 

hyunjin remembers the promise. he remembers telling jeongin that  _ ‘whenever you’re down or scared of yourself or anything else, call me or come over. i promise i’ll be there. _ ’ it’s ingrained into his frontal lobe. “yeah, i do. are you safe? is everything alright?”

 

“ _ i’m… safe. _ ”

 

“jeongin.”

 

“ _ i just… i don’t feel good. _ ”

 

“have you slept at all tonight?” the answering silence is enough. “i’ll come over-”

 

“ _ no! no, just- can we just talk? about whatever? _ ”

 

“yeah,” hyunjin says, more of a breath. “yeah, okay. have you seen mrs. kim’s dog lately? uh… what’s it’s name… jeremy?”

 

“ _ you mean juice? _ ”

 

“pot-ayeto pot-oto.” the phone call devolves from a mess of quiet and slightly sleep drunk laughter to soft but deep breathing and, in hyunjin’s case, fairly vocal snores. 

 

the next morning, hyunjin stares at his phone from where he’s wrapped around his pillow. it’s miraculously still plugged in, and the call is still going. from the sound of it, jeongin is (bless all) still asleep. it’s nine in the morning. hyunjin could scream. instead he burrows deeper into his bed. that is, until he realizes that there’s a party that night that he’s got to get ready for. and the new realization that jeongin’s feelings aren’t actually unrequited; oh, yeah, and in hand with that, hyunjin isn't straight. so what, does he have to embrace it? wear stylish clothes? (he vetoes that because come on, he  _ already  _ has the best style in school). now he definitely can’t go back to sleep. and as much as he wants jeongin to sleep longer, he knows the younger gets cranky when he wakes later in the day. he scooches over to his phone’s mic and murmurs, “innie~”

 

a soft sound of discontent rings out, along with the shifting of bed sheets, and that’s it, hyunjin’s going to die.

 

“innie baby, wake up,” he continues, standing with his phone and walking slowly into his bathroom. 

 

“ _ hyung? _ ” it’s surprised and confused, and sounds a good distance from the phone. “ _ what’re you doin’ here? _ ” another shifting noise, like jeongin is looking around. “ _ what the fuck… _ ”

 

“the phone, jeonginnie,” hyunjin says, laughing a little when there’s a grumble. 

 

“ _ ugh, frick off, hyung. what do you want? _ ”

 

“i wanted to save you from being grouchy for the party, but apparently i got here too late…”

 

“ _ shaddup. i’m gonna clean and then get ready, because it’ll start around 4. i’ll text you later, ugly. _ ”

 

“the audacity,” hyunjin says dramatically, amusement laced in his tone. “alright, see you then. adios, innie.”

 

“ _ we’re literally korean _ .” hyunjin fires something back and hangs up.

 

the first thing he does is make his bed. has he done this before? not in months. will he do it again anytime soon? probably not. his mom comes in. 

 

“are you  _ actually  _ making your bed? ohmygod, where’s my camera? what’s the occasion?” 

 

“i’m having a crisis,” he sighs seriously to her. she rolls her eyes with a smile and walks back out.

  
  
  


flash forward to 3:20. hyunjin has nice clothes on (a pinstripe loose button up tucked into your standard black jeans) with complimentary makeup, and is frantically searching for his shoes. 

 

“yoohyeon!” he hollers, diving into his closet like one would with a pool. she calls back with a  _ what do you want, fucker? _ “do you know where my vans are?” moments later, two shoes hit him in the back of the head. he counts it as a win.

 

he’s padding down the stairs when his phone vibrates with a text from jeongin.  _ come over, ugly _ . despite knowing the context, that hyunjin and the others are all going there, it makes his heart do a little swoop. if he walks any faster across the street, no one needs to know. 

 

he doesn’t knock at this point, just strides in. he’s the only one there. 

 

“innie?” he calls, sitting comfortably on the couch. “where you at?”

 

“i’m right here,” the other says from right behind him. hyunjin flies off the couch and slams into the coffee table, a strange noise emitting from his mouth the entire time. jeongin rushes forward. “sorry! i didn’t mean to scare you, christ.” he helps hyunjin up. the older boy opens his mouth to reply, but his words don’t come out, because jeongin.

 

the younger boy has a faded red and green knitted turtleneck today rather than a thinner one, and it eats his frame. he has light wash jeans underneath. hyunjin wants to cuddle. the urge is nearly irresistible. instead he says something along the lines of “oof.”

 

“oof is right. you look… nice,” jeongin mumbles, and it’s around then that hyunjin notices how close they are. the proximity usually wouldn’t be abnormal, but now that they both like each other… 

 

then again, hyunjin doesn’t really feel the need to pull away. in fact, the growing blush on jeongin’s face makes his urge spill over, and he gives a battle cry before practically bodyslamming the younger onto the couch and wrapping his ridiculously long limbs around him. jeongin lets out a strangled yelp. “just nice?” hyunjin warbles. “how could you hurt me like this, innie?”

 

“okay, get off hyung, you look great, like a prince, off!” the entire time, jeongin is slapping his shoulder weakly. 

 

“a prince, eh?” hyunjin shifts into a more comfortable position rather than just lying atop the other. “you look so cute as well. so soft.” hyunjin is a fool. a not straight  _ fool _ . he got himself into this situation. the tingles yeeting around his body give him enough insight to realize that cuddling with someone who you love who doesn’t  _ know  _ you love them like that is maybe not the best idea. regardless, when he hefts his head up to check if the sudden silence means he needs to apologize and get off, he sees jeongin red-faced and staring down at him. 

 

“th-thanks,” he mumbles nervously. “uh, it’s- seungmin said he was coming around this time, so i was gonna-”

 

“sorry,” hyunjin says, rushing to his feet and belatedly feeling jeongin’s phantom touch around his waist. the younger boy just nods rapidly and straightens his sweater. 

 

like a godsend, seungmin barges in. hyunjin is standing nearly shoulder to shoulder with jeongin, and their faces are red. seungmin’s lips curl into a devious smirk.

 

“jinnie~” he sings, creeping closer. “did you, perhaps-”

 

“nO!” he yelps, jerking forward and slapping a hand over his friend’s mouth. 

 

“what the fuck is going on around here?” jisung yells in his announcer voice, felix not far behind him. the strange atmosphere is broken. everyone looks nice, hyunjin supposes. but jeongin takes the cake. he does look soft, with his brown hair practically floating around his face, brushing his eyes. there’s a bit of glitter across his cheeks. 

 

the hyung car, as they like to call it (it’s chris’ old beat up chevy, but the older boys claimed it as a shared vehicle) pulls up, and everyone piles in.

 

when they get to renjun’s house (it’s even bigger than seungmin’s, and that’s saying something), hyunjin feels his nerves well up. this group of friends hates him. he doesn’t know why he was even allowed to come, really. 

 

his nervousness is probably visible, if the way jeongin presses against him comfortingly is any indication. seungmin watches them with a raised eyebrow, and hyunjin shrugs helplessly. then the door opens.

 

it’s the lanky freshman kid in the dance club with hyunjin; jisung 2.0, he recalls. 

 

“before we kick off this party,” the youngest boy says seriously, “i need you all to call me ji and  _ your  _ jisung something else, sound good?” everyone nods. his gaze shifts to hyunjin. “and the three boys plus hyuck want to talk to you. alright, come on in, everyone!” hyunjin’s friends all look at him with pity, but don’t move to help him as he follows jisung through a corridor (jeongin looks like he’s going to follow when hyunjin turns around, but seungmin holds him back. the tall boy is oblivious to all of it). 

 

they stop at a doorway. there’s no actual door, just a big arch. through it, hyunjin can see-  _ holy shit, is that a fountain _ ? 

 

“yeah, chenle and jun are fuckin’ loaded,” jisung agrees. “they’re on the other side of the- oh, hey mark-hyung, hey hyuckie-hyung.” hyunjin tenses, guilt dragging his blood through his veins as he turns around. donghyuck has a blank look on his face, but mark ( _ the  _ mark lee) surveys hyunjin before mumbling something in donghyuck’s ear. the younger boy’s features relax a little. then he meets hyunjin’s eyes and his face crumples into a scowl. he takes his arm and drags the taller boy into the room, all the way to their destination. when they see the other initiators, he gives hyunjin a little shove and then stands next to them.

 

the boyfriends are all sitting at the edge of the fountain, and jeno gives hyunjin a look that says, “pull up a chair if you want” that’s immediately countered by renjun’s own “move another inch and i attack with a spork” glare. jaemin looks collected as ever. 

 

“given that this is my party, we’re not going to drag this out forever,” renjun sighs finally. “we just wanted to… talk… to you.” jeno’s mouth twitches. 

 

“look, innie texted us something like you made up, but-” jaemin begins, hesitation and distaste clear in his voice, but hyunjin carefully picks up where he left off.

 

“it’s not okay. that does not remotely make it okay,” he agrees. donghyuck looks a little shocked. “firstly, i have a long way to go before i can make it up to jeongin. and i know that and i completely understand it. i sort of… i sort of wish he  _ didn’t  _ forgive so easily. he’s too good of a person. and secondly, i’d like to apologize to you guys. jaemin and donghyuck especially.” he turns to jaemin. “me being jealous… i know why now. but like i said, that doesn’t make it okay. and i’m really sorry for being a dick to you just because jeongin trusts you. and donghyuck… you were obviously in the right, and i… i’m really sorry for getting standoffish. if you’d like me to not be here, given that it’s christmas eve and all, i understand-”

 

“dude,” donghyuck’s face isn’t as sharp anymore. “firstly, we could’ve sought you out any time. we know where you live. secondly, you don’t need to leave, because we accept your apology.” hyunjin feels his body turn to jelly. renjun rolls his eyes, but nods, and both jeno and jaemin offer him award winning smiles. he feels like he won the fucking lottery.

 

“i,” he breathes, “thank you. a lot. i mean, so much. yeah, that’s- thanks.” renjun snorts.

 

“i wish i knew what jeongin sees in you,” he remarks, standing. “alright, well, everyone disperse. go away, i want to hang out with my boys.” with that, donghyuck takes hyunjin’s arm again (gentler this time), and they walk out side by side. hyunjin is still afraid of the other, don’t get him wrong, but he’s more relaxed now. 

 

“you finally realize you’re in love with him?” donghyuck asks as they near the commotion of the party. 

 

“wh-  _ what _ ? how-” hyunjin feels himself flush. “okay, so, maybe, yeah.” finally, the short sun kissed boy offers him a smile. 

 

“then do something about it. bu-bye, now, giraffe.” and he’s gone. hyunjin stares blankly down the hallway. footsteps near where he is from his left, and he turns to see a man who isn’t  _ allowed to be that attractive, what the fuck _ walking towards him.

 

“hello, you look like you could use a drink,” he says in a soft voice, a small smile adorning his previously icy features. “i’m taeyong, you can call me hyung.”

 

“h-hi, taeyong-hyung,” hyunjin stutters. “hi. wow, you’re like, a model. wow. i’m hyunjin.”

 

“ah, so  _ you’re  _ hyunjin.” he nods. “follow me.” hyunjin trails after him into the kitchen, where a ridiculously towering man sits with a small army of lightly alcoholic drinks surrounding him. 

 

“yong, you’re supposed to  _ help  _ me guard these, not wander off and- oh, howdy, i’m johnny.” he tips an invisible hat. 

 

“uh, hi, i’m hyunjin.”

 

“oof, you’re hyunjin?” he looks the boy up and down. “nice to meet you. you’re a very handsome kid, the boys didn’t do you justice-” taeyong swats him on the arm. “what, it’s not like he doesn’t know they were mad at him!”

 

“i deserve everything they’ve probably said about me,” hyunjin admits. taeyong watches him for a moment as johnny hands him a bottle of beer. he sips it and recoils. “i’m sorry, but this tastes like dog piss.” the older boys burst out laughing. 

 

“yeah, alright, have this- but  _ drink it slowly _ .” he gives hyunjin a colorful drink and points to the vodka on the counter. “there’s not too much, but enough to make you tipsy- unless you’re like taeyong, and you’re a lightweight-  _ ow _ , stop hitting me!” hyunjin giggles and waves shyly, padding out of the kitchen and completely disregarding johnny’s words. he chugs the fruity drink,  _ knowing  _ he’s a bit of a lightweight, and sets himself in a corner to oversee everyone talking. there’s not many highschoolers there, just their crew and a surplus of chaotic yet mature college kids. he goes to his phone so as not to get too wild with the vodka running through him.

 

when it gets too loud from the giant game of twister going on, he walks outside- and his eyes meet jeongin, who’s curled up on one of the outside couches, shivering slightly. he’s alone.

 

“what are you doing out here! it’s cold,” hyunjin gasps, rushing inside and then back out with a thick blanket in his arms (he’s not really sure where he got it). he snuggles as close as possible to the younger boy, movements loose and not an ounce of nervousness in him, and throws the blanket over him. jeongin just stares at him. “there, now you’re all cozy. you just got sick, do you not remember? our innie can’t get sick again.” he mumbles the last part to himself.

 

“you-are you drunk?”

 

“nah, just tipsy,” hyunjin assures, resting his head on the younger boy’s shoulder. “i have a secret and i’m very afraid to tell you. but apparently everyone knew it before i knew it myself. do you know?” jeongin shifts, taking hyunjin’s shoulders and righting him so they face each other.

 

“no, i don’t,” he says cautiously, straightening hyunjin’s hair. the older boy takes his time tracing jeongin’s cute nose and sharp eyes and soft flush from the cold with his eyes. 

 

“huh, that’s- oof,” hyunjin says smartly. jeongin looks very worried now.

 

“is everything okay?”

 

“i am a colossal idiot,” hyunjin explains. “you see, i always thought i was interested in girls.” jeongin’s face slackens with shock and he starts to pull away unconsciously, but hyunjin puts his hands on either side of jeongin’s face to hold him in place as he continues. “stay. yeah, i always thought that, but the more i think about it, what straight guy hangs out with a gay-ggle? so seungmin mentioned how stupid i was, y’know, and he snapped me to my senses. and jeongin, i’m so sorry. i’m so sorry that i’m jealous of anyone who comes near you, and i’m sorry i’m possessive and that i’m a jerk and that i rejected you. but i keep thinking about how, like, i said i was straight and not that i didn’t like you. because that would, uh, be a lie. yeah. i mean, so was the ‘i’m straight’ thing. i don’t like boys or girls. i like  _ one  _ boy. i  _ love  _ one boy.” he finally meets jeongin’s eyes, who’s mouth is hanging open and tears in his eyes. “i’m an idiot. and i’m sorry i didn’t realize sooner.” they sit there in silence, and slowly hyunjin realizes what he said. 

 

“oh god,” he feels sick. “gosh, innie, i’m sorry, i wasn’t gonna tell you- gosh, i made you cry, i- i’ll go, i’m sorry. oh god.” he stumbles to his feet, not noticing his own tears. “i ruined your whole party, innie, i’m so sorry- i- i’m a stupid head, fuck.”

 

“hyunjin.”

 

“no, i-”

 

“what’s happening out here- woah, why are you both crying?” minho stands at the back door. 

 

“i have to go, hyungie, i’m a stupid head,” hyunjin wails, throwing himself at minho. jeongin stands from the couch. 

 

“jinnie-hyung,” he starts, voice watery. there’s something like awe there, something elated, something sad, a little bit of everything. “let’s talk about this when you’re sober, yeah?” he pets hyunjin’s hair as he passes, and then wipes his tears and goes inside to settle next to seungmin, who’s watching the twister tournament with avid fascination. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT IT'S HAPPENING EVERYBODY STAY CALM  
> finally hyunjinnie comes to his senses, but poor fucking jeongin oof  
> the way that hyunjin really hit that yeet and went for it-  
> sorry about the surplus of phone calls in this one, as well as the fact that it's like, almost 5,000 words. woop  
> comments and kudos are appreciated! <3!  
> my twitter is @fmeupbuttercup !


	17. twas the night before christmas...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW; there's an anxiety attack

jeongin hears rather than sees hyunjin grossly sob into minho’s shoulder, but it’s no different from every _other_ time he gets drunk. he’s a pisces, being emotional is in his nature. as he takes a seat next to seungmin, who is completely enraptured by… was it yuta? yuta and jisung contorting around each other as best they could on the colorful mat, he tries to ignore his stuffed up nose (not from sickness this time, just from crying) and attempts to understand what just happened.

 

hyunjin had just… confessed. hyunjin. the straightest boy he knows. the boy who rejected him for _that_ reason exactly. had just drunkenly admitted to being _in love with him_.

 

it has to be a joke. a trick of the alcohol. jeongin doesn’t drink, but maybe someone is smoking somewhere? maybe he’s secondhand high? this can’t be right, there’s no way that it’s right-

 

 _pity_ , a voice whispers in his mind. _it was pity that he felt for you to lead him to this._ that didn’t add up, because hyunjin is _still_ crying outside. and besides, he’s jeongin’s best friend. he wouldn’t deceive him for that. _perhaps he has already deceived you_ , something in him continues, and he stands up abruptly, in search of the kitchen.

 

“woah there, little buddy,” a man says, leaning against the counter. “you look a little young to be drinking.”

 

“no worries, i just came for some water,” jeongin says quietly, as politely as he can. he looks around the giant kitchen helplessly.

 

“johnny, for god’s sake, help the child,” another man chides. ah, so the tall one is johnny. jaemin had previously mentioned and showed him pictures of taeyong, so he knew _him_ , at least.

 

“oh, hello there, you’re taeyong-ssi, right?” he asks, thankfully accepting the glass johnny holds out for him and filling it with tap water clumsily. he’s far too tired to pay attention to such a fickle thing, suddenly.

 

“that i am, but call me hyung. you’re jeongin, yeah?” jeongin nods. “lovely to meet you.” there’s a lapse in conversation, one that jeongin is frankly too caught up in anxious thoughts to notice, sitting at the kitchen island.

 

 _i like_ one _boy. i_ love _one boy,_ hyunjin had said.

 

what changed his mind? did seungmin convince him to try something? a horrid thought occurs to jeongin just then- is he just an experiment?

 

“hey, um, you good?” johnny is standing in front of him. “you seemed a little-”

 

“oh, yes, johnny-ssi, i’m fine!” jeongin cuts him off, bowing minutely. “i’m gonna go get some air out front, so if… if anyone comes looking for me, except for… uh…”

 

“hyunjin?” johnny asks amusedly. jeongin flushes. “yeah, i’ll let everyone but him know, bud. no big.” he winks and then backs off to stand over the drinks again. taeyong isn’t in the kitchen anymore.

 

jeongin pads out front, studying the towering houses (mansions, more accurately) around him. he sips at his water disinterestedly.

 

 _why do i have to be such a gay fool_ ? he throws a rock down the road. he _is_ a gay fool; fell for his straight best friend, and when said best friend hit him with “yeah jk lol i’m actually in love with you too”, he… what, ran away? _coward._

 

the spiral of thoughts picks up again like a dust devil in a park; starts small, and then soon overwhelms everything around him until it obscures his vision.

 

_coward. you’re pathetic. you’re a disappointment._

 

_it would be disappointing, to see him-_

 

_a disgrace in life, a disgrace to die. do i chain him to the house like a dog so he can’t embarrass me, or cast him out so he doesn’t have the chance?_

 

 _what do i do? what do i do about me, what do i do about hyunjin, about my mom, about christmas, about-_ it’s a distant realization that he’s shaking. he doesn’t want to be helped though. not this time, when everyone is enjoying themselves. not when he’s just the recreant who can’t figure himself out, who only manages to run away and disappoint. the only expectations he ever meets are his own- _failure_.

 

 _to fail_ , he thinks as he folds over on himself slowly, too caught up to notice, _is to succeed, in some ways_. failing is a learning experience, yes, but it’s also meeting his own standards. maybe they’re the wrong standards to meet, but at least he knows himself well enough to know without a doubt, he would always be right back here.

 

trapped. a coward. pathetic. _disappointing, disgraceful, disgusting boy-_

 

_you don’t actually think anything will become of your life?_

 

the stars, what seems like so long ago now, had once convinced him he could escape this life. he could live freely. he could _breathe_.

 

he thinks maybe the stars were wrong, because _he would always be right back here._

 

“yo, hey-”

 

a voice, distorted and lost to him, goes in one ear and out the other. he’s floating dangerously along the ridge of a deep underwater chasm, and the voice comes from dry land. out of reach, beyond what he can comprehend.

 

“hey, you gotta-” it fades out again.

 

there’s a tug, a brush of something in his chest, that shoots electricity through him and the water like lightning, a shockwave imploding and jerking him to shore.

 

“you gotta breathe man, i got you,” the voice says. he doesn’t recognize it, but frankly he’s more scared of himself than of some stranger. he drags breaths as if they’re weights, chest heaving. finally, his dizziness dies down enough to open his eyes and focus them on the- _that’s not a stranger_.

 

mark lee kneels before him, hands on his shoulder to center him.

 

of everyone he could’ve had this moment in front of, it had to be _mark lee_.

 

“oh god,” he chokes, pulling back too fast and almost falling into the flowerbed behind him. mark catches him with wide eyes.

 

“i- sorry, i didn’t wanna be in your personal space or anything, i just- sorry, uh-”

 

“oh, no you- i mean, you’re _mark lee._ you didn’t- oh my god.” jeongin feels himself shrink up.

 

“um, yeah? i am? hey, if you want me to go, it’s okay to say so,” mark says, confused. jeongin shakes his head violently.

 

“no, it’s just- you’re um, a legend, and i flipped the _fuck_ out and you had to see that, i’m so sorry!” jeongin wishes he could shut up. christ.

 

“sorry, a- a what?”

 

“did you not- do you not, like…” jeongin gladly lets his other concerns slip away, for at least the moment. “you don’t know?”

 

“why the heck would _i_ be a legend?” mark laughs a little- it’s more of a giggle, really.

 

“you- not only were you valedictorian of the graduating class, the student council president, the basketball team’s captain, graduated early, _and_ made super cool music on soundcloud, but you stood up for people like me- like _us_ . you- you saved so many lives. you let people talk to you- people you didn’t even know!- about their problems. you broke your arm during a game and hardly, like, reacted.” jeongin is out of breath when he finishes, but god, his _idol_ is standing in front of him, leave him alone. mark looks almost comically embarrassed, his face cherry red.

 

“i- uh, i-” he sputters. “you- a-and that’s something, that um-” scratch that, it’s _definitely_ funny. before jeongin gets the chance to, he doesn’t know, console the other, or burst out laughing more likely, the front door swings open, revealing a worried looking chris. when his eyes land on jeongin, they look relieved, though that only lasts a moment.

 

“what’s wrong, hyung?” jeongin asks as the man rushes over.

 

“why were you crying?” chris asks in lieu of response, rubbing over the dry tear tracks on his face. jeongin didn’t even know he _had_ those.

 

“oh, um, i wasn’t crying exactly...” he can’t bring himself to say it. mark is no longer a distraction to the word _coward_ banging around in his skull. mark seems to notice this, as does chris.

 

“i think he was having an anxiety attack, but…” mark scratches the back of his neck, still a little embarrassed.

 

“mark-hyung helped me out,” jeongin finishes. his exhaustion filters through his voice. chan turns to mark.

 

“thank you,” he says, voice completely sincere. mark flushes again, waving his hands.

 

“n-no, it’s really fine,” he manages. “i’m- i’m gonna go find donghyuck?” he poises it as a question, darting away when jeongin nods with a grateful smile.

 

when he’s gone, jeongin turns to chan with wide eyes. “hyung, that was mark lee.”

 

chris’ mouth twitches. “yes…?”  


“he didn’t even _know_ he’s a legend!” jeongin exclaims excitedly, words tripping a little with drowsiness. “how crazy is that?”

 

chris actually laughs at that. “innie, not every ‘legend’ recognizes that sort of stuff.” there’s still lingering worry in his gaze behind the amusement as they push through the door to the house.

 

“yeah, but _you_ know you’re a legend, right?”

 

“wh- since when?” chris glances at him with raised eyebrows, and the commotion of the living room isn’t enough to draw his focus away.

 

“...hyung. i love you, but you’re seriously dumb sometimes.” chris bops his head lightly, eliciting a small snort, and they delve into the chaos of the party.

 

upon entering, seungmin and jisung (the latter of which completely _slightly_ wasted) are instantly at their sides. woojin isn’t far behind, a (more than) tispy, giggly felix wrapped around his arm. changbin trails after them, sighing fondly.

 

“where’s min-hyuuunnngg,” jisung whines, none-too-gently slapping chris’ shoulder. “i wanna tell him he’s pretty.”

 

“yah,” chris snaps with no bite, repeating it when jisung doesn’t stop hitting him and batting his hand away. “yah! i don’t know, jeez. on that note, where’s hyunjin?” jeongin tries not to flinch. _i did that…_

 

“ohmygod,” jisung gasps. “do you think minho knows i have, like, a fat crush on him?” seungmin sighs exasperatedly, facepalming (he assumably has been dealing with this all night). “wow, it’s so fat, the _fattest_ ,” he continues under his breath. felix starts laughing so hard that he releases his death grip on woojin’s arm, changbin catching him before he completely sinks to the ground.

 

“y-” woojin rubs his brow. “you guys realize it’s a bit… _unconventional_ to get drunk on christmas eve?”

 

“hyung,” seungmin deadpans. “we’re gay. _we_ are unconventional.”

 

“fuck the heteronormative society,” felix says seriously, cutting through his laughter with an even deeper voice than usual, before returning to his high pitched giggling. they all stare at him. someone passing does too, but they call a “here, here”, so it’s not a complete loss of dignity, jeongin decides.

 

“alright innie; if you take sung, chan-hyung, woojinnie-hyung and i will go find min and hyunjin. deal?” seungmin begs him with his eyes.

 

“hmm, you drive a _tough_ bargain,” jeongin says, pretending to ponder. the other looks a _lot_ desperate at this point, so the youngest takes advantage of it. “throw in a pack of oreos and we have a deal.” seungmin nods frantically, all but throwing a limp jisung at him, who attaches himself like a fucking sticky hand to jeongin’s body. then chris and woojin are off, disappearing down the hallway. “hey, seungminnie-hyung,” jeongin tries to speak clearly through jisung’s hair in his mouth, “can you check outside for me? i have a feeling…” seungmin raises an eyebrow, but follows his wish, heading the opposite direction.

 

meanwhile, changbin and jeongin lean against the wall with their respective parasites, the dreaded (re: loved unconditionally) september twins. felix has taken to trying to kiss changbin’s neck (it’s _free real estate_ , according to felix’s mutterings), who is doing his best to prevent _that_ from happening (more than once it has been revealed that felix likes to leave marks). jisung is, for some reason, rubbing his face back and forth against jeongin’s sweater-clad shoulder and singing something quietly, sort of like a tired toddler might.

 

moments later, woojin and chan return, the latter of which stays with the four while woojin continues through the living room and to the back door. _so i was right_. changbin gives jeongin a questioning look, but he just waves it away.

 

seungmin returns with hyunjin, struggling to hold him up because the absolute noodle isn’t doing it himself, and woojin and minho stay relatively close to them. finally, it seems the eldest takes pity on seungmin, because he swings hyunjin up bridal style- his long limbs flail limpy, narrowly avoiding kicking changbin in the face, and he buries his face into woojin’s shoulder.

 

“alright, now that we’re all sorted,” jeongin says. “if you guys wanna skidaddle…” he pointedly glanced at their incapacitated friends when chan gives him a look. minho steps forward and attempts to pry off jisung.

 

“no no _no_ don’t do that,” he whines, tightening his arms. “innie smells good. i wanna take a cronch.” thankfully, before jisung actually _does_ bite jeongin, minho leans down.

 

“you wanted to tell me someth- _oof_.” at minho’s voice, jisung launches himself onto the other.

 

“you are very pretty and i have the fattest crush! on you!” jisung yells into minho’s ear. minho smiles fondly and drags jisung outside- making him the line leader of drunk boys and their supervisors. jeongin follows behind with seungmin and chan, fit in between them. chan is indiscreetly watching him, whereas seungmin isn’t even trying to hide him glancing from jeongin and hyunjin.

 

on the ride over, chris had been driving- now though, he boards in the very back of the van with jeongin and pulls him close over the seatbelts. jeongin accepts the affection; he’s far too tired to do anything else.

 

the ride to the homes isn’t exactly silent, but it's devoid of meaningful words.  mainly, there’s just a shit ton of drunk babbling and minho provoking said babbling. up in the front seat, woojin and hyunjin converse quietly. jeongin can’t find it in him to even _want_ to know what they’re saying.

 

it’s like the nightmares, the fear from the other night, and hyunjin’s grand and messy confession has finally caught up with him. his head lolls a little. when they drop him off, it’s obvious that chris wants to stay with him. jeongin vehemently denies him.

 

it’s christmas eve.

 

so when jeongin pads into a house that looks more like a christmas cemetery in the silence of the lonely night, snow falling softly in what should be beautiful but what feels like constricting, he quietly breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so....  
> s o  
> S O  
> we met the man, the myth, the legend, mr. mark lee. maybe he's not important to the story....  
> n e yways. not much went down here, and it's short; just poor fucking INNIE,,,,, ba b ey  
> comments and kudos are appreciated!<333  
> oh, and big things are coming;^)


	18. deck the halls

it’s a fickle thing, hope. it flutters in him even after falling asleep without it. it curls around his feeble dreams and carries them like they’re the weight of elephants.

 

hope is a fickle thing that yang jeongin can’t afford to have.

 

hope keeps urging him to contact hyunjin, even though he woke up not even fifteen minutes ago. hope whispers in his ear that maybe his mother will admit she forgives him, or that he won’t be alone on christmas. he’s never, _ever_ trusted hope.

 

jeongin walks up the stairs quietly, going through his room to find a mask, beanie, and a thick jacket. he puts on his warmest socks and ties his shoes snugly. then he climbs out the window, a blanket tied around his shoulders.

 

he lays the blanket down and falls on top of it, eyes to the sky. blinking snowflakes out of his eyes as they twirl and dance down from the sky, his phone feels heavy in his coat pocket. it’s christmas.

 

“merry christmas,” he says to the sky. a snowflake lands on his nose.

 

he tugs out his phone.

 

**deck the hets with boughs of holly**

 

**5:57 AM**

 

 **bubeedoo:** merry christmas everyone!

 

the groupchat, unsurprisingly, is completely dead, but it doesn’t deter him. he just hopes that they’re either asleep or enjoying the time with their family.

 

**jinnie**

 

**5:58 AM**

 

 **innie:** hey, i just wanted to say

 **innie:** um

 **innie:** it’s just hard for me to believe

 **innie:** what you said last night

 **innie:** do you remember?

 **innie:** i mean of coourse if not don’t even worry about it hahah

 **innie:** but if you do can uou please tell me if it was real

 **innie:** merry christmas, jinnie hyung

 

“no, jeongin doesn’t double text,” he grumbles to himself. “that would be salvageable. he fucking _octuple texts_. what a feat.” he puts his phone down and reaches his arms towards the sky. strangely enough, he’s not even cold. there’s little shocks of freeze every time snow kisses his skin, but it goes away as quickly as he brushes it off. the sun isn’t visible, as it’s winter, the sky still dark behind the gray torrent of clouds, but it still has a soft glow. for once, time has stopped, and jeongin feels a little at peace.

 

his hopelessness he knows is trying to bury deeper into his bone marrow, but it’s opposite has already fit itself snugly there. hope warms his core, his mind stops spinning like snowflakes, and settles. he can close his eyes and not fall asleep. he’s tired, but good tired. he doesn’t think of the night before. this is its own morning, its own start, its own time. one moment suspended. when he opens his eyes, snowflakes cease to fall. they’re frozen in the air. the neighborhood has gone silent. he’s afraid to blink. when he does, time starts again, but with it comes a shot of adrenaline.

 

it’s christmas. it’s _christmas_.

 

he stands up, staring down the roof. the snow on the ground is thick, deep enough that if he stepped in it, it’d be above his knee.

 

he expertly scales down the side of the house this time, throwing his blanket on his bed and running down his stairs.

 

pushing out the front door, he takes a running start and twists in midair, sinking into the snow on his back. it’s cold and quiet, serene and envigorating.

 

his phone buzzes.

 

he ignores it, trying in vain to make a snow angel because of how deep he is.

 

it buzzes again.

 

he climbs out of the snow as it continues to do so, sitting on the porch and staring down at the number calling him. he doesn’t recognize it, but he answers anyway.

 

“hello?”

 

“ _hello. is this yang jeongin?_ ” he knows the voice. he doesn’t know _how_ he knows the voice, an old voice full of stories and wonder, bleeding with desperation.

 

“yes, and who is this?” the woman starts crying, and alarm rises in him in a great big wave. whoever this is, he has a feeling that he doesn’t want them to be sad. it fills him with dread. “h-hey, it’s okay, are you alright?”

 

“ _good god, you’re the same. i’m so proud of you, honey_ .” he knows _honey_ . it’s like a distant memory, but he knows exactly who used to call him that. _honey_ , she’d say. _you stay just how you are. don’t you let my son’s wife change you, do you understand?_ he feels a knot in his throat.

 

“ _it’s hejun, honey. it’s your halmeoni._ ” and the knot untangles. he figures he’s about to cry, and he can hear her cry too. his grandmother.

 

“you-” a small sob chokes out of him. “you’re- you- merry christmas, _halmeoni_. how are you?”

 

“ _i’m wonderful thanks to you_ ,” she says. “ _but your mother won’t be happy i’m calling, so perhaps it would be best to-_ ”

 

“she’s not here!” jeongin accidentally interrupts. he can’t end the call, he can’t- he doesn’t want to be alone on christmas.

 

“ _not where_?”

 

“at home. hardly ever.”

 

“ _you’re alone on christmas?_ ”

 

“well, it’s better than her being here.” they both laugh a little. it’s sad, maybe, that something so dismal makes them happy, but a bigger part of jeongin knows this is the best thing he could have ever gotten.

 

“ _what if…_ ” his grandmother trails off, and jeongin’s senses are on high alert. “ _what if you came over to my house? for christmas?_ ” and jeongin can’t help it. he cries.

 

in a tiny, tear-filled voice, he tells her, “i would like that very much.”

 

and for the rest of the call, they arrange it. he decides that instead of new shoes, and instead of milk, windex, christmas presents, and his favorite cereal, he’s spending what he needs to on a train ticket. the train leaves in three hours. he gets ready in half of one. he’s so excited that he’s restless, shaking and dancing all around the house.

 

the group chat is finally alive, though barely.

 

**deck the hets with boughs of holly**

 

**7:03 AM**

 

 **featherduster:** merry christmas, innie!!!! and merry christmas everyone who’s not suffering by minho and i’s hands in our apt rn!!!

 **hug:** It’s been fun while it lasted, but i think Chan’s gonna kill mijfjonav

 

 **sun:** MERRY cHRISTMAS GUDYI FOALIBHFAIHVSBJL:

 

 **moon:** merry christmas, lixie

 

 **dandelion:** funny how triangle only becomes active when felix is

 

 **moon:** you shut your fucking mouth

 

 **soft:** good to see everyone’s in great spirits:)

 

 **moon:** NO THANKS TO YOU

 

 **teef:** morning everyone

 **teef:** oh my god its ccrhustmasn

 **teef:** MERYG CHRITSMAS OH MY G D I LVOE RTOU SO MUCIJ

 

 **soft:** merry christmas, ji

 

 **smile:** who tf let me drink so mcuh

 

 **dandelion:** pretty sure you only had one drink jinnie

 **dandelion:** you’re just a lightweight lmaoooo

 

 **smile:** die

 **smile:** HO NO WHYAT DHVAE I DONE

 

 **hug:** Are you alright?

 

 **soft:** does it have something to do with you being a stupid head?

 

 **smile:** YES FUCKIJGN EHLL

 

 **dandelion:** you’re a fucking clown and i hope you drown in your own misery

 

 **featherduster:** what could possibly warrant that

 **featherduster:** wait

 **featherduster:** if this has something to do with jeongin having an anxiety attack last night

 **featherduster:** i second what seungmin said

 

 **smile:** IM GONNA KMSIF DJVSD{F

 

 **bubeedoo:** or you could just answer my texts

 

 **soft:** anna oup-

 

 **teef:** anna oup-

 **teef:** ADNFBIF BABYYYYYYYY

 

 **moon:** could i perhaps interest you in some aloe vera

 

 **sun:** i love you bin

 **sun:** but also can someone tell us what’s going on

 

 **moon:** YOU WGHADYTF Y HOUDSBFLNSK

 

 **teef:** [ you.what.jpg ](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.ytimg.com%2Fvi%2FVsJc2ZhbXIg%2Fhqdefault.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DVsJc2ZhbXIg&docid=JsYt5A1iUxJUUM&tbnid=jR8zAbL_hn6LnM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwic-674tIXjAhUC0awKHfaYD78QMwhTKAAwAA..i&w=480&h=360&safe=active&bih=689&biw=1379&q=you%20what%20spongebob&ved=0ahUKEwic-674tIXjAhUC0awKHfaYD78QMwhTKAAwAA&iact=mrc&uact=8)

 

 **soft:** [ i.have.to.scream.jpg ](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fpics.me.me%2Fi-have-to-scream-me-irl-34951184.png&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fme.me%2Fi%2Fi-have-to-scream-baf53a0c54324aab8a4b7083d5df8c0e&docid=jaGWdJhzzu9MSM&tbnid=WzuZIDPB8DkA4M%3A&vet=10ahUKEwidq4LttYXjAhWoB50JHRdYBLkQMwhSKAYwBg..i&w=500&h=384&safe=active&bih=689&biw=1379&q=i%20have%20to%20laugh%20meme&ved=0ahUKEwidq4LttYXjAhWoB50JHRdYBLkQMwhSKAYwBg&iact=mrc&uact=8)

 

jeongin can’t help but laugh. at least felix and changbin’s endeavours have distracted the others, at least for the moment.

 

**jinnie**

 

 **innie:** hey, i just wanted to say

 **innie:** um

 **innie:** it’s just hard for me to believe

 **innie:** what you said last night

 **innie:** do you remember?

 **innie:** i mean of coourse if not don’t even worry about it hahah

 **innie:** but if you do can uou please tell me if it was real

 **innie:** merry christmas, jinnie hyung

 

**7:08 AM**

 

 **jinnie:** i wasn’t supposed to tell you like that

 **jinnie:** but i meant it

 **jinnie:** every word

 **jinnie:** i’m so sorry, jeonginnie

 **jinnie:** i am a stupid head

 **jinnie:** and whatever happens next is up to you, okay?

 **jinnie:** i am so so sorry

 

 **innie:** hyunjin

 **innie:** stop for a moment

 **innie:** it’s okay

 **innie:** i just need to think about some things

 

 **jinnie:** understandavle

 

 **innie:** but you’re serious

 **innie:** you feel rhat way?

 

 **jinnie:** i’ve never felt something any stronger

 **jinnie:** i am so fucking in love with you

 

 **innie:** oh

 

 _oh_.

 

jeongin screams. he resists chucking his phone, rolls off the couch, and writhes on the ground. so the bitchass voice in his head was wrong. and hyunjin isn’t a scoundrel, a crook, a liar. never has been. and he’s sober, and it’s christmas. and hyunjin is in love with him.

 

his phone alarm goes off. _it’s almost time to go to the train station._

 

he calls chris.

 

“hyung!” he can hear the excited tears in his throat and voice again, happiness choking him up.

 

“ _merry christmas, are you okay?_ ” chris laughed a little when jeongin let out a small elated scream. “ _you’re on speaker, by the way_.”

 

“oh gosh okay, oh my gosh, hyung!” jeongin exhales and walks out the door bundled up. then he continues. “firstly, i’m on my way to go to- guess.”

 

“ _uh, work?_ ”

 

“no!”

 

“ _...the grocery store?_ ”

 

“hyung!” he yells it into the receiver, and there’s several laughs that sound in response. “my _halmeoni_ called! my- she- i’m- hejun!”

 

silence. and then, “ _jeongin, you’re completely serious right now?_ ”

 

“ _yes!_ ” he sniffles. “i am! she-” his voice gets quieter. “she remembers me, hyung. she misses me. she loves me.”

 

“ _i’m so happy for you. and i’m so proud of you._ ”

 

“thank you, hyungie. i wish i could be hugging you, but i have to walk to the train station.”

 

“ _you wh-_ ”

 

“there’s one over thing.” jeongin shoots the screenshots of his and hyunjin’s conversation. “look at our messages.”

 

he hears some shuffling and assumes the other boys are reading it too. he hears minho’s screech and changbin’s cheers. chan woops and woojin applauds.

 

“ _innie, merry fuckin’ christmas!_ ” chan yells, and then, “ _but i’m heading to the car right now. you’re not walking to the_ **_bloody_ ** _train station. and you’ll get that damn hug._ ”

 

so as he walks farther from his house, the hyung car pulls up next to him and parks. chris climbs out, runs around the front of the car, and proceeds to squeeze jeongin so tight he feels like his limbs aren’t apart of his body anymore- then tighter still.

 

“ah, my baby innie,” he coos, pulling back and petting jeongin’s hair down gently. “look at you. i’m so so happy for you, bub. this is what you deserve.” his smile is so fond, eyes warm and- yeah, there are tears there. jeongin nearly tackles _him_ this time.

 

“thanks, da- hyung,” he coughs, and chris bursts out into laughter.

 

“get in the car, son,” chris jokes, pulling the passenger side door open and then climbing into the driver’s side. “how about i just drive you there?”

 

“that’s-” he stops himself from saying that it’s unnecessary. “yeah, that would be good.”

 

☾

they pull up to the address, an it’s such a difference from what jeongin always sees. it reminds him of the flower shop.

 

it’s a small house with a sagging green roof, bougainvillea curled around rotting, white wooden fencing lining one wall of the house. there’s a similarly styled archway with rosebushes entangled. flowers (but not a single weed) and grass up to jeongin’s knees spread all around the yard. the door is a light, cool-toned blue, worn away, which contrasts nicely with the white house. there’s a little symbol on the doorframe above it- some sort of [ three leafed ](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fcdn.shopify.com%2Fs%2Ffiles%2F1%2F0803%2F8523%2Ffiles%2FTriquetra_medium.jpg%3Fv%3D1499312919&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.groveandgrotto.com%2Fblogs%2Farticles%2Fmagickal-symbols-of-protection-1&docid=FpgSebGv52xTIM&tbnid=9Wl4vnKiKvnUjM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwj9-5jw2YfjAhXKjFQKHThEC4sQMwhVKAQwBA..i&w=201&h=201&safe=active&bih=689&biw=1379&q=pagan%20warding%20symbol&ved=0ahUKEwj9-5jw2YfjAhXKjFQKHThEC4sQMwhVKAQwBA&iact=mrc&uact=8), all connected thing with a circle wrapped around it. how the yard still looks like this in the middle of winter, he doesn’t know, but there’s less snow here.

 

“alright, well,” chris looks almost as nervous as jeongin feels. “this is it.”

 

 _this is it_. jeongin fidgets in his seat. he misses his grandmother, yes, but now that they’re so close… what if she just thinks he’s not everything she thought he’d be? what if he’s just what he’s always been, a let-down? a disgrace? a-

 

“innie,” chris leans over the console, hand on his shoulder reassuringly. “get out of that head of yours, hmm? she loves you, and you’re not going to disappoint her.”

 

“but-”

 

“no. it’s okay to be nervous, bub, but she _loves_ you, okay?” jeongin nods. “good. now, i know you can do this, but if you want to wait in here, that’s okay-”

 

“no, no, i’ve got this.” he takes a deep breath and hops out the car, chris rolling down the window. “you don’t have to wait, get back to woojinnie-hyung. merry christmas, hyungie.” chris beams at him and blows a fake kiss, pouting in faux hurt when jeongin pretends to wave it away in disgust. with one last exchange of goodbyes, he drives away, and jeongin turns to face his grandmother.

 

he walks up carefully, avoiding the particularly prominent stones on the snowy path up to her door. his hand rests on the wood, but he can’t bring himself to knock. he takes a deep breath, preparing himself.

 

but the door swings open before he gets the chance, and an old, slightly withered woman stands in his shadow.

 

“yang jeongin?” she asks, eyes narrowed. she looks a little angry.

 

“um… yes?”

 

her face breaks into a smile rivaling felix’s, and she wraps him in a bone crushing hug (a surprising feat for such a small and thin old woman).

 

“come in, honey.” she discreetly wipes some tears, and jeongin pretends not to see it. they walk into her living room. a ferret sits in one of the seats.

 

“wh-”

 

“that’s bartholomew,” she explains. at his name, bartholomew chitters and scales to the top of the chair. “he’s nice, but don’t step on him.” jeongin nods. then he remembers the occasion.

 

“merry christmas, _halmeoni_.”

 

she turns and scowls at him. “bah. christmas is fake. the _real_ thing we should be talking about how your birthday is in less than two months.”

 

he tries to hide his surprise. “that’s- um… yeah.”

 

“and also.” she sits down and gestures for him to do the same. when he does, bartholomew climbs onto his shoulder and stays there. “tell me about your life. leave nothing out.”

 

he hesitates. “are you su-”

 

“yes,” she says. “your mother is a wicked woman, and you are an angel of a child. and my son… but anyways. i want to know everything.”

 

with great reluctance, he does. he tells her of when he was a kid, how his mother was almost as ruthless as she is now. he tells her about everything that she’s said, that she’s done. that she’s _doing_. he tells her about his own problems, about hyunjin, about his friends. he tells her every detail of his life. and she listens. her face betrays nothing. he finishes with where he sits. bartholomew makes a hissing sound and slips into his hoodie sleeve.

 

hejun sits quietly, eyes unfocused. from his hoodie, bartholomew makes a suspiciously human-sounding grumble. finally, she sighs.

 

“this… what stupid deity wrote this in your fate?” she cracks her bony knuckles. “i’d beat them up myself if i could. regardless, i have a proposition.”

 

“what is it?” jeongin leans back, bartholomew moving to settle over his stomach.

 

“now, i know that this is not something you’ll immediately agree to, honey. you’ll need time to think about it. but if we could somehow figure out how to get you away from all of that; a court case, or just having you live with me, or talking with your father-”

 

“yes,” jeongin blurts. because, god, that sounds like _everything_ he’s been pleading the stars for. okay, maybe not to talk to his dad, but everything else…

 

_there will be consequences._

 

“the problem is, if i try and tell anyone and she finds out,” jeongin clears his throat, hands a little shaky. his leg bounces, and the ferret hisses a little again. “there- there will be consequences.”

 

hejun hisses eerily similar to bartholomew, standing carefully and hobbling into her kitchen. jeongin supports bartholomew in his arms, still under his hoodie, and rushes after her. “she can suck my-”

 

“woah, wow, jeez, _halmeoni_. you’re worse than hyunjin.”

 

“ah, yes, the boy.” she turns to face him. it’s like she sensed he needed a change in conversation. “what are you going to do about this whole love fest?”

 

“well, i don’t exactly know,” he admits.

 

“just kiss him or something.” she cackles at his quickly growing blush. “i’m serious! boom, no more unresolved whatever your poor friends must deal with. kiss and make up, that’s what all the craze is these days.”

 

“that song came out in 2008, _halmeoni_.”

 

“whatever.” she sobers up. “just allow yourself this happiness. allow yourself hope.”

 

it’s almost like she can read his mind. he nods, trying to ignore the returning knot in his throat.

 

“hot chocolate, or tea?” and the moment diffuses. she tells him he can stay for as long as he wants. he opts to spend the night. the rest of the day she talks about her own life, bartholomew never leaving jeongin’s side (literally. he’s nearly attached to the boy’s shoulder).

 

that night, as he settles down in the living room with the fire place (hejun had already gone to bed), his phone buzzes.

 

**_incoming call from: jinnie_ **

 

he takes a deep breath and answers the phone.

 

“hello?”

 

“ _hey, innie. merry christmas. how’s it going with your grandma?_ ” jeongin laughs softly.

 

“you know you could’ve just texted?”

 

“ _uh, well…_ ” he sounds embarrassed. “ _i...kindofsortofmissedyou._ ” it takes a moment for jeongin to decipher what the everloving fuck hyunjin just said. when he does, his cheeks immediately warm, and his stomach feels like it has became a gymnast.

 

“a-ah,” he clears his throat. he can almost hear hyunjin snicker. “shut up. but merry christmas. it’s going really well. she’s, like, she’s super cool.”

 

“ _even cooler than_ mark _?_ ” hyunjin sounds almost jealous. it’s endearing and stupid. jeongin tries not to cackle like his grandmother.

 

“yes, even cooler than mark. she’s just as cool as chan-hyung, even.”

 

“ _am i as cool as chan-hyung?_ ”

 

“you’re a loser.” hyunjin lets out an offended gasp, and this time jeongin does burst out laughing.

 

“ _yah! i am your hyung?_ ”

 

“sure don’t act like it.”

 

“ _the hang up button is looking really good right now_.”

 

“you won’t.”

 

“ _bet!”_

 

 _“_ bet.” jeongin waits.

 

“ _okay, so maybe i won’t. and what about it?_ ” that starts the hysterics all over again. and just like that, the boys fall drift off, still on the phone. bartholomew curls up on jeongin’s head, draped like an eye mask that he hasn’t pulled down yet.

 

if hejun comes out an hour later and takes a picture, no one has to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can we get a whoop whoop  
> how y'all likin hejun???  
> if this chap seems boring it's bc of the lack of angst and also the plot tingz. we got some tashty hyunin, changlix, sorry minsung and woochan we'll get em next time  
> my fav character is Bartholomew and he's based off of my brother's old ferret (rip jingles).  
> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated (to those ppl that comment every chapter, ilysm and everytime i post i get so excited to read what u think/ur reactions akfkslkg)  
> my twt is @fmeupbuttercup !


	19. a bird set free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: there is a LOT of violence in this chapter, mentions of anxiety, and relative things to those. pls be super careful and stay safe!!!!

 

waking up to music playing, to a lively house, to _a human_ , is new. waking up when the sun is already up is new.

 

and waking up with a ferret staring down at him is _definitely_ new.

 

he yelps and scoots back to brace himself against the armrest of the couch. bartholomew blinks and buries himself under jeongin’s chin. he’s like a prickly, slightly oily scarf.

 

“good morning, dear,” hejun calls from the entrance of the kitchen. she has a tray in her hands, an old fashioned tea set on it with steam curling into the cold air. she puts the tray down on the coffee table, and he sends her a questioning look.

 

“tea always helps, honey,” she says. “tea reminds you that, even for this one moment, you’re okay.” jeongin nods, smiling at her. he takes a cup and waits for it to cool.

 

“i plugged in your phone,” she continues conversationally. jeongin, who was taking a sip of tea, chokes. “ _heart heart_ jinnie _heart heart_ , hmm?” he flushes.

 

“uh, yeah, that’s hyunjin. y’know…”

 

“can you remind me?”

 

“he’s the, the kid! the one that-” he looks over to see his grandmother snickering at his struggle, and pouts. “you’re making fun of me.”

 

“you make it so easy,” she crows, beaming at him. he can’t even keep up being fake mad. 

 

three days pass similar to that. group face times with his friends from hejun’s laptop (“you live in a cottage and yet you still have a macbook?” “i’m not completely out of the loop, boy. iphone x’s are just overrated, is all.”), private calls with hyunjin, and quality time with his grandmother.

 

they’re probably the best few days of his entire life.

 

but just when the visible marks of his older struggles evaporate from his skin, they rain down again, harder.

 

jeongin’s phone rings on the third day at his grandmother’s, at 10:52 in the evening. assuming it’s hyunjin, he answers without glancing at the caller id.

 

“hey! how was your day?”

 

“ _yang jeongin, where in hell are you?!”_ he freezes.

 

all good things come to an end. but _why_ does it have to stop so soon?

 

“m-mom?”

 

“ _yes, you insolent boy. where the fuck are you? we’re here, at home, and you’re not here.”_

 

“a-ah, um, i’m, um.” hejun comes into the room at that moment and sees his straight posture and the terror in his face. she sits down next to him. “i’m at grandmother’s.”

 

“ _my mother’s home? she would have-”_

 

“no. i’m at _hejun’s_ home.” there’s silence on the other side of the line.

 

then there’s a crash. something was just broken.

 

“ _your father is coming to get you.”_

 

“wait-”

 

“ _don’t you dare say another word. you’re honestly such a disgrace.”_

 

the call ends. he turns to his grandmother, taking a deep breath. “thank you f-for letting me stay here, and taking care of me. i really, um, appreciate-” before he gets to finish, hejun sweeps him up in a bone-crushing hug. at this point in his life, jeongin is sure he’s all out of tears. his eyes are dry even with the lump in his throat. 

 

“she lies, honey. you’re _not_ a disgrace. you’re the most wonderful boy anyone could ever ask for, okay? and i love you so much.” she combs his fringe off of his forehead.

 

“i love you too,” he whispers.

 

they stay still, on the couch in front of the fireplace for what feels like a long time. jeongin wishes that two hours could be longer.

 

a knock sounds at the door, breaking the silence. 

 

knowing it might be the last time he’s able to use his phone for a while, he texts chan something along the lines of _my mom is home, i might not be able to use my phone. please tell the others?_

 

hejun opens the door slowly, hand tightening around the doorknob.

 

“joonho,” she says softly, allowing him in. “it’s been a long time since i’ve seen my only son.”

 

“mom,” jeongin’s father replies in a similar voice, just far more tired. “please don’t do this, i can’t-”

 

“i know.” she watches as jeongin steps into the hall. “but you’re not the only one.” she turns and hugs her grandson again. in his ear, she tells him that her home is always open and her phone is always on, as is her computer. 

 

jeongin climbs into the passenger seat with some hesitation, feeling numbness seep into his bones as they pull away from the curb and into the night. he silences his phone when it vibrates with a call from chan.

 

“how angry is she?” he asks. his father sighs, hands tight on the steering wheel. he looks a lot like hejun, jeongin notices. the man looks guilty.

 

“you’re spared tonight, just because of her jetlag. jeongin, why would you do this?” his father saying his name- wait, no- his father _talking_ to him is such a foreign concept that goosebumps arise on his arms. “you _know_ -”

 

“if you were a bird, and you got shot at all of your life, used as target practice, caged, clawed at by a cat- would you not take the chance of freedom if the cage door was open? i’d rather die for leaving that home then rot away bruised because i stayed.” his father stays silent, point understood. the rest of the two-hour ride remains the same way.

 

when the car parks in the driveway and he steps out and closes his door, jeongin sees movement coming toward him from across the street.

 

the tall stature can only be hyunjin. his father gives them a nervous, but understanding, look.

 

“five minutes.” he disappears through the house’s door.

 

“innie,” hyunjin says, despair for jeongin clear in his voice. he opens his arms.

 

jeongin falls into them. he’s shaking, but still, no tears. he just fists the back of hyunjin’s hoodie in his hands and buries his face in his sternum.

 

“i’m sorry,” jeongin breathes. hyunjin’s arms shift and hold him closer, still. 

 

“baby, no, _no_ . it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay. you can’t go in there, you really can’t.” jeongin tries to pull himself away, but hyunjin’s grip keeps him captive. “ _you can’t_.”

 

“it _is_ okay. i kind of have to.” internally, jeongin knows.

 

_she’s going to kill me tomorrow. i am going to die if she has a single drink._

 

“everything will be fine, don’t worry, hyung.”

 

“jeongin, please.” hyunjin has tears in _his_ eyes, pulling away himself and cupping jeongin’s neck: if his mother were to come out at that moment, it’s not the gayest thing they could be doing.

 

jeongin backs up, feeling risky. he kisses hyunjin’s palm. “i love you,” he mumbles, and hyunjin starts shaking too. “she’s asleep, hyung. nothing’s gonna happen tonight.”

 

“i love you too, that’s why you- you can’t-”

 

“go home, love.” jeongin turns and walks inside, hearing the other sob. they’re so much _worse_ than christmas eve. they hurt his own throat just listening. “hurry,” he encourages frantically, before shutting the door as quietly as possible and padding up the stairs. he gets to his room and locks his door, heart pounding. 

 

the night could’ve gone much, much worse. his mother could’ve been awake. hyunjin could’ve not been there. he could’ve not said ‘i love you’ back to jeongin. he thanks anyone who listens. 

 

jeongin doesn’t sleep. he doesn’t bother trying. he paces, he picks his fingernails till they bleed, he cleans his room. finally, he climbs up onto the roof.

 

when he’s there, he kneels and folds over, into a complete bow. 

 

“please,” he begs. “please…” he doesn’t know what he’s asking. spare him? send help?

 

_do i deserve it?_

 

the wind bats at him harshly, freezing the tip of his nose and pelting him with razor-sharp snowflakes. what had seemed so soft only days before now stabs at his skin.

 

the sun rises slowly, he discovers. when he’s back in his room, he listens as his mother and father argue, watches through his other window as they climb into their car and drive off. he waits in his room and watches his clock blink as the hours tick by.

 

finally, he goes downstairs and sees a note. apathy swirls around him, threatening to consume him. he hopes to god it works on pain, too.

 

 _We’ll be out all day. Do_ _not_ _leave the house._

 

_-Eunji_

 

almost as soon as he puts the note down, the door is nearly broken down with knocking. he wanders over, looking through the peephole and swinging it open in surprise.

 

“channie-hyung? jinnie... what are you doing h-” chan squishes him tightly, and hyunjin waits his turn. when chan separates, hyunjin swoops in, pulling him into his chest. even when they break out of the hug, he keeps jeongin wrapped in his arms. 

 

“are you allowed to leave?” chan asks. “has she hurt you yet?”

 

“no, and she was asleep last night.”

 

“what if… if you really won’t leave- fuck. what if we put cameras-” jeongin stares at his oldest friend in astonishment, then fear. 

 

“no! n-no, are you stupid? she’ll find them. she’ll _know_.” he distantly feels hyunjin pull him closer. “she’ll kill me. she’s going to-to kill me, hyung. you have to go, you have to-”

 

“jeongin,” chris interrupts gently, smoothing his hair like it’s ruffled feathers. jeongin can’t understand why this _wise_ man thinks this is a _good_ idea. this house will shake when the sun goes down, and he may not survive it. “please, come with us. please, leave. _please_ , innie, you can’t stay and let this happen. i won’t let this happen.” chris stops begging when jeongin turns in hyunjin’s arms and presses his ear to his chest. the other boy’s heart is pounding. hyunjin rests his chin on jeongin’s head, and it feels like he nods. jeongin doesn’t know why. he doesn’t care. 

 

finally, he sighs, looking at the door and disentangling his limbs from hyunjin. “you guys should go.”

 

“but-”

 

“if she comes back early,” jeongin cuts in swiftly, “you will not have fun. please go.”

 

“okay, but _please_ text me at the end of tonight, or something,” chris insists. jeongin nods, so chris turns and slips out the door.

 

hyunjin faces jeongin. “my baby,” he whispers, voice shaky and thick with tears. he kisses jeongin’s forehead. “you better be safe, or i’ll kill you myself.” it’s like a double whammy, the ‘baby’ and the kiss. jeongin flushes.

 

“i’ll kill you if you fluster me again,” he grumbles, and hyunjin laughs wetly. “go away, you’re boring.”

 

“you wound me,” hyunjin says, reluctant to leave.

 

“jinnie, please go, i have a bad feeling.” jeongin pushes him through the door, sending him stumbling toward chris. “go, you need to leave. now.” they nod, faces white, and walk quickly across the street.

 

ten minutes later, jeongin sits on the edge of the stairs when he hears the car pull in. he stands and climbs the stairs, getting halfway up before-

 

“yang jeongin.” his mother’s voice comes from the kitchen. he walks back down the stairs and through the arch, standing in front of his mother but still far enough to be out of swinging distance. “who the hell do you think you are?”

 

“i-”

 

“do not open your _fucking_ mouth, boy. do you understand what you’ve done? you betrayed me, by going to that _woman’s_ house.” she spits the words, pinching the bridge of her nose.

 

“i’- i’m sorry, mom-”

 

“what did i say about calling me that?” she takes a step closer, and he takes two steps back. she sneers at his fear. “good to see you know your place. go to your room, and don’t come down until dinner, understand?” he nods, but doesn’t move out of slight terror. she raises a hand against him, a warning.

 

he’s never moved so fast in his life. 

 

he shuts his door quietly and stares at the wall, illuminated by the sinking sun. if this is how she is _before_ drinking… he puts on the thickest clothes he can, shaking out his nerves.

 

☾

 

“dinner!” his mother bellows from below, around 8. the sun has long since sunk past the horizon. jeongin takes a long time getting down to the kitchen. 

 

his mother and father sit at their usual place. upon closer inspection, jeongin notices an empty bottle of wine on the counter. 

 

there’s a half-full one on the table. he tries to remain light- _how is this woman’s liver not failing right now?_ it doesn’t really work. he sits at his spot.

 

“so, did you have fun at her house?” his mother asks loudly, mouth full of rice. jeongin winces.

 

“no, ma’am. you were right about her.” it hurts him _so much_ to say it, and he sends a silent apology to hejun. 

 

“of course i was. were you expecting anything different?” she hisses, sitting straight up.

 

“n-no, ma’am.” she nods in approval, settling back down into her seat, before continuing.

 

“and what of your disease?” she takes a long drink of her wine. it’s darker than her red lipstick- much more like the blood he can feel dripping off him and forming rivers. “are you still thinking you’re a _faggot?”_ he clenches his teeth.

 

“ma’am-”

 

“you shut the fuck up, boy. god, you should have said no. i always have to- i have to teach you how _wrong_ it is to stop _listening_ . i show you time and time again, and yet you’re still such a _disappointment_ ,” she ends with a shrill voice, standing. he does, too, jerking away from the table.

 

“ma’am, i was going to say-”

 

“i don’t _care_ , you fucking idiot child. you disgust me. you must be _stupid_ , i don’t want that blood in my family-”

 

but then jeongin’s father does something that he’s never done. he stands, too- not just from the table, but _for_ jeongin.

 

“eunji,” he says unsteadily. “perhaps this time, we should g-give him a pass?” she turns slowly to him.

 

“i am your _wife_ . your faithful, _loyal_ wife.” she stalks around the table, stumbling a little, and grabs her steak knife. jeongin’s eyes widen. “and you backstab me? perhaps i should backstab _you_.”

 

“mom-” jeongin yelps. he doesn’t know his father, not really. but he doesn’t want him to die. 

 

he doesn’t get there fast enough. the man doesn’t even fight back much- the knife sinks into his stomach, and he folds in on himself, crumpling to the ground. jeongin feels himself scream, doesn’t really remember doing it.

 

his mother whips around and skids towards him. he narrowly dodges, and she pushes him into the room’s corner. he tries to push off, but she drops the knife and swings. 

 

it’s around the third hit that his knees give out and he slides to the ground. there’s banging and shouting at the door, but he can’t hear it well over his own mother screaming at him, the sensation of her kicking him becoming familiar. she takes her almost-empty wine glass and throws it at him- it shatters against his jaw and slices his skin painfully. he curls up, covering his head. she falls to her own knees and grabs him by the hair.

 

“look what you _made_ me,” she tells him, eyes manic and wide, hair frazzled. she’s the picture of insanity. a well put together woman on the outside, but it’s so clear to see- 

 

she’s hardly a woman at all. 

 

“look what i’ve done because of _you_ .” he’s still not crying. maybe she’d be satisfied if he could just _cry_ , why can’t he _cry_ -

 

she presses her thumbs to his windpipe, much like before, and the panic kicks in, but he’s too weak, too broken, too _useless._ he kicks out his legs feebly, and she slips in blood- _whose blood is that?-_ landing on her chest. he can’t stand, but he can crawl. he goes as fast as he can do the door, that’s genuinely shaking. there’s someone yelling _stand back_ -

 

his mother grabs his ankle, and his chin slams into the ground. she pulls him back and drags him until his hands latch on to a door frame. 

 

“i’ll _kill you_ , you _disgusting-_ ” the door bursts open, and men and women fly through. his mother, with difficulty, is pried off by the people.

 

 _police_ , he realizes. once she’s gone, a woman clad in the same uniform holsters her gun and kneels next to him. 

 

“can you hear me?” she calls.

 

“my dad, kitchen, stabbed,” he gasps in lieu of a response. she fires the information off to another officer, who turns tale and rushes into the kitchen.

 

as soon as the adrenaline wears off, his face and body feel like they’re on fire. he reaches a hand up to brush his nose. the woman catches his wrist a little too fast, and suddenly, he’s terrified, looking straight into his mother’s crazed eyes again. he doesn’t even realize he’s screaming again, dragging himself away from her, but then there’s familiar voices and his eyes open on their own. his breathing is ragged enough that he can’t hear what they’re saying, but he’s here.

 

his own personal superhero, trying to push past the men at the door. chan is just behind him.

 

he tries to get closer, as best he can when he’s crawling painfully across the floor. a man stops him, not making the same mistake the other officer did and crouching slowly.

 

“hey, buddy. can you tell me your name?”

 

hyunjin can’t see him. he can’t see him, but jeongin can see hyunjin.

 

“hyunjin,” he tries. it’s a hoarse whisper. 

 

“hyunjin?” the officer asks. “that’s your name?”

 

he shakes his head as best he can and tries again. “ _hyunjin.”_ it’s still barely speaking volume, but it’s loud enough.

 

it dons on the officer right as hyunjin hears jeongin. the older begins struggling ferociously, begging to _just please let me through, you have to let me through_. the man on the ground next to him calls for them to let the two boys in, who immediately take off sprinting- but when they see jeongin, they freeze in place. he doesn’t know how bad he looks, but he feels all of his muscles relax. his eyes flutter shut and he sighs.

 

“which one of you is hyunjin?” the officer asks them. he hears hyunjin let out a choked sob and there’s a thumping sound next to jeongin. 

 

“innie, _innie_ , hey, open your eyes, yeah?” jeongin tries, managing to be only partially successful. the officer stands and calls for paramedics to "hurry their asses up", talking to chan in rapid speech, before lowering to their level again. hyunjin repeats his name like a mantra.

 

“baby, i’m here, see? everything’s okay, you’re- you-” he’s crying too hard. jeongin reaches a hand up to brush his hair back and attempts a smile. it hurts a lot, particularly in his lower cheek and jaw, so he stops.

 

“‘s okay, i’m okay.”

 

“you- why did you _stay_ , innie, why didn’t you _come with us_?” hyunjin weeps, body shaking like a leaf, grabbing the hand in his hair and pressing it against his face. paramedics come in, their white outfits blurring together when they surround him, and jeongin gets dizzy. 

 

“where’d you go?” he whispers as his vision clears, his friends out of sight. he feels his anxiety spiked as he’s shifted onto a stretcher. “hyungs, wh-” he wants to get up. he starts to, but one of the paramedics gently holds him down. “ _where’d you go-”_ he thrashes wildly, eyes darting about. he faintly hears them close by, but he’s too busy trying to escape. 

 

he’s always trying to escape.

 

there’s a sharp pain in his arm. he looks down to see a needle leave it.

 

“we need you to calm down, okay? your friends can come with you. they’ll be here in just a second.” he has no idea who’s talking, but his body is getting heavier by the second, while his head gets lighter. 

 

moments later, people are clambering in beside him.

 

“we’re here, bub,” chan murmurs, rubbing his thumb between jeongin’s eyebrows soothingly. “you’re doing so good, we’re so proud.”

 

“‘s all my fault, hyungie,” jeongin slurs, reaching blindly for hyunjin and chan separately. he grabs a pole instead of hyunjin, who gently replaces the metal with his hand.

 

“no it’s not,” hyunjin says weakly, squeezing his hand. “it’s never, _ever_ your fault.”

 

“she stabbed my dad,” jeongin continues deliriously. “i made her like that, she even said..sh...” his head lulls, hand going slack in hyunjin’s.

 

“hey, hey- jeongin, _innie-”_

 

“he’s okay, hyunjin. it’s okay, he’s gonna be okay.” chan pulls the boy into his shoulder, where it remains the whole way to the hospital. he never once releases the death grip on jeongin’s hand.

 

☾

 

the other boys are in a group phone call with woojin, who had arrived half an hour after jeongin was delivered. they haven’t been allowed to see him, yet.

 

chan leans against woojin’s shoulder and speaks quietly into the mic of the headphones plugged into his boyfriend’s phone. hyunjin zones out.

 

“excuse me?” the officer who had helped jeongin at the house sits next to hyunjin, who didn’t even notice him coming in. “i’m hyungwon. i came to ask some questions and check on jeongin-ssi."

 

"hello, officer," hyunjin mumbles, offering a half-hearted bow before righting himself and staring at the empty chairs across the room.

 

"how long has his mother been doing that sort of thing?" the man asks gently.

 

"i… don't know," hyunjin realizes, looking to chris. the blond notices, his face turning grim; he had obviously been listening to the officer. he shifts in his seat to face them.

 

"i met jeongin in his freshman year; he was 14 at the time. he didn't open up to me about it until he came to school with two broken fingers and a sprained wrist. he wasn't specific, but he mentioned a worse injury in fifth grade- i'm not sure… if that was the earliest." the officer nods, face carefully blank. 

 

"have you heard the extent of his injuries he sustained today?"

 

at hyungwon's second question, both hyunjin and woojin look at chris. after all, he's the only one who was told, and has kept relatively vague about it. he sighs, eyes angry.

 

"bruises nearly everywhere, particularly prominent around his neck, broken nose, multiple lacerations caused by glass that required stitches, and 3 broken ribs. horrible psychological damage, obviously." as he finishes, hyunjin shoves his fist in his mouth to keep from screaming. his jeongin. they're talking about _his_ jeongin.

 

"he's just a kid," hyunjin whispers without thinking, hugging himself. his fingers bruise his own biceps with the tightness that he grips them. 

 

officer hyungwon looks like he wishes he could be doing the same.

 

"do you know any relatives of his that aren't involved in this situation?"

 

"whatever you do, do not contact the kim side of his family. i called his grandmother, yang hejun, and sent an uber for her, so she should be-"

 

legend say that if you speak of the devil, he shall appear.

 

the woman hyunjin assumes is yang hejun resembles the devil, right about now.

 

she opened the glass door quietly and calmly. when she sees chris, she stalks toward them similar to how scar approached zazu in the lion king. woojin gets hugged first and is told,  “you must be woojin, eh? such a handsome young man.” he smiles tiredly and bows, a light blush on his face. then she turns to the person who had been watching her grandson- the person she knew had been taking more care of yang jeongin than her daughter in-law and son ever did.

 

chris opens his mouth to speak, but before he can, she cuts him off with a terrifying glare and wraps him in a hug as tight as a (much smaller) boa constrictor strangling its prey. 

 

hyunjin faintly hears her murmur something into his ear, and watches as chris's body starts trembling. the man buries his face into the older woman's shoulder and breaks down.

 

his companions stare at the scene with shock and sadness. the strongest, most intimidating man hyunjin has ever known finally breaks. hyunjin realizes that up until this moment, chris hardly, if ever, has shown weakness in front of them.

 

it hurts.

 

when he finally sobers up a little and pulls away from hejun, the woman turns to hyunjin.

 

"you're even more, to quote my grandson, “pretty” than the pictures he showed me," she says, and then brings him in. if hyunjin thought she looked short next to chris, it's nothing compared to how he towers over her. it doesn't change how reassuring the hug is, though. he presses his cheek against the top of her head hesitantly.

 

“thank you,” she whispers to him. “you saved his life far more times than you know.” hyunjin starts to shift, surprised and on the verge of crying, but then she tightens her arms and says, “he’s safe now, my boy. you don’t have to be scared anymore.” he sighs shakily, squeezing his eyes shut to prevent any more tears from escaping.

 

“thank you,” he whispers. she pushes him down by the shoulders so she can look him in the eye, and then she smiles.

 

her grin is so alike jeongin’s that it startles him.

  
“he told me you were a brat,” she muses with mirth filled eyes. hyunjin flushes. “you _do_ look the type.” before he can reply, a nurse stops by, letting them know that jeongin was moved to room 221 on the second level, and he’d stay there for at most two days, assuming he heals well. 

 

they all stand slowly, looking at each other and then officer hyungwon, who had been watching with a barely concealed smile.

 

“tell jeongin-ssi that i might come by tomorrow to ask some things, okay?” they all nod, and the officer takes his leave. 

 

the elevator ride up to the second level was relatively quick and completely silent, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. they go to the nurse at the front desk, who tells them that only two people or less can go in each room at a time, and upon asking one of his colleagues, tells them that jeongin isn’t awake, but he will be soon.

 

they all turn to hejun in expectance. her eyes find chris.

 

“you should go first,” they advise in the same voice, simultaneously. despite the seriousness of the situation, they all crack up. it’s ten o’clock at night, four teenagers and one old woman are in a hospital for their friend/borderline son/grandson/first love, and they’re laughing semi-deliriously. they all calm down around the same time, and hejun pats chan’s cheek.

 

“he’s far more of a son to you than a grandson to me, no matter how equal the love. you should go first,” hejun continues, smiling gently with a fierce glint in her eye. chan looks like he’s going to burst into tears again. instead, he just nods gently.

 

☾

  


jeongin wakes up with no feeling in his entire body. even his mind, for once, is empty. 

 

it lasts maybe two seconds.

 

then he remembers his mother’s abuse and the screaming and blacking out, scrambling to get up. he must’ve fallen asleep on the floor, wincing at the burning hot pain in his ribs and struggling to open his eyes. hands come from nowhere and brush his shoulders. he flinches away, trying his hardest to _escape_ , but the pain becomes overwhelming and he slumps back onto the ground.

 

“innie, it’s okay, bub, it’s just me. it’s just me, you’re safe.” chan’s voice feels like someone put a cool wet washcloth to his feverish skin.

 

“hyung?”

 

“yeah, it- it’s me,” chan says again. his voice is unstable. jeongin prys his eyes open.

 

he’s in a hospital, specifically on a bed rather than the floor. chan sits next to him on said bed, combing his fingers gently through jeongin’s damp fringe. the older man looks horrible- almost sickly pale, with puffy eyes and a red nose. his lip wobbles, and his eyebrows crease together. he looks like he’s going to cry.

 

“what’s- what happened?” jeongin’s voice is too quiet. it’s far too quiet, and his body feels as weak as paper and as heavy as rocks.

 

“the police came. you were- you w-were banged up- _ah damn it_ \- pretty, um, pretty bad.” his voice pitches up slightly.

 

“don’t cry, hyungie, it’s okay,” jeongin mumbles. it’s like a damn collapses because of his words.

 

chan presses his head forcefully into his hands, body wracking with the force of mostly-silent sobs. jeongin reaches up with the arm opposite of the pain in his torso and pulls him down, cradling the older’s head nestling in his shoulder like chan had done for him so many times in his life. “i’m sorry,” chan chokes out near silently. “i’m so sorry, i’m sorry, innie.”

 

“‘s okay, channie-hyung.” jeongin pets down his frizzed up hair. “you didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

“i should’ve tried harder to make you leave. i should’ve been there to protect you,” he cries harder at his own words. “i love you so much, i’m so sorry.”

 

“hey now,” jeongin says, tugging chris away by his hair. “let’s not act like i’m dead, right? i’m just fine, only a couple of bruises.”

 

“jeongin,” chris manages a small chuckle. “your ribs are broken. there are stitches on your face.”

 

“what can i say, i’ve always wanted to be a scarecrow.”

 

“jeongin-” chris actually starts laughing, and jeongin smiles a little too. his stitches make his skin pull and itch uncomfortably, and his ribs hurt just from breathing, but he’ll be okay. “we’ll talk about everything else later, alright? like what happened with-”

 

“is my father okay?” jeongin almost sits up in bed as he speaks, but chris anticipates it and presses him back down.

 

“as far as i’ve heard, he’s gonna be fine,” the other assures, and he relaxes again. “i’m gonna go grab hejun.” jeongin’s eyes widen, and he nods carefully (the stitches span down his neck, and he’s not trying to open them like that).

 

the woman comes in less than a minute later, pausing at the door.

 

“oh, honey,” she says sadly, rounding the bed and sitting in the chair next to the bed. “how are you feeling, my boy?”

 

“i’m alright, just a little sore.” she snorts, but he continues, rolling his eyes in faux annoyance. “what do you think of my friends?”

 

“that bang chan is a cutie,” she tells him. “very damaged, i think- not by you, don’t go looking guilty- but he cares so much about you. he’s too grown up for his age.” jeongin nods. that sounds exactly like chan. “his partner, woojin, i didn’t speak to, as much, but he’s quite lovely.”

 

“and, um, hyunjinnie?” she looks incredibly amused and knowing, and he hides his face in his good hand. 

 

“easy on the eyes and heart.” she pauses. “and he cares for you very much.” jeongin looks up again. “i have to go visit your father before visiting hours are up, and i’m sure you’d like your boy in here, too, so i’ll be on my way.” she kisses his forehead and he squeezes her hand, leaving them both with a mutual understanding- _i’ll see you soon_. 

 

chris pops his head in to say that woojin has to go take care of the other boys, and after the okay from jeongin, he disappears. 

 

and finally, hyunjin walks through the door. 

 

his pretty, red rimmed eyes find jeongin’s and then suddenly his knees just give out. jeongin’s heart picks up because _oh god is he okay_ -

 

hyunjin scrambles to his feet and staggers to the bed, somehow knowing which side to avoid, and presses kisses all over jeongin’s face. the younger boy giggles breathlessly, because _what the fuck_ but also _i love this boy so much_. 

 

“jinnie- hey, jin-” hyunjin pulls back a fraction of a centimeter, eyes locked on jeongin’s. tears, not his own, hit jeongin’s cheek. 

 

“you’re okay,” he whispers hoarsely. “oh my god, you’re okay.”

 

“i _told_ you i was,” jeongin nags, and hyunjin narrows his eyes, sniffling.

 

“i never believe you,” he says, leaning forward and pressing his forehead against jeongin’s. “you always lie about how you are because you’re so selfless. but innie, please stop doing that, okay?” jeongin’s eyes leave hyunjin’s, who decides he’s not having that, and turns his head to follow them. “hey, i have to tell you something.”

 

“in this position?” jeongin squeaks. hyunjin does his little giggle-laugh (jeongin’s heart thumps painfully, and the monitor goes a bit faster than the patients around him). 

 

the older boy nods. “yeah.”

 

“get on with it, then.” it comes out as more of a grumble that anything, and hyunjin’s smile widens, hands cupping jeongin’s cheeks feather-light, avoiding the stitches. 

 

“i love you _so much._ be my boyfriend?” he whispers, kissing jeongin’s forehead and then pulling back. the monitor goes so fast that a nurse jogs in to check on the younger boy.

 

“i’m okay,” he manages, “he’s just an asshole.” the nurse smiles amusedly and nods, padding back out, while hyunjin presses his face into jeongin’s good side and laughs so hard he nearly falls out of his chair. “yes, but i loath you, hwang hyunjin.”

 

“i think you mispronounced _love_ , baby.” jeongin smacks him, and he laughs again, before studying the younger boy. “go back to sleep, okay?”

 

“i’m not even that tired,” jeongin lies.

 

“okay, then go back to _drug induced_ sleep.”

 

“regardless of the circumstance, there’s no way i can sleep unless-”

 

“for me?” hyunjin’s eyes grow wide as fast as jeongin’s cheeks grow red, lips forming a pout. 

 

“cheating,” jeongin mumbles, but burrows further into his blankets to avoid hyunjin’s admittedly love-struck face of victory. “goodnight, hyung.”

 

“goodnight, innie baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to start off  
> EVERYONE WAS SO HAPPY ABOUT THE FLUFF CHAPTER, BUT AJFBAIDSFJVDLSDKF THIS H A D TO HAPPEN I'M SORRY  
> it should be the last time anything like this will happen to innie tho;  
> honestly there'll be smooth sailing from here, so yeeeee  
> they! are! dating!  
> everyone say thank you hwang hyunjin, yang hejun, and bang christopher chan!  
> also, this is being posted a little later in the day simply because i thought it was tuesday- always take the drugs required to sleep, kids!  
> comments and kudos are appreciated!!!! <3 love yall sm!


	20. it's gonna be okay now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; mentioned violence and blood.

 

 

 

_ innie, hey- _

 

_ hyunjin is screaming. chan is screaming, and jisung, and seungmin and felix. woojin and changbin stand next to him, shaking him and begging for him to do something, anything,  _ this is your fault, jeongin. 

 

_ jeongin tries so hard to get to his friends, his mother’s voice ringing out after every throb of light. he knows she’s hurting them, he knows she’s killing them. he rounds the corner. _

 

_ minho lies in front of him, chest unmoving. the other boys have stopped screaming, all in similar states. blood pools around them, and his mother stands over hyunjin, steak knife poised. _

 

_ “innie!” he’s screaming, eyes begging. just before jeongin reaches him, his mother plunges the knife into him, and hyunjin goes down. his mother vanishes from sight, but jeongin doesn’t care. he kneels in the blood, hands pressed into the too-large wound in hyunjin’s gut, watching as hyunjin stops breathing. it doesn’t start up again. _

 

_ hands drag him away, and he’s in the corner, enduring strike after strike, lungs burning, his mouth tasting of metal. _

 

_ jeongin- _

 

_ there’s ringing in his ears, fingers pressing into his windpipe, and his mother materializes in front of him, grotesque spider-like limbs holding him in place. _

 

_ worthless, disgrace, disgusting, die, you should die, you have to- _

 

“ _ jeongin! _ ” hyunjin, as well as several nurses, stand over him. the ringing separates into the rapid beeping of his heart monitor, and pain flares up everywhere. his hands grip hyunjin’s wrists so hard that his fingers ache, and yet he can’t let go. the nurses are administering something into his arm with a shot, but he can’t breathe, and the pounding in his ears that synchs up with the monitor overwhelms anything they’re saying. all he can do is stare at hyunjin, trying to reassure himself that yes, he’s alive, he’s here.

 

“hey, you have to breathe,” hyunjin pleads, hands with wrists still ensnared with jeongin’s fingers coming up and pressing gently against his temples. his thumbs rub up jeongin’s nose bridge and between his eyebrows lightly, and the younger boy feels himself calming to a certain degree. his body suddenly begins to feel heavier as well, and he assumes it’s from the shot the nurses had given him. “you’re safe.”

 

“ _ you’re  _ safe,” jeongin chokes, prying his own fingers from hyunjin and pulling the older down with no finesse. hyunjin catches himself before he lands completely on jeongin due to his ribs, but rolls so that he’s on the opposite side of the damaged area. jeongin presses his face into hyunjin’s neck, disregarding his painful nose, the older boy nodding to the nurses as they motion to the door and leaving. “c-can we call chan-hyung?”

 

“of course,” hyunjin murmurs soothingly, pulling his phone out and dialing the older boy. it’s like chan was waiting for a call, with the speed that he picks up the phone. 

 

“ _ is everything okay?”  _ are the first words out of his mouth, and hyunjin exhales in a laugh at the frantic nature of it. 

 

“are you with the other boys?” jeongin asks, arms tightening around hyunjin.

 

“ _ yeah, but they’re sleeping.”  _

 

are they okay? are minho and jisung and felix okay? is seungmin? is everyone okay?” he can’t stop asking until hyunjin hushes him, petting down his hair. 

 

“ _ they are,”  _ chan sounds worried.  _ “are you okay, bub?”  _ jeongin shakes against hyunjin, who repeats his motion of running a finger up and down jeongin’s nose and forehead. 

 

“yeah, i just- i had to check,” he mumbles. he’s already more tired, body seeping into the mattress. hyunjin’s warmth adds to the feeling. chan makes a small noise, probably meaning he’s getting ready to drive over, the time- 3:32 am, to be precise- be damned. hyunjin does damage control.

 

“hyungie, he’s just gonna go back to sleep, and i’m not going anywhere. get some rest, alright? everyone can come visit tomorrow.” chan sighs and voices his assent. when hyunjin hangs up, he turns back to jeongin.

 

“baby,” he mumbles fondly, brushing his fingertips across jeongin’s cheekbone. “you feeling better?” jeongin nods, cheeks a bit red. hyunjin coos. “go back to sleep, alright? i’ll be here when you wake up.” jeongin hides his face against the older boy, who combs his hair with his fingers. eventually, they both fall asleep.

 

jeongin, naturally, wakes up first. he surveys the ceiling, heart at a normal tempo, memories from the night before (technically the morning of) resurfacing. his stomach turns a little. not a single tear was shed. 

 

_ what’s wrong with you?  _

 

he distracts himself by looking at his sleeping boyfriend-  _ boyfriend,  _ he thinks giddily. hyunjin looks distinctly e-boy when he sleeps, hair all side bangs and fluffy and lips puffed out in a pout. 

 

_ so pretty _ , jeongin muses, smiling down at the boy.

 

“oh my god, you’re awake!” jeongin screams at the voice, jumping. his ribs throb, and hyunjin makes a little groaning sound, nuzzling further into jeongin’s arm and stretching. seungmin at least has the wits to look a little guilty. “sorry, i just got excited! oh my god, i gotta text the others, wow-” he types faster than jeongin thought was possible, and when he’s done, he practically drags hyunjin (who is still sort of sleeping) out of the bed and carelessly drops him in the chair. jeongin doesn’t even have time to burst in to laughter or even register that poor hyunjin is whining up a storm before seungmin takes his spot, squeezing jeongin’s shoulders so tight it hurts a little. “innie, i’m so proud of you,” is the first thing he says when he pulls away, eyes sparkling.

 

“why?” jeongin asks, smiling subconsciously and holding the other boy’s hand. 

 

“because you’ve vanquished the beast,” he jokes, and it’s so unlike seungmin that the younger actually  _ does  _ laugh, which hurts quite a bit. “sorry, you should probably not do that.” jeongin smacks his shoulder, and finally hyunjin is awake enough to pull him away and sit on the edge of the bed, so that both visitors are hardly even on it at all.

 

“but really, baby-” hyunjin starts, but before he can finish, there’s commotion at the door.

 

“INNIE!” he thinks it must be the loudest his name has ever been said, followed by a smack and a hissed  _ there are other people here you fuck!  _

 

of course jisung looks sheepish as he comes in, followed by an irritated minho, and jeongin  _ has  _ to laugh, which results in his ribs screaming at him and his skin stretching painfully against the stitches, but he doesn’t care. the other boys filter in after, but the one who first approaches him is felix. he breaks away from changbin's side like a glacier, nearly at a sprint to get the jeongin. he stops right at the bed, and it's comical- it looks like his body is a vehicle and the little aliens in his brain slammed on the emergency brake. he drops down atop the bed sheets in a similar manner, robotic and careful. his entire face is stone.

 

"yang jeongin," he says softly, running a hand gently through jeongin's hair. "please don't ever keep yourself in a dangerous place if you can help it, okay? i'm not blaming you, because not one second of last night was your fault. but you have to get out of here." he taps jeongin's forehead lightly. "you  _ deserve  _ so much more than that. you are not a terrible person, and yo _ u didn't _ deserve what she did. okay?"

 

the room is silent save the other patient's breathing. jeongin stares at felix with wide eyes and realizes that  _ everyone underestimates him _ . 

 

"how did you-"

 

"love, you're not alone in your struggles. we all… have difficulties, and we know how hard it is. that's why we- chris and ji and bin and i, especially- are so fucking proud. okay?" jeongin feels the knot in his throat tighten and he nods, tugging felix down in a tight hug. one by one, everyone's piling on top of them (mostly felix, because they don't want to inflict any more damage on the youngest), some sniffling and some (hyunjin and jisung) nearly outright crying. when they all pull away, it feels like they took the burden of guilt with them, and jeongin can finally breathe. 

 

someone clears their throat from in front of the bed- with closer inspection, it's the officer- his hospital guest name tag reads  _ hyungwon _ . the boys all unpile from each other, embarrassed at the amused look on the other’s face.

 

“good morning, i see we’re all in fine spirits today. i hope you all don’t mind, but i need to ask jeongin-ssi some questions.” they all filter out somewhat reluctantly, sending looks at jeongin that probably mean something roughly along the lines of “scream if you need help”, which the youngest finds unhelpful but kind nonetheless. chan hesitates at the door.

 

“it’s fine, hyung,” jeongin reassures nervously. 

 

“he can stay, if you want, he just can’t input anything,” hyungwon allows, and jeongin nods almost frantically. chan rushes over and sits on the opposite side of the bed to where hyungwon took his own seat.

 

“so… i asked your friends some questions, but it sounds like you live quite the secretive life,” hyungwon begins. “well, understandably so. i do have similar questions for you, and i need you to answer as best you can, alright?” jeongin makes eye contact with chan, who nods with soft eyes and a smile.

 

“alright,” jeongin agrees.

 

“firstly, how long has the relationship with your mother been abusive?”  _ wow, _ jeongin thinks, reeling,  _ straight to the point. _

 

“um…” he can hardly remember the first time she was rough on him, but the worst parts began around 4th grade. “i was probably 10 or 11 years old when it started.” chan’s fingers grip the sheets of the hospital bed harshly, jaw clenching. officer hyungwon nods.

 

“i’m… really sorry to hear that. can you describe exactly what happened tonight, to your best ability?” 

 

and jeongin does. he says it all in monotone, a far cry from what feels like years ago- telling his friends what happened at the damned dinner when he told his mother that he likes  _ boys _ . he was so panicky, crying and shaking and weak.

 

now? now he’s completely emotionless, and though he’s shaking, his eyes drift while he relives it, eyes dry. sure, he flinches when he recalls his father being stabbed, and traces the stitches and bruises across his face, jaw, chin, and neck when he recalls them being inflicted. but no real feeling flits across his face.

 

when he finishes, he notices both of the other people listening are looking at him with concerned faces. both look grim at the tale, but it’s not the prevailing image they reflect. it’s preceded by the worried glint in chan’s eyes, and the knitted eyebrows of the officer. 

 

“jeongin-ssi,” hyungwon begins gently. “are you okay?” 

 

“no,” jeongin replies dryly with no hesitation whatsoever. “but i’m tired. mainly of everything that keeps happening, but also just in general.” hyungwon nods again.

 

“understandable. we’re- your close family and the police- are building a case against your mother. there’s some legal hashing out going on right now, and i’ll be sure to let you know what the outcome is. do you have any questions or concerns before i’m on my way?” jeongin shakes his head, leaning back in his bed. “just remember that it’s over, alright? you’ve been so strong and held out, and now you won’t have to anymore.” 

 

_ nothing is for certain, yet,  _ jeongin’s mind whispers, not unkindly but rather in worry. regardless, he smiles weakly at the officer as he takes his leave.

 

wen hyungwon is gone, chan takes that side of the bed and wraps jeongin in a half-hug. 

 

“hey bub, it’s gonna be okay,” chan whispers.

 

“are you sure?” his voice comes out so much weaker than he wanted, but it’s also weaved with hope.

 

“i am.” so much conviction, for such a scary situation. chan always  _ has  _ had a way of making people feel okay.

 

“but hyung…” jeongin doesn’t know if he should voice it, but he figures he has nothing to lose. he is tired. of everything. “why am i not crying? why didn’t i cry when she tried to kill my dad? when she tried to kill me? i didn’t cry, i haven’t cried. i don’t understand.” his whole body trembles, and chan carefully brings his other arm around and buries his face into jeongin’s hair.

 

“it’s probably shock,” the older says softly. “but we both know that with some things that manipulate our minds, sometimes our- our emotional reactions don’t work quite right.” he pulls back. “some of us don’t sleep-” he motions to both of them- “some of us isolate or hide,” he glances down at himself- “and some of us just can’t process things at first.” his hand threads itself into jeongin’s hair. “but everything will get better. always keep fighting.”

 

“yeah,” jeongin breathes, feeling, for some reason, more calm. maybe it’s because he’s not alone, and that chan knows what he’s talking about. the blond sighs longingly as he pets jeongin. 

 

“ah, i miss having healthy hair,” he fake-sobs wistfully, and jeongin starts laughing. just like that, the slightly sullen mood evaporates, and the others come back in.

 

shortly after, a nurse checks him over and says that with careful supervision, he can be discharged. hyunjin is the first to help him out of bed, offering him some clothes (the hoodie is definitely hyunjin’s, and the pants look like seungmin’s. the socks and shoes are felix’s- they wear the same size, after all). 

 

“hey, innie,” he murmurs, walking on jeongin’s uninjured side to hold his hand as they hobble slowly out of the hospital, the gang surrounding them. “your house is still pretty off-limits. um, i was wondering, and don’t say yes if you don’t want to, your grandma says you can stay with her! i just, i dunno, thought maybe if you wanted to stay at my house…” hyunjin’s face is flaming red, ears almost on fire, eyes refusing to stop flickering everywhere. jeongin squeezes his hand and beams.

 

“as long as i get to wear more of your clothes,” he tells his boyfriend, who breaks into his heart-stealing smile. from next to them, minho snickers.

 

“that was pretty gay,” he comments, and jisung wheezes. felix begins giggling hysterically, changbin rolling his eyes but grinning from where his boyfriend hangs off of him. chan and woojin watch them with fondness, the former laughing under his breath and the latter looking a little too smug. seungmin just covers his face, averting his gaze from the attention they attract. 

 

“yeah, no shit,” hyunjin exclaims exasperatedly. jeongin cackles like hejun when seungmin slaps hyunjin’s shoulder very violently. maybe life will look up after all, he realizes. maybe.

 

☾

 

when he gets to hyunjin’s house after they all say goodbye, his boyfriend’s mother pulls them into a hug- hyunjin himself shielding jeongin’s bad ribs from being touched.

 

“oh, lovey,” hyunjin’s mother says sadly, brushing jeongin’s hair out of his face. “how are you feeling?”

 

“i’m alright,” he says truthfully.

 

“that’s good, dear,” she tells him, smiling fondly. “you and jin can go upstairs and hang up-  _ carefully _ \- until dinner is ready, all right?” they nod, and hyunjin restrains himself from holding jeongin’s hand- instead he rests his own on jeongin’s back, guiding him carefully up the stairs and into their room.

 

“i take it you haven’t said anything to her?” jeongin guesses, noticing hyunjin’s ashamed expression.

 

“no, i’m honestly a bit of a coward. i don’t even know why, i mean- you did it, why can’t  _ i  _ do it? you even put yourself in danger and i can’t even-” jeongin makes his way over to the taller boy as fast as he can, wrapping his fingers around his bicep and nearly throwing him onto the bed. hyunjin bounces, long limbs flailing, and Jeongin sits on top of his stomach, glaring.

 

“don’t start,” he chastises, but his soft voice doesn’t match his firey eyes. he eventually drops the look and drags his fingers across hyunjin’s hand. “everyone does it differently, jinnie. don’t put yourself down just because you’re not ready- you  _ just  _ realized that you’re… not heterosexual. but that’s okay.” he squeezes the older boy’s fingers. hyunjin looks up at him like he hung the stars, and he climbs off the giant to lie on the bed, face flushing. “stop that.”

 

“stop what?” hyunjin asks, sitting up and shuffling so that they’re lying side by side, bodies pressing against each other. his eyes wander all over jeongin’s face, stars in his eyes.

 

“stop  _ looking  _ at me like that,” jeongin squeaks, shoving hyunjin weakly and covering his face with one hand. 

 

“like  _ what?”  _ the other prods confusedly, turning fully onto his side to stare at jeongin even harder. the younger stays flat on his back, eyes locked on the ceiling.

 

“like you’re… i dunno… stop!”

 

it finally dons on hyunjin just  _ how  _ he’s looking at jeongin, and a smirk tugs at his lips. his eyes glitter even more, and he scoots closer. his breath graces jeongin’s cheek, and the younger snarls halfheartedly. he giggles at the little sound.

 

“oh,” he hums, leaning closer. “looking at you like i’m in love with you?” jeongin chokes on an inhale, nearly bursting into a coughing fit (and restraining it so that his ribs won’t die). “because i am; yanno, in lo-” jeongin slaps his hand over hyunjin’s mouth, who’s full blown laughing now. 

 

“loser,” jeongin snaps, face pink. hyunjin’s thin fingers wrap gently around his wrist to tug his hand off of his mouth, revealing a softer smile. 

 

“you love me, though, so who’s the real loser?”

 

“still you.”

 

“hey! i’m your-” jeongin leans over and kisses hyunjin’s cheek before immediately retracting and closing his eyes shut, the sharp movement making his ribs ache. hyunjin has long since stopped making noise.

 

“you’re not my hyung, you’re my boyfriend,” he says pointedly, opening one eye and chancing a look at the other.

 

his mouth hangs open comically, eyes blown wide and locked on the wall. his cheeks are probably as hot as they look, and slowly a hand comes up and brushes his fingers where jeongin’s lips had been.

 

“i was supposed to do that first,” is the first thing he says, and jeongin smacks his shoulder again. 

 

“shut up, dummy,” jeongin mumbles, but reaches over and intertwines his hand with hyunjin’s anyway. the older boy makes a sound all too familiar to jeongin- back when the older had kissed his band aid. his own cheeks warm. “but i do.”

 

“what?”

 

“i do.”

 

“are we getting married, or-”

 

“hyunjin!” jeongin struggles to sit up, the other instantly helping without thought. when he’s finally upright, leaning carefully against the headboard, he makes eye contact. “you really  _ are  _ stupid. good thing you’re pretty.”

 

“i know  _ that _ , but what do you mean ‘i do’?” hyunjin shifts to face him, legs crossed.

 

“i was kidding, don’t say you’re stupid; that’s just not true,” jeongin immediately amends. “but i mean i do love you. i’ve  _ been  _ in love with you. for a long time.” hyunjin gives him heart eyes again, and jeongin looks away.

 

“why?” he asks gently. jeongin looks back up at him a little too quickly, stitches pulling painfully on his skin, and he hisses. “woah- careful, baby.” the older stands and jogs to the bathroom. he returns with neosporin, aspirin, and princess band aids. jeongin smiles. 

 

hyunjin carefully tends to the stitches, humming something under his breath. when he places the last one, jeongin looks at the other, waiting for him to straighten. instead, hyunjin dips his head and places ghost light kisses on each one. jeongin’s throat makes a high pitched noise that he definitely didn’t permit to leave his body, but it makes hyunjin giggle. the older boy pitches backward, one long string of continuous laughter shaking his body, and he falls off of the bed. jeongin howls, clapping his hands, as hyunjin rolls around on the floor- it’s the happiest he’s been since… since before he realized his feelings came back (or never left), really. it stops him in mid breath, but before hyunjin can say anything about it, his mother calls them down for dinner. 

 

hyunjin insists on helping jeongin down the stairs, but the younger doesn’t complain, just allows it. 

 

they sit down rather unceremoniously next to each other, and it appears like hyunjin’s mother set a pillow down for him on the chair, which he thanks her for.

 

as they settle, hyunjin’s sister sits next to the youngest, and they begin eating.

 

jeongin finds himself not to be hungry. 

 

the dinner table buzzes with laughter and smiles, and it’s so foreign that it almost makes him queasy. he tries to imagine his own family doing this.

 

_ what’s for dinner, dear? _

 

_ a knife to your stomach, my love! _

 

_ oh, thanks! do you want some, son? _

 

_ no, but i’d love for my torso to be stomped in! _

 

“hey innie, are you okay?” hyunjin says quietly, leaning over and resting his hand on jeongin’s. 

 

“yeah, i- i’m fine. just not used to this… atmosphere.” hyunjin nods, smiling while his eyes drift to the staircase-  _ do you want to go?  _ jeongin shakes his head rapidly, and his boyfriend squeezes his hand.

 

“so, jin,” hyunjin’s sister crows (yoohyeon, jeongin thinks), glancing under the table at their hands. “how’s your love life going?” hyunjin chokes on his salad, and jeongin coughs out a surprised laugh.

 

“uh, f-fine,” hyunjin stammers. jeongin tries not to snicker, making eye contact with yoohyeon-  _ she knows, this is so fucking funny _ . 

 

“aren’t you dating someone?” she asks, taking a drink of her water. hyunjin’s ears turn bright red.

 

“oh, is that so, hyunjin?” his father asks, giving his wife a knowing look. “care to spill?”

 

“uh. no,” he says, glancing at jeongin and then away when he sees the younger’s amused face. “not- i mean, yes, i mean-”

 

“jinnie is very shy about it,” jeongin explains. hyunjin shoots him a worried glare. “it took him forever to tell  _ me  _ who he liked, and i’m his best friend. he’ll tell you eventually, i’m sure.” it’s his turn to tighten his grip on hyunjin’s hand. “he just needs time, which i thought made sense.” across the table, the adults nod in agreement, smiling at their son and his (boy)friend. yoohyeon looks impressed, backing off and getting back to eating.

 

the walk back up the stairs after hyunjin’s parents refused to let jeongin wash the dishes is silent, hyunjin’s face strangely closed up. when they get back into the room, he shuts the door quietly but doesn’t turn around, back to jeongin. 

 

“hyunjin? did i, um, do something wrong?” he asks nervously, anxiety causing him to fidget. when the older boy shakes his head, pressing it roughly into the door, jeongin’s nervousness morphs into confusion and concern. “are you okay?” hyunjin nods, but then his shoulders start shaking. jeongin takes as big of strides as he can manage to get to his boyfriend, pressing his hand into the others lower back and then dragging it to his waist to turn him. hyunjin’s head stays pointedly down even as he goes willingly with however jeongin maneuvers him.

 

“can you look at me?” jeongin asks gently, hesitantly reaching up to tilt hyunjin’s chin up. before he can, the other moves at the speed of light, almost knocking him over with a gentle but forceful hug. he sniffles, one arm around jeongin’s good side and one around his neck, hunching over to put his face in the shorter boy’s shoulder. “jinnie, are you- are you crying??”

 

“no,” hyunjin lies into his shoulder. his voice is watery. “it’s just that you’re such a good person.” despite himself, jeongin almost laughs. this boy, older than him by a full year, is probably the cutest person he knows. and he knows  _ felix.  _

 

“so are you,” jeongin says, petting hyunjin’s head and tugging him off. “go sit on the bed.” hyunjin rubs his tears away, already sobering up, and jeongin lies down next to him, smiling. “you’re lovely, aren’t you?” he muses to the dark.

 

“is that why you love me?” hyunjin asks, mirroring their position from earlier, lying on his side. 

 

“not the only reason.”

 

“why, then?”

 

jeongin ponders the question. why?

 

“because you make me feel safe. you make me feel like i’m really home, you know? and i hope i’m not codependent, i just mean… god, you make me so happy. as my friend, you make me happy, but loving you- i’ve never been happier. i just feel okay.” he pauses. “i’ve always had trouble feeling things. i- you just make me feel things- happy, sad, angry, but emotions that i sometimes felt i couldn’t experience.” he laughs a little. “and you’re very handsome, which helps,” he teases.

 

there’s silence for a solid thirty seconds, and then hyunjin is leaning over him, his face so soft in the moonlight through the window.

 

“for the record,” hyunjin says softly, so close to jeongin that his breath ghosts his nose, “you make me feel things, too. i didn’t think i could love anyone romantically, and yet…” their noses brush. “is this okay?” he whispers. jeongin nods, eyes wide, and he closes them tightly because hyunjin is overwhelming in the best way. 

 

when their lips touch, buzzing alights in every one of his cells. hyunjin’s lips are extremely soft, like he applies too much chapstick eighteen thousand times a day. he moves them against jeongin’s gently, and they’re kissing, and jeongin’s hands are shaky as they thread through hyunjin’s hair. they kiss for what feels like an eternity and yet not long enough before hyunjin pulls away, eyebrows knit and eyes worried as he looks over jeongin frantically.

 

“are you okay? did i- what’s wrong?” he asks, frozen with anxiety.

 

_ oh,  _ jeongin realizes.  _ i’m crying.  _ tears trickle down his cheeks in steady rivulets, little sobs leaving his mouth at every exhale. he shakes his head.

 

“you didn’t do anything wrong,” he whispers, another cry threatening to leave his throat. “you didn’t,” he insists when hyunjin doesn’t look so sure.

 

“you make me feel things,” he repeats to the other. “it’s over, and i’m- i’m safe and y-you’re here and it’s gonna be okay-” the cry forces itself out of him. “and i can finally cry, it’s  _ gonna be okay now- _ ” hyunjin hushes him, finally understanding, and presses another kiss to his lips, so lightly that jeongin almost doesn’t feel it.

 

“it is,” hyunjin confirms quietly, resting an arm over jeongin’s waist and carefully pulling him close. he moves so that the side of jeongin’s head can press into his neck, sighing contentedly when the younger turns to press his forehead against his collarbone, sobs quieting into heavy (and adorable) sniffling. “i’m so proud, innie, and it’s gonna be okay now.”

 

_ it is,  _ he thinks, worming an arm under hyunjin to pull him impossibly closer.  _ it really is.  _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is... completely unedited and rushed. there are several things i'd like to address. 
> 
> 1) i'm so sorry about this chapter being late. along with struggling with sleep and depression, yesterday my little sister had an out of the blue grand mal seizure while we were in the middle of driving home. it was quite terrifying, but she's a-okay now, and there really is no identifiable cause, so everything is going to be fine on that part!
> 
> 2) i found this chapter quite hard to write, because fluff is something i love to read but can't seem to wrap my head around (every draft i have has angst for no reason), i hope you enjoy it. hyunin is so cute and they FINALLY KISSED DAMN,,, also i love jinnie's fam and the boys. speaking of draft, how y'all feelin' bout assassin!felix (it's gonna be jilix)? and i have some other things that might (MAYBE) be finished soon, so look out for those!
> 
> 3) this b-word is almost over!
> 
> okay everyone, i hope you're all doing well and thank you sm to those who worried about me, it means a lot! my dm's on my twt (@fmeupbuttercup) are always open if you need anyone to talk to, or want to be friends!!  
> comments and kudos are (always) greatly appreciated! i love you guys so much for sticking to this story despite the MANY grammatical errors and typos!! <33333333!!!!


	21. maybe i've gotten my happy ending.

jeongin wakes up warm. he wakes up warm, unfamiliar, and terrified, only the vivid feeling of lying in a pool of his own blood warming his bones.

 

but the breath on his neck tells him another story, tugging him back like a bungee rope to the present, to the positives.

 

his boyfriend, hwang hyunjin, wraps around him akin to the blanket thrown on the floor from his tossing and turning. 

 

his friends are safe.

 

his mother, no-longer-yang eunji, is out of his life.

 

his father, yang joonho, is still alive.

 

his grandmother, yang hejun, loves him.

 

and finally, yang jeongin.

 

yang jeongin is awake at 9 in the morning, curled up with the love of his life, his pandora’s jar. the boy that contains all of the light he will ever need. the one who pulled him time and time again away from the outside world and himself to safety. yang jeongin is breathing, and his ribs will heal, as will his cuts and bruises. yang jeongin will recover from the terrible trauma he was forced to experience for all those years, no matter how long it takes.

 

why?

 

because that’s what jeongin hopes.

 

in the end, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

 

jeongin thinks about himself from an abstract view. he got through it. he’s alive, and he can feel, and there’s not, in the fine hours of the morning where the earth outside of the window is frigid and the room he’s in is far from it, an ounce of fear in his veins.

 

temporary happiness, he knows, does not ‘cure’ depression. nor does it fix anxiety, or insomnia, or, god forbid, ptsd. but if he holds onto the happiness and erases the word _temporary_ , maybe there’s a chance his dreams will come true.

 

he used to think he was a coward.

 

now he thinks even with that trait, he’s a survivor. 

 

a part of him feels guilty for his mother, for getting her into court, for, _what, exactly?_

 

_i can’t feel guilty for forcing her hand, because i didn’t,_ he realizes. _maybe i just feel sorry… sorry i couldn’t help her_.

 

“innie, wha’ the hell are you thinkin’ abou’?” hyunjin slurs against his collarbone, slightly irritated. “i can hear i’ from here, an’ you keep twitchin’.” jeongin sighs, petting the older boy’s hair, who starts nearly purring. 

 

“is it over, jinnie?” he voices without thinking. “i want it to be over. i think after this, it’ll be over.”

 

hyunjin is immediately more awake, scooting onto his elbows and looking down at jeongin.

 

“what do you mean?” he asks worriedly.

 

“i mean… fear. hope.”

 

“hope?”

 

he hesitates. it’s hard to explain to someone who has never had _just_ hope, and nothing else.

 

hope was the fluttering around his ears embedding fantasies into his brain and twisting them into something so fantastically simplistic they could be _realistic_ . she would weave her webs, filling his head with _“you’ll be safe”_ or _“there is an end, and it’s in your hands.”_  sometimes she was a liar, and sometimes she predicted what came to be in shades of truth.

 

“you know when you say, ‘this is your only hope’? _hope_ was the only thing i had. and it isn’t a constant, you know? to rely on such a fickle thing like that, something so weak and breakable… it’s almost better to be hopeless. i guess what i’m trying to say is, can i stop?” he pauses. “hoping?” 

 

hyunjin is completely silent. he shifts so he’s laying back down, then tugs jeongin so close that there’s no telling where one boy starts and the other one ends.

 

“jeongin,” he says, a small undertone of amusement filtering through. “i don’t know whether that was incredibly depressing or super uplifting.”

 

“you’re a pisces, you should be better with emotions,” jeongin complains, then stops. “then again, pisces are also always confused, so-”

 

“can you stop degrading me with my zodiac sign?” hyunjin whines. “we can’t all be aquatics-”

 

“aquariuses.”

 

“whatever.” jeongin giggles, smacking hyunjin’s shoulder lightly. the older boy pulls back enough to look him in the eye.

 

_thump_.

 

jeongin’s brought back to the beginning of the reawakening of his feelings. the circumstances are drastically different, and instead of panicking, he can’t help but beam.

 

“shit,” he breathes, reaching out and tucking hyunjin’s (long ass) hair behind his ear. a small part of him sneers at how cliché it is. “this is _real_.”

 

“i know,” hyunjin agrees, laughing _that laugh._ jeongin can’t be any more in love. but then hyunjin’s smile slips off his face as his eyes increase their intensity, and he leans so that they’re so close hyunjin’s forehead presses against his own. “can i?”

 

“are you dumb? of course you-” the older boy closes the gap, smiling into the kiss. jeongin closes his own eyes and melts, because hyunjin has really pretty lips, and he’s really good at using them. he shifts over jeongin, tilting his head carefully, and suddenly he’s kissing deeper. against his will, jeongin lets out a small whine. hyunjin actually giggles, pulling away. “you taste like morning breath,” jeongin mumbles, trying to save face.

 

“you didn’t seem to mind,” hyunjin snickers, a teasing glint in his eyes, and jeongin pushes him away. before he can say anything else, hyunjin’s mother calls them from downstairs, declaring that “breakfast is ready, get your a-words down here!” yoohyeon, being the _helpful_ person she is, clarified, “she meant ass!” jeongin snickers at hyunjin’s embarrassed expression. 

 

the older gets up first, and jeongin goes to follow. unfortunately, he forgot about his ribs, as he quickly realizes when he tries to stand. instantly his hand curls around his chest, an involuntary _fuck_ slipping out of his mouth in a groan. 

 

“innie, oh gosh.” hyunjin rushes over like roadrunner from looney tunes ( _meepmeep!_ ). “be careful! you good, baby?”

 

“fuckin’ jolly,” he snaps, but accepts his boyfriend’s support regardless. they make their way down the stair all mussed up and sleepy, slower than both would have liked, but it’s better than _destroying_ jeongin.

 

sitting down at the table is hyunjin’s mother, reading glasses on. she’s looking down at her phone with an indignant expression. hyunjin drags the plate of toast over to the two boy’s seats.

 

“god, ji ah is back to her addiction,” his mother sighs, sliding her phone, open to facebook, across the table to hyunjin. he rolls his eyes at the screen.

 

jeongin peaks over and sees a older woman cradling a half-dead flower.

 

“she spends too much money on plants she ends up killing,” hyunjin explains to him. jeongin nods. they eat talking about it, the adult joining in every once and a while. when they’re finished, hyunjin washes the plate and his mother watches the two at the counter.

 

“you two seem different,” she says. “did you make a blood pact or something?”

 

hyunjin, who has just finished polishing the dish in his hand, sets it down and looks at jeongin, who sends him a reassuring nod.

 

“we’re, um- knock knock.”

 

the woman looks confused. “...who’s there?” jeongin tries not to laugh.

 

“a g-gay couple.” 

 

she looks even more lost. “a- a gay couple who?”

 

“uh, hi,” he finishes, voice shaky and fingers intertwining with jeongin’s. his mother stares at him for a solid minute before it finally dawns on her.

 

“your father owes me 10,000₩,” she says, smiling a little smugly.

 

“ _what??”_ hyunjin sputters, and jeongin can’t help but laugh. “i’m straight!”

 

“evidently not.”

 

“i mean- like, before- your behavior is so- _ugh!”_ he tugs jeongin by his hand out of the room, his mother’s laughter following behind them.

 

_if this is how it’s gonna be from now on,_ jeongin thinks, _my will to live is about to get a lot bigger._

  


in the weeks following the dreaded night, several things happened: the house got deep cleaned, blood out of every crevice. jeongin’s father divorced his mother, who, after a drawn out court case, was sentenced to 10 years in prison. hejun moves in with jeongin and joonho, who starts to build a relationship with his son. jeongin’s friend group hangs out frequently with jaemin and his gang, and hyunjin and jeongin continued to date and strengthen their relationship. 

 

**_four months later_ **

 

“ _hwang hyunjin,”_ the man on the loud speakers calls, and a teacher holds out his diploma for the graduating senior to take. jeongin and the college kids cheer from the stadium’s stands, the whole time praying that none of the boys slip while walking across the stage. thankfully, graduation is a success.

 

after everything, pushing through the crowds in front of the football stadium is difficult but worthwhile- the four seniors are cuddled in a group hug, which both jeongin and the hyungs throw themselves into. boyfriends reunite when they part- jisung flings himself at minho, felix swings changbin’s arms back and forth, and hyunjin falls into jeongin like a (very large) rag doll.

 

“ow, you fucking giraffe,” jeongin complains, halfheartedly trying to shove the other off. “you’re too big, go away-”

 

“i’m dying,”hyunjin says over him, rather dramatically. “i think i see the light, God can witness my boyfriend turning me away in my time of need-”

 

“oh my _god_ -”

 

“no, _my_ God, keep up.”

 

jeongin breaks off into breathless laughter, and hyunjin matches his enthusiasm, finally pulling away from the younger.

 

“i _love- umph-”_ hyunjin gets cut off by jeongin grabbing his face and pulling him roughly down to kiss him. it filters through everything jeongin wants to say, he knows it does- _i love you, i’m proud of you, you did it_. when they part, both of their lips are swollen.

 

“no finding a hotter cooler boyfriend in college,” jeongin says seriously, smiling nonetheless.

 

“as long as you don’t fall for a lower class-man.”

 

“ew, i have _dignity_.”

 

“hey, _i_ fell for a lower class-man!”

 

“you’re a loser,” jeongin reasons. hyunjin starts protesting very loudly.

 

_you’re my loser._

 

hope can be unrealistic. but sometimes, it speaks in shades of truth.

 

_maybe,_ jeongin thinks later, all nine gathered in a diner, _i’ve gotten my happy ending._

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. she is... she's over, folks.  
> vv short, but i find dragging endings out gets a bit redundant, as they usually wrap up all of the loose ends that you've already read about.  
> hyunjin coming out to his mom with a knock knock joke... legend.  
> innie got his happy ending! it's what he deserves!!!!  
> also; i'm debating on making this one universe and add on chris' story separately, and maybe felix's. if that' something y'all are interested in, lmk!
> 
> finally, i would like to thank my readers. you guys have been super understanding and so fucking nice, and i really appreciate and love you for it. thank you for reading this despite the many errors (which i'll go back and fix, hehe) and possible plot holes it may have. for those of you that comment, it's my favorite part of writing the story, to see people enjoy it so much. honestly, i really am thankful for the kudos as well, but in the end it's not about the numbers i rack up (that sounds wack just typing out), it's about you guys enjoying this. thank you guys so so much.
> 
> my name's ry, and my twitter if anyone has anything they want/need to talk about, or you have something you want me to write or anything at all, is @fmeupbuttercup (i put it all the time but hey, never hurts, right? dfghjfskdjn).
> 
> comments and kudos are really appreciated! LOVE Y'ALL <3333


End file.
